Dom Violence Feeling Alone

[scout86]

There are lots of ways you can rationalize this into not being a problem. It's tempting. And, it's tempting to believe that it's actually YOUR fault, because that's what you keep hearing. Every person here who's replying to you is speaking from experience. My ex was too lazy to be physically dangerous, but the relationship wasn't helpful, believe me. When I left, I left behind pretty much everything I ever thought I wanted and started over pretty much for 0 at nearly 50 years old. You know what the trip down that driveway the last time felt like? FREEDOM! I had my life back. The deal I made to get out was so one sided that my lawyer wanted me to sign papers saying I wouldn't come back and go after him for malpractice. The only thing I regret is that I didn't get out sooner.

 

[desiderata310]

I'm trying to calm down so that my story can be coherent. My ex choked me unconscious and raped me the last night we were together. It wasn't the first time either. Your boyfriend sounds so much like my exhusband it's terrifying. I could have written almost everything you wrote.
Three years later, after giving up EVERYTHING: my house, my career, everything! I moved across the country and started over.
I finally got into therapy and got a restraining order and a divorce.

Ok.. I can't write much more right now... it feels like my chest is going to explode.

 

[nursenurse]

Read what you have written, over and over. Then get out. I can't say anything any better than the previous posters. This is not love. It is control. And it is sadness and loneliness that will never get better. He is not the love of your life. He is the life sucker and the one who will destroy you if you let it. All is there for you to see in the words you have written. If a good friend placed this in front of you about them, what would you say? Find a therapist and help yourself. You cannot help him. My heart goes out to you.

 

[Queen Boudica]

Read what you have written @Ambs over and over and take that control and abuse wheel I posted you and you will be able to tick every single section. This man is dangerous. No-one here is going to tell you to stay in the relationship you are describing. This is a dangerous man who is emotionally manipulating you and trying to brainwash you. He is a controller and abuser.

 

[Queen Boudica]

Exactly there is no way you can help this man. Stop thinking that way. I used to think that. It is not possible. He is dangerous.

 

[Amalia]

This is where emotional abuse can be just as if not more powerful than physical abuse.There is little understanding from `healthy` individuals as there are no conventional marks or scars to be seen by the outside world - it is literally just tsrating to be recognised as a form of abuse just as damaging and toxic as physical or sexual. Couple that with the extraordinary mental cruelty and manipulation levels you are suffering and your reality does indeed become so completely distorted you don`t know if it`s you at fault or not, and possibly fear others will tell you you are because of the effects of living with this man.

Therapy will not do it alone. You have GOT TO get out and NOW. Your life is indeed in danger - if not physically, which is sounds as though it is as he is evidently very dangerous, then the mental spiral downwards into suicidal depression because of the torture you are suffering mentally will commence - it seems to have done already from what you`re saying. I`m not trying to scare you but you do need to leave immediately and be somewhere safe, for your mental health alone let alone your physical. Please read the horrific stories above and note the courage it has taken to tell some of them because of the strength of feeling on your behalf.

It is all him, and not you at all. If I wrote to you as a friend that my boyfriend was trying to control me right down to how i turned my head, I do hope you would immediately offer a loan that I wasn`t allowed to refuse and get me on a plane to see you for a couple of weeks.
Please heed all this advice.
Sincerely, all the best.

 

[Friday]

Welcome to an abusive relationship.

Don't worry... You probably won't leave it. Or, rather, you will. Statistically at 7 times before you leave for good or he kills you. And this part now... Where you're still questioning it? Is the best it will ever be. As torn, weak, and conflicted as you are now? Is the strongest you will ever be. It's the honeymoon. Where you are a frog being boiled slowly, conditioned to believe and accept the much worse to come. Just as you were conditioned to accept this. A year ago, if you had a month like this? There wouldn't be all this turmoil. You'd be gone already. But this has become normal.

Better news... Your next relationship will probably also be abusive. Possibly all of your future relationships. So you'll never have to worry about losing what you have.

What you have is love. And the good times. Because he's not like this all the time. Over and over again he reminds you why you love him. And that will become the single most important thing in your life: that you love him.

Truth : Love isn't enough.

Almost no abused spouse stops loving their abuser. You don't leave because you stop loving them. You leave in spite of loving them.

If you've ever asked yourself "Why does she stay with him???" At some news story, or cop show, or neighbor, family member... You know why now.

Wanna not be a statistic? Leave. Don't come back.
Wanna not have this be the first in a string of abusive relationships? Get into some hardcore DV counseling.

But you probably won't. You'll probably stay.

Don't be me.

 

[Queen Boudica]

It's almost like he wants his partner to be just as disconnected and miserable as he is.

Yes that is exactly what he wants. He is isolating you. He wants to dominate and control. This man wants you as his puppet.

2 good books: Controlling people by Patricia Evans and Emotional blackmail by Susan Forward.

 

[Queen Boudica]

I'm beginning to really think this is not about me at all. B

It isn't about you, the man is a violent abusive alcoholic. Whatever bullshit comes out of his foul mouth is about putting you down and snaring you in a violent controlling relationship where you will lose all your identity, family, friends and spiral into depression, that is if he doesn't kill you first. And if you have kids he will wreck their lives too.

IT REALLY ISN'T ABOUT YOU. Say it over and over and go to a DV counsellor and get help to get out of there safely. This guy is screaming danger to me.

 

[Queen Boudica]

And if he offers to go to therapy with you just .. no.. it's a lie. He will manipulate it into being your problem and not his.

Seriously, he will probably make you look and feel like a crazy person when you leave but you gott

Yep mine did that with me. Sociopaths just manipulate inexperienced counsellors

 

[Tanishq]

Hi Ambs,

All I am guilty of is loving a man who can't handle love.

Please don't feel guilty. I will say this in short: He is not your man. Leave him for your own good.:tup:

This man is ridiculous. You sound right on everything you said, in fact I am convinced his head has something wrong in it.

You are fine, I don't think you have any issues.

 

[RussH]

As I have said before, you have two choices
Leave and live, or stay and die.