Feel Respected

[Itez]

This question is for suffers. How can a supporter make you feel respected? It is of particular importance to men to feel respected, personally I believe it's how they feel love. But I don't always know how to do that when I have a push-pull relationship.

I'm not sure how to set boundaries and to show respect and set boundaries is very difficult when I don't even know from day to day if he'll be speaking to me.

 

[Dite]

I think everyone likes to feel respected.

I feel it is a necessary part of a healthy loving relationship between all people who are choosing to be in such a relationship. Irregardless of gender. (Not trying to be argumentative. You are your own person free to feel how you will.)

That being said, I don't know how would pour on "respect" as you either have it or you don't. At least that's what I think.

I am curious to read the responses you get here. Hopefully someone can give you a proper answer. I'll try to think of something myself as well, in line with your question. If I can.

 

[Itez]

Of course everyone needs to feel respected. I guess I'm referring to a man's need to feel strong and masculine. Most men don't want to appear weak, emotional or vulnerable. Women are more open to being emotional and vulnerable. Not that none of the comments would apply to women, I just feel like it's different for men. What can a supporter do to not make him feel worse about these things?

 

[Cato]

I don't think you can 'make' anyone feel anything. People are going to feel what they feel. Sometimes they will accurately interpret your feelings and behavior and sometimes they won't.

The best way I can think of to let someone feel respected is to respect them. And to tell them you respect them, and act like you respect them. If that doesn't seem to work, it might be that the two of you have different ideas about what respect looks like. In that case, you might actually ask, and then listen to the answer, ask for clarification if you need if, but don't argue about the answer you get. If someone says "this is what respect looks like to me" and you come back with "that's not respect" you're actually not respecting their opinion. Not saying you'd do that, just that sometimes some people do and that's something that can lead to the other party feeling disrespected. (Because they ARE being disrespected.)

 

[Ubih]

To me, treating someone with respect is a lot to do with treating them with dignity. But what you seem to be getting at? Helping your male partner feel like he's fulfilling his role in the traditional sense, I'd probably come at that by expressing gratitude for those times when you feel like he's looking after you.

If this is a big issue for him, it may be that he's developed a maladaptive schema in relation to his need to feel respected. You could read up about schemas which may help. A schema is like a core belief that we develop about ourselves or the world and causes distress and dysfunction. In this case, it may be like he's seeing the world through what is basically a pair of glasses that interpet everything he sees and experiences through this cognitive distortion. To him, he may be interpretting his own value as "I'm only valuable if people respect me/I'm seen as a real man".

Helping him tackle that sort of underlying belief would be demonstrating to him that a) he is a real man, just as he is; and b) he has value, just as he is. You can help reinforce that through reflecting that to him through your own behaviour. Asking him for his opinion, for example, and letting him know that you value what he thinks (that doesn't mean always agreeing, but showing that his opinion counts). And yeah, thanking him for his contribution, and acknowledging things he does that you couldn't do yourself - "thanks for shifting that pile of bricks, I couldn't have done that myself..." It's basic stuff, but the trick would be consistency and regularity.

When he's not talking to you, acknowledge how your life improves when he does start talking to you again. Stuff like that. "You really have become my other half, I do so much better when you're in my life." A lot of it is "I appreciate you" at its core, you know?

That said, tackling those sorts of core beliefs can only go so far. You can help, but ultimately the change, developing self-esteem and self-acceptance without needing to demonstrate manliness needs to come from him.

 

[Ojeli]

You want him to feel respected? Respect his wishes. For example, If he asks for space, give him space. Don't assume he doesn't mean what he says because of his PTSD.

Also, have respect for yourself. Don't let him make you into a doormat or emotional wreck.

If you want him to feel respected, there needs to be be respect. If you're doing that and he still feels disrespected, then that is all his issue.

 

[Ahuw]

Here are some definitions of respect:

• To view or consider with some degree of reverence; to esteem as possessed of real worth.
• That estimation or honor in which men hold the distinguished worth or substantial good qualities of others. It expresses less than reverence and veneration, which regard elders and superiors; whereas respect may regard juniors and inferiors.

Respect regards the qualities of the mind, or the actions which characterize those qualities.​

I haven't thought about this until now, but respect and setting boundaries seem like two sides of the same coin. I don't see that there has to be a conflict between them. Respecting him means testing him like he is of worth and value. Setting boundaries is self-respect - treating yourself like you are of worth and value. They go hand in hand.

It is possible to set boundaries in a way that is respectful of him. This would be a healthy relationship. Same goes for him. He can respects himself while he also respects you.

I might even venture to say that if we do not set healthy boundaries, meaning we don't know how to respect ourselves, then we will not even know what it means to respect our partners. And we won't know, either, when our partners are disrespectful of us.