Feeling A Blockage With Relationships/dating

[heyheyhey]

Hi everyone,

I'm a young 20 something girl, and I struggle from romantic interest from people, which makes me feel stressed, frustrated and apathetic - like the 'pressure' I get from people to be romantically involved. Sometimes i just wish I could be normal, but I can't be normal - I get so frustrated. Why can't I be normal? So often it's like I'm high functioning, so it's like I don't want to admit their is a problem, or people don't get that there is a problem. And then even I start to feel so frustrated with myself, like what is wrong with me - why is there just this black void in the case of romantic relationships? Why don't I want to be in one?

I know why, i know why I don't, but i just feel frustrated and hollow. It's so upsetting that sometimes this thing that everyone seems to get so much joy out of, is just a source of fear, pain, and black apathy for me. I get so frustrated with myself and feel so blocked off. When people ask me on dates, it's like I know I'm not ready. When my ex boyfriend says he's so excited to see me, and wants to start something up again, it's like I wish I could just be normal for him - but I don't feel anything and i don't want that. Then how do I explain? Because I seem so okay, and it's upsetting to say I'm not okay, sorry I can't be with you because I have 'PTSD'. I just feel like no one is going to understand and that I'm just going to be defined by this stupid thing. I know I'm not ready. I don't know how to communicate it and then I get frustrated because I feel like i don't want to let anyone down, because I'm not being normal enough or strong enough. But I can't do it.

Then sometimes, I'm like well what if I never can do it? I guess I just need to give myself time, but I just don't know how to explain it to then men in my life - explaining it through PTSD seems so heavy and I guess a part of me is reluctant to want to admit that what happened to feel is beating me or limiting me in anyway. I know it's 'not my fault' but it's frustrating.

 

[heyheyhey]

Also, sorry for the typos (dyspraxia brain) - I can't seem to edit it!!

 

[Richie]

I know I'm not ready.

could it be that simple? if you have other stuff going on then maybe you just are not ready to throw a relationship into the mix too

 

[heyheyhey]

could it be that simple? if you have other stuff going on then maybe you just are not
ready to throw a r...

Cheers Richie, sweet and simple advice ;)! Thank you :)

 

[JustJen]

I just joined this forum because I have been feeling exactly the same way heyheyhey described your/her feeling about relationships. I was diagnosed with PTSD a few years ago and didn't really know a lot about it (other reason I joined). I thought I was ready for dating but it has been a really stressful experience for me - mostly when the guy actually likes me and expresses a sincere interest in me (nice guys not creeps). I had a date this past weekend and when the guy walked me to my car I started shaking - he thought I was cold and suggested we both get in my car to finish whatever it was we were talking about. I knew I wasn't cold and my shaking was from adrenaline "fight or flight" reaction or whatever so the move into the car was just worse but I agreed as I was trying to act "normal". He totally picked up on my discomfort and left the car quickly but he asked me about it later and I had to say that I wanted to put things on "pause" until I could figure out what is wrong with me (or at least how to fix it). About the explaining part - I tried to explain to him (without getting into the details of the causes of the PTSD) and even that conversation made me feel like I had to throw up. The guy wants to try and make a relationship work with me but all I want to do is run in the other direction and disappear.

 

[heyheyhey]

I just joined this forum because I have been feeling exactly the same way heyheyhey described your/her...

Hi Jen!! Oh my god, yes - I totally relate!! When a guy shows an interest, I'm like a prickly hedgehog, i just want to yell get the f*ck away from me. I feel really aggressive and on guard - and I'm not much of and aggressive person. At the moment, this guy keeps expressing for us to hang out one on one and I don't know what that means and it makes me mad and uncomfortable. I just don't feel safe or ready. I think we just have to give ourselves time but it's so uncomfortable, I know what you mean. I get a lot of interest from guys, it's like people are like "oh boo hoo, poor you", but it really stresses me the f*ck out and I feel like normal people don't get it and i have no idea how to express myself - I'd love to wear a sign on my back crafted out of neon fairy lights - "OVERWHELMINGLY NOT INTERESTED IN DATED YOU". I like putting in an effort into what I wear and doing my makeup but I do that for me, then I feel really uncomfortable when people show an interest, I know they don't mean anything but it's so threatening and really gets me stressed out.

in dating* I wish they would bring the edit button back >.< :)

 

[JustJen]

Hi Jen!! Oh my god, yes - I totally relate!! When a guy shows an interest, I'm like a prickly hedgeho...

That sign would make a great T-Shirt! Haha! The mistake I made was that I actually signed up for internet dating (a bit due to pressure from a friend of mine who just got engaged to a guy she met online). I was lonely because most of my friends are in couples and nobody is free to hang out with me so I thought maybe the solution would be to get a boyfriend. But I wasn't really expecting anyone would be interested - I kind of thought it could stay as a "virtual" thing where I might write a few messages back and fourth to pass the time. Now I find myself in the uncomfortable position of having to tell some nice guys that I wasn't actually looking for a relationship even though I was on a website for people who are serious about looking for a relationship (so stupid of me!).

The thing is, for me anyway, that I have been through and seen some stuff that would shock and upset any normal nice guy and I won't talk about that stuff to them (even though it doesn't bother me too much to talk about it anymore). I have met a few guys who wanted to "rescue" me or thought that they could make all my bad feelings go away just with their love (that really just made me angrier). Like you, I have no idea how to express myself without either telling them my story (which often leaves them speechless or freaked out for sure) or I make up some other thing to get out of the situation (I actually tried to make a guy think I was gang-affiliated so he would lose interest in me and/or be scared to pursue me).

