Feeling Guilty For Giving Up On A Friend

[Deleted member 1860]

I have a friend, let's call her "A". We used to be a lot closer when I was in college, however as the years went on, we've grown farther and farther apart.

Within the last year I had re-connected with her since she found me online. Everything was going well until I told her that I had PTSD. At first she didn't understand what it was. "A" thought that it was something similar to general anxiety disorder. I tried to explain it to her, and gave her some internet links so that she could read up on it herself. After I did this, I got no response from her for weeks. When I did finally hear from her again, there was no mention of my last email and what I had shared with her. Rather, she just started talking about herself, what was going on in her life, and asked me when we were going to get together to catch up. I was so shocked that she wouldn't even recognize the fact that I am suffering. From then, I haven't had any contact with her. She has emailed me several times to ask me what is wrong, but I am not feeling confrontational right now so I just ignore her emails. Not very nice, I know, but after she made my problems seem like nothing, I don't really care.

My position is that if someone can't say something...ANYTHING when I disclose that I have PTSD, then they must not really care. And to get this attitude from a so-called "friend" is just too much for me to take. And the thing is, I didn't throw it in her face or make it into a dramatic "woe is me" sort of thing. I was just looking for some sort of recognition from her that she understood some of what I was going through.

I've talked to some of my other friends (none of whom have PTSD), and they just tell me that not everyone can handle news like that. That not everybody knows how to be supportive when someone tells them something so significant.

I'm at the point where I just don't see the value in the friendship anymore. I guess I feel somewhat guilty though for giving up on her though. I think what it boils down to is that if someone can't be supportive of me for something like this, how can I have any trust in the relationship?

My gut tells me to move on, but I feel guilty for giving up on a friendship when so many people have given up on me.

Has anyone else had to give up on relationships because people couldn't be supportive? Or does anyone have any words of advice?

 

[cragger65]

I had to ditch a friend, and the final straw was when I was first released from the hospital after my initial nervous collapse, and was explaining to him that I had been diagnosed as dissociative. His response, keeping in mind he is a social worker himself, was to sneeeer, "You're mother didn't love you". I realize that he was in a bad place too (he had a heart attack at around the same time as my accident) but he expected my sympathies for him while doling out this shit to me.

I miss the laughs we once had, we could make each other roar. But roads diverge. Someone who was a perfectly suitable friend at one point in life, doesn't fit with your needs at a different stage. I understand how vulnerable PTSD makes us, and find it's best to interact with those who can either relate, or empathize, or both. For myself, I am too sensitive to things like you describe with your friend, it's too much work to keep up face.

Having said all that, who knows, maybe 6 months you'll be in a different place and want to try to pick the friendship up again as it may fit better with you later on. I try not to rule things out completely and forever.

 

[Deleted member 541]

I totally understand what you are going through. I had a very close friend for 30 yrs. We went through everything together. I loved her more than I loved my own sisters. We were so close.....

She had been going through a really rough time with her husband and 3 kids, things were pretty bad for her, yet I listened, gave advice, and understood her frustration... I called her one day, to tell her how depressed I was about a situation she knew I was going through. She basically had no time for the conversation and in 5 minutes said that she had to go, but would call me back. I waited 3 days for that phone call, and then sent her a letter and ended the friendship.....

Yes, I do miss her, but I don't miss the bullshit in her life that was ongoing, and her lack to do anything about it. She too probably has PTSD from the childhood of hell that she went through, but REFUSES to seek help.

It's been a yr and a half, I still think of her, and I wish her well......But the pain is gone....

When you are ready, you will be better equipped to tell her exactly how you feel......You need to take care of yourself, and if a friendship isn't a two way street, then it isn't worth it.....

 

[midi]

My gut tells me to move on, but I feel guilty for giving up on a friendship when so many people have given up on me.

Well, the friendship had already drifted apart, before you reconnected online. Listen to your gut instinct.

Guilt is toxic - we use it to continue punishing ourselves. In the end, trying to please the external won't bring happiness or peace, in fact, it might only breed resentment.

Good luck!

