Feeling ganged up on in couples counseling

[caligirl03]

Hi everyone. My combat PTSD sufferer and I started going to couples counseling through the VA--first of all, HUGE victory in that department since he refused to go for the longest time. It took a bit of an ultimatum after the last blowup fight, but we're there now and have been sticking with it. I've also already seen some positive changes!

So today when asked what we've done right and could've done better since our last session, I confessed to the therapist that I think I've been holding onto some resentment due to all the verbal and emotional abuse I feel I've withstood, and that I had kind of lashed out a bit these past couple weeks as a result. I said I wasn't proud of it, and that I was pleasantly surprised with how patient my sufferer had been with me. She then told me I was verbally abusing him! I was a little shocked by that comment, first of all because I never got into the specifics of how I was short with him, and secondly because I was thinking oh lady if only you knew the HALF of what I've been through with this man...Then as we were wrapping up, she pointed at me and said to stop with the verbal abuse!

Don't get me wrong, I'm no saint, but to be told twice that I'M the one verbally abusing HIM made me feel kind of wronged and like the deck is stacked against me.

Any reason she could've singled me out over him?

 

[caligirl03]

PS- Just to add, she's fully aware of his diagnosis as well as the whole reason for being in counseling due to explosive anger and the fallout from that.

 

[Ronin]

Does she grasp the basics like...

In situations of abuse, it is not just faulty communications (where people try to sort things out, and typically are not ill meaning), and it is not both (all) parties fault?

Just like bullying does not mean the bullied one is half of a bully.

For she might be trained for couples counseling. Where things well are broken on both sides, for some reason. But that same logic does not apply to abuse.

 

[caligirl03]

I assume so? My only guess is maybe she didn't want HIM to feel bad or singled out? Or maybe the fact that I stick up for myself means I'm not really a victim, so no sympathy there? Not really sure...

 

[somerandomguy]

Ugh.

I recommend a new couple's counselor. I've been in your shoes a couple of times, and if the counselor is biased - and it DOES happen, and fairly frequently, I believe - that is not a counselor that will be able to help you.

Your partner, unfortunately, will probably feel differently.

the whole reason for being in counseling due to explosive anger and the fallout from that.

So ... In cases of domestic abuse, couples therapy is absolutely contraindicated because it can make things much, much worse.

I'm not saying you're in an abusive relationship. But if this is the actual reason you're in couple's counseling, he's going to have to work on this anger problem first. It's not your issue, and it's not a relationship issue. It's HIS issue. And he needs to fix it.

 

[EveHarrington]

So essentially she scolded you?

(I’m sensitive to this kind of behavior....felt I was scolded today and my system is now jacked. :-/)

At the very least I think her technique could use some work as she didn’t understand the ins/outs of your behavior, and using the term “abuse” can be polarizing if not used carefully.

 

[Friday]

She can’t tell him temper tantrums are NOT okay, and turn around and say “except for you”, right?

As a baseline? He doesn’t get to break things, you don’t get to yell.

Are there exceptions to this? Of course. There can be times where you’re perfectly fine with him breaking shit, and times where he’s perfectly fine with you yelling. Usually these sorts of deals are set up in advance. Like each person has a place they “go” to unclip the leash from their temper and just let it all hang out, where it’s not going to be disruptive. The other person doesn’t then follow you in there and lose their shit on you for losing your shit. Ditto, a bunch of other “duh” qualifiers.

There’s a bit of a grey area in IF it becomes “okay” for him to start breaking shit if you’re yelling, and if it’s okay for you to yell when he starts breaking shit. >>> Self defense? Always okay. Tit for tat? Not so much.

 

[Mytime]

You said you hold some resentment and feel you have been lashing out the last couple of weeks. Did you tell her how you’ve been lashing out?