I feel like the right person for me would be someone who has had his share of difficult experiences and maybe has had time to figure out how to deal with them (at least better than I have). He would be cool with my need for lots of space but also be there for me when I need him (not sure how many guys would fit that description). Do you think that you might feel open to the idea of a relationship with a guy who actually does "get it" and doesn't make you feel like a freak for feeling the way you do sometimes?

 

[WRKhalie]

Hi everyone,

I'm a young 20 something girl, and I struggle from romantic interest from people, whic...

And here I'm a 40 something woman who is dating for the first time someone with PTSD. It was in me to make the choice to continue with dating him, to "get it." Though he seems normal I find when he's not and allow him to filter his next action/response. In between all this I'm reading & studying what PTSD is and I'm even preparing myself to ask him if he would like my support. We're 3 months in dating, the NORMAL you will get from this is to find someone on YOUR TIME who is willing to try and "get it." Who's willing to walk through doors with you when you require help; all on your terms. Key advise, speak your feelings, affirm your wishes and stand by your standards. No one should pressure you especially those who love you!!!

 

[heyheyhey]

That sign would make a great T-Shirt! Haha! The mistake I made was that I actually signed up for intern...

Hmm Jen, I'm sorry that these are your experiences with men. I'm quite lucky in that I seem to find myself around men who have some level of maturity or kindness and compassion. And I still don't want a relationship. The thing is is that it's not about them, it's about me - it's too hard and painful and difficult, because so many negative feelings get triggered in me. I could never be with someone who couldn't see past my PTSD and trauma and who had no compassion or understanding, would just seem fruitless and I guess there are a few undeveloped or immature men out there, who don't really have a clue. I think I feel frustrated at people's immaturity or inexperience, not that it's really anyone's fault but I need someone who has experiences of the world and has developed some kind of deep reflections about it.

I think I'm luckier than you because we are all mid 20s-late 20s and no one is really focusing on settling down, apart from a few long term relationships. I try and find my happiness and connection in other ways. I think for me it's hard because I get pursued and that in itself feels really threatening. Or like when men are touchy-feely, like "DON'T TICKLE ME.". Anyway, there's a part of me that feels angry and resentful towards them but I know it's not really their fault and doesn't have anything to do with them, but it's hard to separate my reactions from the present reality.

I don't think that's stupid, how are you supposed to know for sure that you aren't ready unless you go and try :)? That does sound uncomfortable! Do you find it hard to express yourself? I find this so difficult when it comes to my trauma, I get tongue tied. i don't really tell people what happened to me, I just say PTSD and then allude to certain things. I've only really shared properly with my best friend, and I know he is someone who would never ever see me differently and would love me irregardless of what I shared, so I feel comfortable sharing that with him, most people I don't want to share with - people say they want to know, but they can't handle the truth and I don't see how it is irrelevant. Plus, people seem to project what they think something is like onto you and their own interpretations and if that's not how it is then why give them some concrete idea that they can just misinterpret? If that makes sense.

 

[heyheyhey]

And here I'm a 40 something woman who is dating for the first time someone with PTSD. It was in me to...

Thank you :)! I think for me though, sadly, just loving me feels like pressure. And they can't help but want to love me, but sadly it just won't work and that's sad for everyone. But I don't know how to communicate it, especially to my ex-boyfriend/kind of still keeping in touch romantically. I don't know how to say, sorry but love makes me uncomfortable.

I think healthy supporters who love us say, "I'll do anything to help you but don't leave." But sometimes that's what you need. You don't want to break someone's heart and give up someone you care about, but you can't stay in it. Either it implodes or you walk away yourself, yet walking away is so hard, because it's hard to say "It hurts too much, and this is what trauma did to me and I want to be strong and move past it but I haven't be able to yet".

 

[JustJen]

So like heyheyhey I am struggling with some unwanted attention/affection from guys (more than one which is crazy - this never happens to me). I have tried to tell each of them that right now I am going through some stuff and am not able to offer anything beyond friendship right now. (seemed like an honest reasonable thing to say). The issue is that men don't seem to take that as a clear NO that a relationship is not going to happen. Sadly I am not sure that all men get it unless there is actually another man in the picture. It seems like they are thinking "I like her, she has no other boyfriend so the door is open" - the fact that I am not interested or not ready doesn't seem to register. A guy who I considered to be a friend drunk texted me the other night that he liked me. I told him then pretty much what I wrote here - going through some personal stuff not ready for a relationship...he said he understood. Then we went out for dinner and he moved from across from me in the restaurant booth to beside me and took my hand and said he just wanted to hold my hand. He could tell that I was not comfortable but he did it anyway. I felt so nauseous I nearly puked right then - and actually did puke as soon as I got home. This guy knows that I am on some heavy medication right now and not thinking 100% clearly and it seemed like he was taking advantage of the situation (my lack of clear judgement) or something. But maybe I am also just being paranoid? (I have no idea who I can trust and who sees me as a potential victim).

 

[heyheyhey]

So like heyheyhey I am struggling with some unwanted attention/affection from guys (more than one which...

Sorry, that sounds really uncomfortable. I think it's a big warning sign when someone does something when they can SEE you are uncomfortable. A guy who is concerned with others feelings and not just their own wants is not going to do that.

I feel you lol, someone asked me out last night and they were like "let me know if you change your mind." I won't lol... it's like we know what we want, we aren't just going to do a 180...