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Deleted member 27181
I'll start buy saying my family (consisting of mainly my brother, my mum and my grandma) know nothing of what happened to me nor do they know what my therapist thinks about me having PTSD and such. They don't know the real reasons why I dropped out of college or why I attempted to take my own life etc. They know nothing at all. Which is how I want it to stay. My family are very old fashioned, even my 20-something brother (who calls me a freak anyway), meaning they wouldn't take it very well. My mum has never talked to me and disscussed emotions or asked me genuinely how I am, she doesn't do well with emotions and mushy-mushy stuff. So, I'm fine with what happening staying between me, my boyfriend and therapist.
Saying all of that, I understand why the atmosphere is tense right now (kind of).
First of all, my brother has ALWAYS been a massive douche to me. When I was younger, around 7 or 8, he say he'd pay me to tidy his room and I accept, I did his room and asked for payment and never got it.. what did I expect. But I kept tidying my room because I genuinely looked up to him as an older brother and I still do. I have great admiration for him - he's a fireman, a doorman and has a baby daughter whom he still sees even though him and the mother have split up. (And considering my history with my dad, it's nice to see a dad who still wants to be in contact with his daughter). So, no, I don't hate my brother. I never will. But I do resent him, despise him, wish he'd move out already.. that kind of thing.
He is the golden child. My grandma has said it to my face, my mum has said it in indirect ways and everyone knows it.
I get this, I don't care. I just stay in my room, play games and try to keep contact with my family to a minimum, but it's still incredibly tense. I feel disliked among my family, I'm not invited anywhere. My mum doesn't offer to make me basic meals like breakfast, lunch or dinner (even though she'll make my brother and herself things to eat). I'm shouted at for not clearing up the kitchen and doing the dishes even though I didn't create any of the dirty dishes (from not eating that day or being out) and my brother hasn't done the dishes ONCE. I'm not even kidding, my mum wont ask him and when I have asked her why, she just says he doesn't do this dishes well...
That's not really the point of getting your child to do a chore.
Aside from that, if my brother calls me a freak or tells me to just go back in my room when I'm trying to help my mum do something, and I stick up for myself and say no, I get shouted at. I get told to clam up and just go into my room for an hour or whatever. It's cruel, I get singled out and when I try to stick up for myself, everything turns back onto me and I get blamed.
Like I said, I don't expect them to be all close and talkative to me or even nice to me, but the atmosphere feels so cold and distant and I'm barely spoken to, it doesn't even feel civil..
I would be able to deal with this usually but it's been getting worse and I am beginning to feel more and more alone. I have my boyfriend, but that's it, and he's been having to stay at home most days to take care of his brother, which is fine.. But like I said, I do just feel extremely alone.
It's getting to the point where I am feeling depressed and going into a depressive couple of weeks isn't what I want to be doing since I have so much coming up (college interview, trip to Germany with my boyfriend, new therapist next week - all of which is stressing me out). I am finding solace in reading again, starting a new book is always horrible and a bore to me (my focus is so bad when I have multiple things to think about) but when I get into a book, I can lose myself for hours which is good in this situation.
Sorry this has been so long, I kind of just needed to write it out and sort my mind out a little. I've been really lost and alone lately, as well as confused, so writing it out is helpful.
And aside from that, does anyone have any advice or ways to deal with this aloneness and distant feeling from my family? I feel like I don't have a family anymore, I simply feel like a house guest. Any ways to combat these feelings? And if no one knows, some sweet words of 'It'll all be alright' would make me feel so much better. I kind of need a hug and an 'it'll be okay' speech right now.
Saying all of that, I understand why the atmosphere is tense right now (kind of).
First of all, my brother has ALWAYS been a massive douche to me. When I was younger, around 7 or 8, he say he'd pay me to tidy his room and I accept, I did his room and asked for payment and never got it.. what did I expect. But I kept tidying my room because I genuinely looked up to him as an older brother and I still do. I have great admiration for him - he's a fireman, a doorman and has a baby daughter whom he still sees even though him and the mother have split up. (And considering my history with my dad, it's nice to see a dad who still wants to be in contact with his daughter). So, no, I don't hate my brother. I never will. But I do resent him, despise him, wish he'd move out already.. that kind of thing.
He is the golden child. My grandma has said it to my face, my mum has said it in indirect ways and everyone knows it.
I get this, I don't care. I just stay in my room, play games and try to keep contact with my family to a minimum, but it's still incredibly tense. I feel disliked among my family, I'm not invited anywhere. My mum doesn't offer to make me basic meals like breakfast, lunch or dinner (even though she'll make my brother and herself things to eat). I'm shouted at for not clearing up the kitchen and doing the dishes even though I didn't create any of the dirty dishes (from not eating that day or being out) and my brother hasn't done the dishes ONCE. I'm not even kidding, my mum wont ask him and when I have asked her why, she just says he doesn't do this dishes well...
That's not really the point of getting your child to do a chore.
Aside from that, if my brother calls me a freak or tells me to just go back in my room when I'm trying to help my mum do something, and I stick up for myself and say no, I get shouted at. I get told to clam up and just go into my room for an hour or whatever. It's cruel, I get singled out and when I try to stick up for myself, everything turns back onto me and I get blamed.
Like I said, I don't expect them to be all close and talkative to me or even nice to me, but the atmosphere feels so cold and distant and I'm barely spoken to, it doesn't even feel civil..
I would be able to deal with this usually but it's been getting worse and I am beginning to feel more and more alone. I have my boyfriend, but that's it, and he's been having to stay at home most days to take care of his brother, which is fine.. But like I said, I do just feel extremely alone.
It's getting to the point where I am feeling depressed and going into a depressive couple of weeks isn't what I want to be doing since I have so much coming up (college interview, trip to Germany with my boyfriend, new therapist next week - all of which is stressing me out). I am finding solace in reading again, starting a new book is always horrible and a bore to me (my focus is so bad when I have multiple things to think about) but when I get into a book, I can lose myself for hours which is good in this situation.
Sorry this has been so long, I kind of just needed to write it out and sort my mind out a little. I've been really lost and alone lately, as well as confused, so writing it out is helpful.
And aside from that, does anyone have any advice or ways to deal with this aloneness and distant feeling from my family? I feel like I don't have a family anymore, I simply feel like a house guest. Any ways to combat these feelings? And if no one knows, some sweet words of 'It'll all be alright' would make me feel so much better. I kind of need a hug and an 'it'll be okay' speech right now.