Couples therapy isn’t about who did what. It’s about learning how to communicate. Learning to hear and try to understand the other persons Perception. It’s learning to agree to disagree and how to move forward. But most of all, it about taking responsibility and ownership of your own behaviour and emotions.
Because you only have control over your own reactions or responses. I can understand where your coming from, been there. But I think it’s important for you to look at the big picture. Ask yourself,” was she really just picking on me or was she calling me out on my behaviour. Don’t get me wrong, I understand the resentment. But is lashing out the best way to handle it or sitting down with your SO and saying, this is what I’m feeling and why you feel the way you do. If you feel your not in that place yet, where you can both sit down and talk about it without it getting heated. Then you talk about it in your sessions together. Your in therapy to better your relationship. To better your relationship you have to take ownership of your own behaviours.
You would like him to change how he lashes out his anger on you, by being abusive.
He would probably like you to not lash out your resentment.
The only way it can change, is by you both acknowledging it and taking the steps to change it.
Nobody’s perfect and we all make mistakes. Resentment can be a big relationship killer. If you can’t work through it, you can’t forgive and move forward. Maybe taking some time to figure out what you need to move past it. Do you need validation, acknowledgment from him?

Please don’t take this as me, not understanding your feelings or saying it’s wrong to have them. They are your feeling, I understand them and validate them.

The words I live by are, “ you can’t change what you don’t acknowledge.
I’ve made mistakes in my past, but I did the best I could, with what I had at the time.

Sending hugs if you accept :hug:

 

[grit]

First I am really sorry you have been invalidated by this therapist. And honestly from the vantage point of my couch here, I really want to emphasize you are invalidated by this therapist. She could have used softer words to illuminate what she sees.

Now I will comment on your post here.

What you do when you feel slighted and how you react is good to acknowledge. If let us say you are with a man who is suffering as you noted and if he slighted you and you feel aggressive to protect you, then no matter couple therapy or not, your temper and his condition are not a good mix.

One of you need a bit thicker skin than the other and this can change in relationship and it is good to allow that. By reading your comments (and not knowing you any other way), it is hard to say the relationship issue is all because of this man's condition. I would risk and say the relationship problem is a troubled man met a woman who cannot handle it (meaning her temperament or threshold is too high). I am not suggesting you have to take his abuse but responding abuse with aggression is not an answer either.

Now, my question is why do you believe this therapist is right that you are verbally abusing if you do not truly believe you are? think about that for a second.

If she said you are coward and you are not, you would not believe her, right? or you would think strange...but this seems to poke under your boundary which means to some extent, she is touching a sore wound.

What will happen, if she is right and you are verbally abusive? What does this mean? Can you become more conscious about how you may be contributing to the situation? Maybe you focused so much he is the problem that you forget your own issues and self care and your safety and you are fed up now!

I have PTSD and my husband does not. I could go off the handle quite easy when we started dating but when I was calm we talked about it and I acknowledged how bad that was and we tried to repair our relationship as time went by and I was not so symptomatic. I do remember though from the beginning he used to use this way of ignoring - like OK she is in her loop, time to play dead! and that would even drive me crazier!!!! being ignored was worse. So we talked about when we were calm and I was not dissociating or avoiding dissociation and was truly mindful which even a sufferers gets sometimes.

I am telling you this because even a sufferer has a healthy moments. How do you know those healthy moments? are you with him at the same time? or are you defending your last resentment? It is hard to have connection in a healthy relationship let alone one with fraught with PTSD.

If you want to stand on your stance of he is a sufferer and he is the cancer in the relationship, I can almost bet 100%, your relationship will fail or stay extremely unhappy. You must change your stand he is the problem in the relationship.

How you two connect, communicate, relate, be with is the problem. So if this therapist is challenging you, say OK what do I need to do or learn in order to change that? It never hurt to change for the better so why not try something different for the sake of this relationship? why make it about you and your pride?

Maybe you have been so angry for so long and so resentful, you forgot your old self and became more like him. This can happen in relationship. It is time you take a step back and say hmmm have I turned to him? and find yourself again.

do not resist, let go of pride and be gentle on yourself. Even non-sufferers can be angry at times or many times.

We are all human after all.

Take care