Relationship Feeling A Bit Sad, Is This How It's Always Going To Be

[A13]

So I'm just wondering is there a side to PTSD sufferers who are selfish, or due to the suffering does he need to just focus completely on himself.

This is just an example of Sunday, maybe I'm giving it too much time in my head. I just feel so sick of being at the bottom of the pile.
Perhaps it wasn't a big deal to my vet as he has completed much bigger challenges during his time in the Army, but it's a big deal to me.

My close friends and I all raised £3000 in 6 weeks for a 10k run for the addiction NI charity. (Two of my family friends passed away on the same night 6 months ago due to drugs, so it's close to our heart)
Some of the team who ran the 10k are employees in a bank, meaning the bank doubled our amount and we have come up with £6000 for the charity, we are over the moon with how much money we have raised.
We all trained for 6 weeks and on Sunday completed the run, all my girlfriends were there, their hubbys and kiddies all there cheering them on at the finish line.. it was a great day..

But my vet just didn't bother showing up, didn't ask me how it went, just took himself out all afternoon with his friend hunting... would a text saying how did it go be such a hassle. He wasn't isolating or it wasn't as tho he knew the guys who passed away well. so I am just wondering how can he accept so much support from me... yet he wouldn't take an hour out of his day to either come and watch like al the other S.O's or just send a text saying well done.

I'm so hurt just because everyone was asking why he wasn't there. And he doesn't even see why I would be annoyed at how He didn't even bother to ask me about it. I'm not a runner or anything it was a big challenge to myself and the girls.

Is there a way I can bring it up? I'm just tired of being the bottom of the priority pile.
Or am I just supposed to leave it, is this just how my life is going to be. Give give give and getting nothing in return in terms of support?

Just seems very unfair and kinda hurtful considering how much effort I put into supporting him

???

 

[Hojay]

I feel for you. It seems to be a common theme in the supporter section: "I know he has PTSD, but..." This question often pops up we get confused about the difference between PTSD and personality. Not everything can be excused by PTSD, but it's easy for us supporters to look at shady, or even downright shitty, behavior and try to fit it into their list of symptoms. (I think we supporters often protect ourselves that way - from making hard decisions, from conflict...) If he didn't have PTSD, would you be okay with this kind of disregard? Probably not, so you shouldn't be okay with it within PTSD either and find a way to navigate.

To your question - yes, I think there definitely is an element to PTSD that can read as selfish. However, I think a better term for it - if you're talking about the range of "normal" - would be self-protective or overwhelmed. In other words, I think there are definitely moments during which a sufferer may think (and hopefully say) "I really, really want to do XYZ, but I can't" but I wouldn't necessarily call it selfish. In my opinion, things can veer into selfish territory when nothing is communicated and patience and understanding is just taken for granted. As much as we have to make allowances for their needs, they need to make allowances for ours. Or else there is no relationship to speak of.

Or am I just supposed to leave it, is this just how my life is going to be.

I don't think you should leave it. I don't know how open your partner is to calm and collected conversations, but it seems important to bring it up and discuss it. The run was a big deal for you, and unless he was triggered and communicated his limits to you, you have every right to feel hurt. Sometimes it's not PTSD, sometimes it's just being an a*hole. Sadly it's often our task to see the difference.

 

[Newtoptsd]

@Adm13 I completely get why you would be upset I would be to. I think it's one thing maybe not turning up because maybe the atmosphere or the crowds etc. would put him on edge but it wouldn't hurt to send a message before and after to wish you good luck and see how you got on!!

I think it's perfectly reasonable to bring this up when talking to your boyfriend, have you spoken to him about it? I think it's fair to ask and if he does say he didn't want to be in a crowd or be somewhere which made him super hyper-vigilant and unsafe then you can say 'I completely understand that, if you can communicate this to me so I don't feel let down on the day then that would be a better solution' then you can express your desire to have had some good luck communication.

Just wondering, did he make plans with you to say he would be there? Or are you just presuming he would turn up? Because sometimes it helps to express your needs and wants before so they know how important it is to you! My SO has terrible memory troubles and often forgets dates and anything of importance, so a gentle reminder for him or some hard clarification as to whether he is going to make it helps.

It's all in the communication.

Hugs to you and WELL DONE on your 10k and raising that much money!!! It's incredible :hug:

 

[A13]

Thank you both for your comments! :))

 

[TheMinsterman]

This is why people keep pointing out the importance of setting boundaries and establishing what both of you want from a relationship. Clearly, you want some support and acknowledgement of your accomplishments and you absolutely need to communicate that, you're not being unreasonable wanting him to acknowledge your achievement, like you said even a text would be enough, I am firmly off the belief that if they can't even text it's a very bad situation indeed, it is a very easy first step to just say congratulations, well done and good luck before, it needn't turn into a conversation if that isn't what they need or want right now.

You have to remember, this is about both of you, if you're not happy and they're not fulfilling your needs you have every right to voice that, just like you would in any relationship, they can't use PTSD as a get out clause (although to be clear that is as others have said usually US that uses that as a excuse to let them off the hook and put our own needs second).

If he isn't willing to satisfy your needs you need to think seriously about your relationship, you shouldn't just stay in it and write everything off as PTSD, even if it WAS PTSD, it isn't a carte blanche get out of jail free card where you have to be miserable forever to keep them satisfied, it's give and take in a relationship.

 

[BlueOrange]

The run was a big deal for you, and unless he was triggered and communicated his limits to you, you have every right to feel hurt.

Even if he did communicate with you, you still have a right to feel hurt. Feelings should be treated with respect. Being ignored hurts. The question about what to do in relation to this hurt is a tricky one sometimes, but if you don't take care of yourself, you won't be able to keep being good for him. (Besides which, you're worth protecting and nurturing too.)

 

[A13]

Even if he did communicate with you, you still have a right to feel hurt. Feelings should be treated...

Thanks for the post!
It makes sense .. I think my self care is the first thing to slip, I need to make a very conscious effort to look after me or before I know it everything is piled on top of me!

Thanks :)

 

[TheMinsterman]

I understand @Adm13, as much as my ex is my ex I still love her, we still talk, I completely get how emotions can take over the rational side of our brains, it's why I come here and talk to people, it stops me falling down the well again.

I understand how you feel, my ex often escalated and went on the defensive when we discussed things, it was like she saw everything as an attack, I guess when you're focusing on surviving even fair criticisms said without malice can feel like attacks and it's easier to just fight back then process perhaps, despite your PTSD, you've messed up and need to make amends, especially at a time where they don't feel able to do that.

For me personally, IF and it is a big IF at this point I reconciled with my ex and we got back together, it'd be on the basis that I can appreciate how difficult it has been etc, but it's not excuse to not work on improving that over time, same applies to your SO, he may struggle to communicate etc, but he HAS to work on that, he can't just shrug it off as "well this is how I am", well, that isn't compatible with you, so he can be like that all he wants, just not if he wants a relationship with you.

 

[Snowflakes]

@Adm13 I understand where you write you know you should say your piece and be done with it. I also understand your reply about boundaries. I was at one time where you are now. What ended up happening is out of total frustration over time, I did both those things.....said my piece and set boundaries.

In retrospect, I probably would have saved myself a lot of internal grief if I hadn't waited so long.

I'm not suggesting what you should do today, we all have different personalities, I'm just saying that you will do as @TheMinsterman suggests eventually. In my case, it was born from frustration. My only hope is that I didn't wait to long.