Feeling Hurt And Traumatised

[Cazzer]

I just wondered if anyone else has a really good relationship with their therapist but when they are challenged about their thought processes or invited to think about them, that it can be a trigger of defensiveness and feeling misunderstood which feels completely unbearable and then when trying to explain It just feels as if the therapist is being completely defensive when she says she is not and then just the tone of voice of therapist being firm can completely destroy them and feel unsafe even when knowing the therapist is safe to be with ?

 

[mrsps]

My old T had a firm voice that she used every now and then and I hated it. But the reason I hated it was because it reminded me of my mothers "telling off" type voice. I wonder if you are having the same problem ...... your T is reminding you of someone else in your life that you have felt misunderstood by or who comes across defensive?
Best thing would be to bring this up with your T and let them know how you feel
:)

 

[falling_wave]

I think it's normal and it takes a lot of self awareness and trust to let down the defenses. Sometimes my T who I am very connected with and trust a lot can do this. I would tell her a fear I had that was hard to talk about but I wanted her to know. Then she sat back and in a more firm voice said that's a very negative thought, can you change it around for me? In the moment I felt like I wasn't heard and felt lectured but because I trusted her I decided to just go with what she said and tell her an alternate way it could go. Even though it wasn't my plan I felt better and she seemed pleased I was willing to cooperate with her. Other weeks we have gone into stuff more but I think she noticed when I need a quick jolt out of thought processes before investigating them. I think if you trust your T try to let yourself realize that this is not a controlling relationship and you have put yourself under her authority in a sense to get help. That eases my mind when I could shut down or fight back instead I cooperate because ultimately I want this. It is my choice. Also Ts not doing things exactly how we want or expect can teach us a lot about how to cope when things aren't what we want in other relationships. Just something to think about.

 

[Lozzer]

I really appreciate the responses and I realise that I am in therapy to get help and my therapist is understanding and supportive most of the time but it seems that when she invites me to think about what I say I seem to unconsciously react to being questioned and I guess become defensive but it's not a conscious choice to respond this way and my therapist will try to discuss this and ask questions which rationally and logically I understand but it felt I guess how it used to feel for me which was that how I felt was wrong and I would feel ambushed with negativity and questions. The problem is that my therapist seemed to become defensive towards me and it felt that I was misunderstood and this unconscious process got missed.

 

[falling_wave]

this unconscious process got missed.

It does take a lot practice of going back to the unconscious reaction and figuring out what happened until it becomes more conscious. I think it would be a great idea to say something like wow, this makes me feel pretty uncomfortable but then laugh it off or whatever and answer anyway. Then you are naming the reaction so you know and your T knows and it can't grow but you are moving through it. Then your T has that info to work with you on in the future too.

 

[Lozzer]

Thank you I will try to bear this in mind at my next therapy session and hope that I am able to be more conscious of it and therefore able to control it.
I find that when it happens I don't realise until days after I just feel completely misunderstood hurt and upset and it take a everything in me to go back and discuss it out of fear if being misunderstood again as I feel completely shameful that I react in such a way.