Feeling like a burden.

[mylunareclipse]

When it hits you out of nowhere. Depression again. For few weeks not again. The guilt. The shame. Why am I such a burden?
And then the wrong words, while trying to talk it out. My husband is so kind and nice to me. I was talking to him last night about how I constantly feel like a burden and that I am taking too much time and space and annoying people.
He said that I am just projecting. No-one thinks these things about me. They don't put that much energy onto thinking this stuff.
He is right.
Yet it made me feel more guilty. More like a burden.
What am I doing here on earth, burdening and projecting onto people my broken ugly brain.
I wish it was easier to go away. Just a wish and then you're gone.
Why can't I be normal just like everyone else?

 

[expectingbetter]

I'm asking the same thing unfortunately. I feel currently like a burden to my therapist.

I'm sorry you are suffering like this.
I strongly believe you should believe what your husband said. I'll try too what my therapist will say.

Hang on. I don't have much hopeful words, but please try to find something to occupy your mind with, it helps with such thoughts.

Good luck.

 

[Tornadic Thoughts]

I, too, often feel like I'm a burden, most especially to my husband. He's quick to remind me of the things I do around here and for others and that helps put it back into a more realistic perspective since I obviously view it differently based heavily on what I'd been conditioned/programmed to believe for most of my life. Some days I feel like a burden to any and everyone who spends time and energy on me, even if I'm paying them to do so.

The days I feel that heavy, I have to head out to my favorite tree and tell it how I feel. Speaking it (or writing it out, then safely burning it if I never want other eyes to see it, if I can't get outside due to shitty weather) and getting it out of my head helps so much. Then I ask myself if I'd talk to my closest loved ones the same way I talk to myself. The answer is always a clear, "Hell no!", which helps me redirect my thought loops to help myself dig back out of that depressive ditch by using a much more nurturing approach. Took me decades to finally find methods that actually helped and lead me to that realization, among many others I didn't even know I needed to know.

Then I have to do something physical to get those excess energies out of my body. The mini-trampoline and hula hoops are my first choice, as well as simply dancing like a fool if I happen to be away from home. Primal screaming into a pillow, while driving on back roads, or while in the forest works wonders for me, too. Deep diaphragmatic breathing is another instant mood/attitude adjuster, as well as alternate nostril breathing and square breathing. Oxygenating the cells on a regular basis is a good idea even on a good day.

Then I make it a point to nurture my innards, who also suffer thanks to my self-defeating inner thoughts/self-talk, with something that helps healthily hydrate and nourish my cells to help minimize all those random symptoms that pop up as a result of the thoughts and various substances that greatly lower my vibrations.

The longer I exist, the more convinced I am that there is no "normal". I think that's the biggest projection/illusion we all fall for, which creates the hellish mind space we then spend a lifetime trying to escape and dig our way out of. Wishing you wellness and a lightened load on your heart. It's a daily battle that we have to love ourselves through, but most of us having never been taught healthy self-love, makes it tricky as f*ck to figure out and navigate. Heart hugs heading your way.

 

[Treaty]

Your husband sounds really wonderful. I can relate. But I guess I mean what are the options. I mean suicide would make life harder on others not easier. Which probably doesn’t make you feel any better either. But you know it’s not your fault you suffer. If you think about it your not a mean person. You don’t hurt people. You just feel like you hold other people back, right? But you probably make their lives good too.

 

[mylunareclipse]

I, too, often feel like I'm a burden, most especially to my husband. He's quick to remind me...

This was such a thoughtful reply. Thank you for sharing your coping skills with me! I will try to go for some movement.
I get myself caught up in such a loop. Feeling like a burden for feeling like a burden, if you know what I mean. It makes it hard to accept help or love. Especially from "healthy" people like my husband who might not understand where I am coming from. But then I read your replies here and I feel some comfort. Because someone gets it (fortunately or unfortunately) and I feel a little less like a freak. and a little less alone. Hugs.

 

[Deleted member 34328]

I'm a day late adding to this. Sorry about that. I do understand what it is to feel like such a burden on others.

Is it possible for you to look at it as not taking other's time, energy but rather giving them the opportunity to help a friend? Allow them the pleasure in knowing that their thoughts/words/actions are appreciated and helpful to another.

It's one thing to consider.

 

[Freida]

The longer I exist, the more convinced I am that there is no "normal". I think that's the biggest projection/illusion we all fall for, which creates the hellish mind space we then spend a lifetime trying to escape and dig our way out of.

I try to convince myself of this on a regular basis.... there is no "normal" there is just people with different experiences

Is it possible for you to look at it as not taking other's time, energy but rather giving them the opportunity to help a friend?

My bestie and hubby have both nailed me on this. That I don't get to decide what they do with their time or how they feel about it. It seems I make a much bigger deal about my negative effect on their lives than they do. I think keeping quiet helps-- they say letting them help me is what helps them. hard to get my mind around but if I listen to them then I am less of a burden when I let them help. Wierd yes -- but.....