Feeling And Identifying Emotion

[Wyska]

So it's really stressing me out that I'm even writing about this and I don't know why. It seems feeling emotion (and admitting I have one or even admitting that I don't) gives me a lot of anxiety and when one starts to come up I immediately push it away and forget about it instantly, and I'm not sure what to do about this as I can't seem to help it...it just happens so quickly sometimes I don't even notice. Honestly not being able to feel anything, or not being able to tell what it is I feel makes me feel some type of way (ha, idk what though) and I don't like it...does anyone else have this problem?

 

[Rumors]

I could have written what you said verbatim! I don't have an answer other than try being aware of what you are feeling when it comes up. Realize that your anxiety is an emotion that is trying to have a voice. Let it talk to you without judgment. That is where I have struggled. I judge that I don't deserve to have an emotion about something. I minimize the experience and move on. When it still eats at me and I can't push it away, I desperately try and make sense of it rather than just sitting with it and letting it be.

 

[Wyska]

I could have written what you said verbatim! I don't have an answer other than try being aware of what y...

It's just so difficult, what's interesting though is sometimes (maybe once or twice my entire life, but recently) I am able to really hear in my head what the emotion is and it sounds crystal clear, but it's almost like I think OVER my thoughts and I kind of already forgotten how to listen to myself again. Or maybe I haven't and I convinced myself of it....I'm really not sure. It makes me uneasy thinking about it.

 

[Rumors]

I'm pretty sure that the only two things I have ever felt are anger and anxiety. I literally couldn't connect with sadness, fear, happiness. It has been so scary understanding these things and beginning to learn about them as it pertains to my life.
If an uncomfortable situation came about, or a feeling came up, it just automatically went to the anxiety bucket and I pushed it away. Little did I know that the anxiety had less to do with the situation and more to do with the feelings that came up. The longer I have learned to sit with the original feeling and not push it away or try and reallocate it to a "more familiar" bucket the better I am getting at naming my emotions. Don't get me wrong, I have been sad over obvious things like death or sickness but when it came to being sad about something that happened to me...no way. I have spent my entire life minimizing the experience and feeling shame for the need to resolve it. No more... It's ok to feel sad that I got robbed of a "normal" childhood. I am sad that I didn't get to know what comfort and security felt like. That doesn't mean I have to wallow in it or let it make me non functioning BUT it does mean that at appropriate times I can just sit with the sadness and feel the grief that I have for not being able to have a more secure emotional upbringing.
I hope that helps...it's just one example of many you could be feeling but I wanted to relate something as a specific example. I can only offer my deepest empathy on your journey and tell you to keep moving forward. I am by no means there but I can tell I am making headway.

 

[Hopefully]

So it's really stressing me out that I'm even writing about this and I don't know why. It seems feeling emotion (and admitting I have one or even admitting that I don't) gives me a lot of Anxiety

I can really relate to this. I remember in my first ever therapy session I was asked if I knew what an emotion was. I completely dismissed the comment, of course I did, now though I realise this is the place I needed to start and the honest answer to that question was, no, not really.

If an uncomfortable situation came about, or a feeling came up, it just automatically went to the anxiety bucket and I pushed it away. Little did I know that the anxiety had less to do with the situation and more to do with the feelings that came up.

@Rumors I have never really thought of it in this way but that is completely what it is. I feel anxious in so many situations but you are right the true emotion and feeling that is what kicks the anxiety in. It just happens so quickly I miss the connection. The anxiety is often from the emotion rather than the situation.

@Wyska I am just trying to slow it all down and as Rumors says just sit with those feelings. I'm starting small but hoping to build from there to know that there is no harm in feeling these things and that it is actually healing.

 

[Rumors]

Be aware that the first time you sit with something uncomfortable your mind is going to say "no...no...we need to push this away...danger...danger..." I can assure you that it isn't what it ends up being. So, your sad.... Be sad. What's the harm in being sad over something that is terrible? It's not like the world is going to stop spinning on its axis bc you are sad over something. Don't judge your feelings. Let them be what they are. That has been the hardest thing for me to do bc it overflows into the feelings of shame I have.
I don't share many things in real life with people. My therapist is basically it. It's been hard for me to share these things in there. I have a fear of showing emotion in front of people. My dad always told me I was being ridiculous. I usually stuff it and probably will to a degree forever. BUT, if I can get comfortable letting myself feel things and be authentic then perhaps that is enough. Dare I say I will ever be an expert, but maybe more comfortable in my own skin. I hate that I lie to myself that it doesn't matter...it matters. It is a missing piece to the puzzle and I want to finish the puzzle!
Good luck!

 

[Wyska]

Be aware that the first time you sit with something uncomfortable your mind is going to say "no...no...w...

I have a hard time even showing them to my therapist...I'm worried that if I don't I won't get the help I need but at the same time I don't want him to know. It's very...uh, I'm not sure what it is. Confusing? Idk. have you developed a better sense of self because you let yourself feel?

 

[Rumors]

@Wyska
Oh no doubt. I definitely feel more connected with myself and better able to be centered....not all the time and maybe not on certain subjects, but most definitely better.
I don't cry in therapy...it's probably not something I will ever do...maybe...but, I do say things like "this is really hard for me" and "I am really struggling with this" and she knows that means it is important and needs work in a gentle way.
It is confusing...especially in the beginning. Give yourself some time and space to just let those feelings come on and don't try and judge them or figure them out. In time they start to make more sense. Just give it time...

 

[Hopefully]

@Wyska I would echo everything @Rumors has said.

For me there is still a long way to go, but yes there is definitely an improvement in feeling more connected. Each time I try and connect with the memories I tend to be able to stay with those feelings for a second longer before the need to break away from them kicks in. Slowly, really slowly you allow yourself to see that these memories can not harm you and that emotions pass. Like I say, I am not completely there by any means, but I can see the process and that it will get better further still.

I can be very mute and emotionless in therapy sessions, it is frustrating, I want to make the most of my time with her, show her that I am trying but it is hard to let her really see me being vulnerable. I don't cry either, far from it in fact, but over time I have let her see some of the things I am feeling. At the beginning she would say "you seem upset" or "are you OK?" and I would always say "I'm fine", as we progressed I got to the point when she would see I was finding it difficult and I would be able to say "this is really hard for me". I guess time building the trust in the relationship, work on slowing down my thoughts, a combination of all the work we were doing resulted in little changes.

I guess it's all about time and being kind and patient with yourself. It will get better.