 

[Katja]

I can totally relate to your story. Maybe she is going through something and recognizing stuff in herself but that does not matter because it is important that you have friends who are supportive especially when you share something so personal.
Last week I told I friend I had PTSD over tea and I have known her for a few years. She said it was all my ego and that I had to learn to separate my mind! I did not know what to say to this at all. I felt very misunderstood and weak because it was my fault that I was having flashbacks!
Hang in there. You have other friends that get you and are supportive and maybe you will meet again later when she has come around....if u still want to be her friend then will say.

All the best.

 

[2quilt]

I did the same thing, unloaded 4 friends in 2007. 4 close friends. I understand completely. Part of me said to myself, "She would have reacted differently, more comforting and non-judgemental, if she had accurate knowledge of PTSD" but then the other half of me said, "She is old enough and has lived long enough to understand the epidemic of females with traumas, and so she is responsible for her actions and what she did was nasty. No real friend would do that."

Unload the trash and walk away, honey. You deserve better friends, true friends. You are worth it!

 

[cherryblossom]

I have to agree. Leave bad friends behind (or just have them as casual aquaintainces). You deserve the best. As with any relationship, you are better off on your own than in a bad relationship.

 

[Deleted member 1860]

cragger65-
I think you're right. It would be a lot of work for me to "keep up face" because I know I would feel like I would have to constantly be putting up a front and pretending that everything was OK. I don't have the energy in my life to be "fake" in any sort of relationship. I need to use that energy on myself for once!

She Cat-
I'm glad you mentioned that friendship is a two way street. I don't feel that she can support me at all, so I shouldn't feel bad that I don't want a friendship with her at this point. It should be give and take...not "just take what I want and ignore the rest."

midi-
I agree, guilt is toxic! I can't be someone's friend just to make them happy...I need to be happy in the relationship, too! I need to stand up for myself for once.

Katja-
You are right...I know when I told her about my PTSD she was dealing with anxiety of her own over the holidays. The thing is, I was supportive of her and wished her well...I just don't know why she couldn't do the same to me. Did she think I was trying to "one up" her by saying my anxiety was worse than hers?!? That wasn't even how I presented it to her. I just told her about having PTSD...it wasn't supposed to be a "my anxiety is worse than your anxiety" kinda thing at all! I just don't know...

2quilt-
You're right...I shouldn't have to give a complete narrative of my situation to somebody in order for them to be supportive! How hard is it just to get a little bit of support from someone, even if they don't have any idea of what I'm going through?

cherryblossom-
We DO deserve the best! Its hard though to convince myself that I'm better off alone sometimes!

========================

Thank you everyone for your support. I've decided to let my "friend" know that I'm going through a lot right now and that's why I haven't been in contact with her, and leave it at that.

I know I'm better off without a bad relationship. Its hard to convince myself of that, because when my PTSD flared up last fall, I lost a lot of so-called "friends" at school. It really hurt to have everyone turn on me and be left alone. But, I'm graduating from school in May and moving back to my hometown where I'll have more support from my family. I feel like I can make a fresh start and work on building my relationships there since this chapter of my life (at school, in this city) is ending.

 

[Nicolette]

When I did finally hear from her again, there was no mention of my last email and what I had shared with her

Are you sure she got your email? Did you ask her?

I think your gut instinct is your best bet. I was just curious if your friend had got the email or whether she had just become self centred?

 

[Deleted member 1860]

Are you sure she got your email? Did you ask her?

Yes, she did receive my email. I just checked my email messages, and I received a quick one line response from her after I told her about my PTSD, so I know she received the message. Of course, the one line response had nothing to do with anything...

 

[Grama-Herc]

You have made a wise decision. Trying to keep the *everything is great facade* in place is very difficult. In fact, I wore myself out trying to do that and finally had a compete breakdown that landed me in hospital.

While we don't need sympathy we welcome and thrive on support. The last thing we need is someone using up our energy when they don't care.

It will get better.

 

[cragger65]

I think it is more common than we think that people, yes even the ones we trust, don't know how to respond or deal with something beyond their own understanding and experience. I think the concensus is that you need people who DO understand, and I hope you can find that here, I certainly wish you the best and hope you get all the support and understanding that you will need.