Sorry but I just need to vent about something that happened yesterday. I want to buy my wife a book on living with someone that has PTSD. So I thought about getting her "When Someone You Love Suffers for Posttraumatic Stress" based on Amazon reviews. I want to get her a book because she just doesn't get why I get so angry or why I act a certain way. So I told her that I was thinking of buying the book for her and putting on her tablet. She asked me why I would want to buy her a book that she will not read. Then proceeds to ask me if there is a book that will tell her when I'm just using my PTSD as an excuse. This really bothered me. She thinks that I should just react to things like people who don't suffer from PTSD do. If there was a book that would help me to better understand something that she might be going through, I would willingly read it. It just really bugs me that she would say this. Is this something that should bug me or am I overreacting? Any others been through something similar and have any tips?
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Feeling Irritated With My Wife
- Post starter Shoob
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I'm no expert in relationships, so disregard this if it doesn't fit.
As someone with PTSD, I can't always help my internal reaction and emotions, which can make many things far more challenging. Its important for someone close to me to understand that so that I can feel accepted and supported.
I do have a choice over my behaviors and external reactions, and that is important in relating to others. For example, I know that when I felt extremely angry with my daughter, I needed to walk out of the house before saying something that I would regret.
Both people have needs, so I must understand the others needs and be honest about how or how much I can give to them. This requires a great deal of trust and communication, because they also want to feel understood and accepted.
All this to say that it is important to trust each other (listen, understand, and validate each others experience) and then find a way to cooperate towards meeting each others needs within and without of the relationship.
As someone with PTSD, I can't always help my internal reaction and emotions, which can make many things far more challenging. Its important for someone close to me to understand that so that I can feel accepted and supported.
I do have a choice over my behaviors and external reactions, and that is important in relating to others. For example, I know that when I felt extremely angry with my daughter, I needed to walk out of the house before saying something that I would regret.
Both people have needs, so I must understand the others needs and be honest about how or how much I can give to them. This requires a great deal of trust and communication, because they also want to feel understood and accepted.
All this to say that it is important to trust each other (listen, understand, and validate each others experience) and then find a way to cooperate towards meeting each others needs within and without of the relationship.
Hmmmm. I would pay careful attention to this. I would have huge issues if someone said this to me.
That being said, are you doing your part to address the issues that will affect your wife? For instance:
1) In treatment
2) Researching and understanding yourself how PTSD is affecting you
3) Researching and understanding yourself how your PTSD may be affecting your wife
4) Taking responsibility for your actions.
Just a few thoughts.
Ouch. That sounds insensitive for sure. The fact is, you were encouraging her understanding with hopes of strengthening your relationship. The quip was curt and if that is how she feels, maybe she could read the book first and have a separate convo. But hey, I always expect more than what usually happens in the course of life. ;)
Friday
Sponsor
Not everyone is a reader, and of those who are, many are super picky about what books they read <raises hand>. So, personally, I grok not wanting money wasted on a book I won't read.
So purely from the practical? Print this out instead. It's a couple pages.
Link Removed
& this
The PTSD Cup - Post Traumatic Stress Disorder Explained
...
Beyond that 2 things:
1)
- A man convinced against his will is of the same opinion, still.
- You can lead a horse to water, but cannot make them drink.
2)
& What @shimmerz said.
How up on her problems & challenges are you? I know you said you would read to understand her, but if you're going off of reviews, it doesn't sound like you actually have?
So purely from the practical? Print this out instead. It's a couple pages.
Link Removed
& this
The PTSD Cup - Post Traumatic Stress Disorder Explained
...
Beyond that 2 things:
1)
- A man convinced against his will is of the same opinion, still.
- You can lead a horse to water, but cannot make them drink.
2)
& What @shimmerz said.
How up on her problems & challenges are you? I know you said you would read to understand her, but if you're going off of reviews, it doesn't sound like you actually have?
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Thank you all for the advice.
Hope69, I need to work on my external reactions. The majority of the time when I react externally it is not directed at my wife. It tends to happen a lot when I am in the car. I react toward other drivers that I perceive as doing stupid. I am always on edge when I am inside a vehicle. That is something that I need to work on.
Shimmerz, back in September my wife asked me to seek help again, because she was having a hard time dealing with my anger. So I went to the VA and got put back on some meds (which we are still playing around with). I also got in with a T and will start next week working with her and maybe doing some group stuff in the near future. I will be honest that I have never really done any research on how PTSD affects those around me. Maybe I should get the book and read it first, so that I can better understand how those around me feel.
Watundah, I felt that it was insensitive also. I need to sit down with her and have a conversation about how I feel and even share with her more about my trauma.
Friday, thank you for sharing those resources. She isn't much of a book reader so maybe I shouldn't push it on her.
Hope69, I need to work on my external reactions. The majority of the time when I react externally it is not directed at my wife. It tends to happen a lot when I am in the car. I react toward other drivers that I perceive as doing stupid. I am always on edge when I am inside a vehicle. That is something that I need to work on.
Shimmerz, back in September my wife asked me to seek help again, because she was having a hard time dealing with my anger. So I went to the VA and got put back on some meds (which we are still playing around with). I also got in with a T and will start next week working with her and maybe doing some group stuff in the near future. I will be honest that I have never really done any research on how PTSD affects those around me. Maybe I should get the book and read it first, so that I can better understand how those around me feel.
Watundah, I felt that it was insensitive also. I need to sit down with her and have a conversation about how I feel and even share with her more about my trauma.
Friday, thank you for sharing those resources. She isn't much of a book reader so maybe I shouldn't push it on her.
NoWhereKnowWhere
Diamond Member
I got my partner the exact same book he hadn't read it and I asked him why. He said he was kinda scared to. He knows I struggle and I'm in emotional pain quite a lot of the time. He said he wasn't sure if he wanted to know the extent. The thought of someone you love being in pain and there's not really anything you can productively "do" to change that, I can understand where he's coming from. He already is, does, and puts up with so much.
It's there if he wants to eventually read it. But the articles Friday posted I forwarded to him ages ago and they seem to help. Ultimately all it would do is help him understand a bit more it's up to me to do the work and try to regulate my symptoms with him cheering me on.
It's there if he wants to eventually read it. But the articles Friday posted I forwarded to him ages ago and they seem to help. Ultimately all it would do is help him understand a bit more it's up to me to do the work and try to regulate my symptoms with him cheering me on.
Ask her what she knows. Ask her how she learned it. TV or movies? Most of what people know about PTSD is wrong, from TV or Movies.
Ask her if what she knows about other things that she learned from TV is necessarily the truth or if she understands that it's all concocted for entertainment and that you can't become a crime scene investigator by watching CSI or a chef by watching Hells Kitchen. Or a person that understands PTSD by watching shows with PTSD sufferers in them.
Or a good shortstop by watching baseball games, and that's real life. Dammit.
Ask her if what she knows about other things that she learned from TV is necessarily the truth or if she understands that it's all concocted for entertainment and that you can't become a crime scene investigator by watching CSI or a chef by watching Hells Kitchen. Or a person that understands PTSD by watching shows with PTSD sufferers in them.
Or a good shortstop by watching baseball games, and that's real life. Dammit.
As a supporter, I would be over the moon if my SO got me that book because I see that as 1) He is acknowledging that I am making an effort to understand, 2) He's not skirting around the issue of PTSD in our relationship. I may have a touch of moodiness if I got the book from my SO if he wasn't taking his own steps to make improvements, but it sounds like you're working on therapy and meds.
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