Feeling like a burden

[Sunnydog]

My permanent partner has a pretty low income, a job that takes a lot of time and many health issues. He objectively cannot support me. My job situation is very unstable. I feel like i am nothing but a burden for him. He says he doesn’t want to hear it and goes above and beyond for me. But I know that I am only a source of problems for him. I am thinking to break up with him so he wouldn’t have to deal with someone like me.
Anyone had similar experience? Is leaving him a good idea in terms of what is better for him?

 

[arfie]

hello sunnydog. welcome to the forum.

Anyone had similar experience? Is leaving him a good idea in terms of what is better for him?

yup. part of my prenuptial agreement was that i would offer my partner a divorce every anniversary. i've made the offer 43 times and he has yet to accept. maybe 44 will be the magic number. we'll see next month. my hypervigilance on the matter has been sufficient that i have run from him more than once, but working through all the issues attached has provided potent healing mojo. this symptom still persists, but the therapy tools for it have been working better and better every time i ply them.

is my leaving him better for him? who am i to judge what is better for anybody? i scarcely know what is better for me, much less other people. one of my psych symptoms is the inability to trust anything or anybody. trust exercises are the therapy tool i ply for that gnarly symptom.

but that is me and every case is unique.

steadying support while you find what works for you. welcome aboard.

 

[Sunnydog]

Hello Arfie.
I also have trust problems. By nature I tended to overly trust people, when I was a child my parents didn’t want to leave me home alone or to go outside like other kids. They were righteously concerned about me letting any stranger into the apartment or to go with any stranger who would promise to show me puppies or kittens. Even my traumatic experience didn’t change that too much… I never spoke about this experience with anyone but people who had been through something similar. But I trusted anyone who was talking to me like they liked me. I can’t read people at all, I don’t understand indirect language, so I go with what people say. It lead me to being backstabbed a few times. Now I don’t trust anyone outside of my family. My partner is my family though, and I trust him… I am an immigrant. I only have my lifelong partner and my service dog here. Plus two close friends.
I’m asking myself if my partner is really going to be better off without me. Objectively, yes, he will. Subjectively… He has many physical health issues, and at times I assume a caregiver’s role. Would I be better off without him? Absolutely no. No matter what. I will take care of this man, and he is never a burden for me. Despite my problems with experiencing loving feelings, I do love him as much as I can love a human being. My dog is a priority, but he is the most important person in my life. No matter what. Love is never a burden.
But it’s different when I think about myself. I feel like a burden and a source of problems for him. I recently lost my job (again ), and the first thing he said was:
-You are not going to go homeless.
I can’t move in with him because of my rent agreement and, to a lesser extent, my fear of owning a house rather than renting. But anyway. He lives with chronic pain because of degenerative disease. He is prone to severe respiratory problems, when he needs oxygen. He has unstable diabetes and nearly slipped into a hypoglycemic coma in my presence. He has serious digestive issues. And… And other issues. But I will never leave him, because I love him.
I am wondering if he has the same feelings about me. But I want him to be happy. With me or without me. Hell! I just want to know what he really wants!
Recently I was suicidal, and he told me that if I do anything to myself, he will nurse me back to health in order to beat me up.
But. I just want this great man to be happy. It’s all I want. He is the most important person in my life, and the only person I have here… The rest of my family is in my country of origin. Sorry, I won’t disclose what country is it as the forum rules don’t allow to post any information that may potentially lead to identification. But… I only have my man here. My other loved ones are far away and… Too hard to talk. They are not safe.

 

[Friday]

Is leaving him a good idea in terms of what is better for him?

Is raping someone a good idea when they say no? Or does their choice matter?

Leave him if you don’t want to be with him. Not because he cannot be trusted to make choices, have agency, or decide his own life.

I’ve left countless people, so I’m not saying this lightly. Leave him if you don’t want to be with him. Not because it’s better for him. That? Is his choice. Give him the right to make it. Even if you disagree with it.

 

[arfie]

I’m asking myself if my partner is really going to be better off without me. Objectively, yes, he will.

of all the things i hate about my mental health condition, the inability to be objective about it is my most despised symptom. science is my passion and my primary career was engineering, amid the job-hopping from my emotional instability. losing my objectivity so often is a glaring problem to my logical senses. is the love of my life better off without me? i'm not sure i can be objective about that one on my most stable of days.

Subjectively… He has many physical health issues, and at times I assume a caregiver’s role. Would I be better off without him? Absolutely no. No matter what. I will take care of this man, and he is never a burden for me.

this could be the most objective of summaries i've found yet for my own case. logical or not, the heart goes where it goes. follow it. the brain knows. the heart shows. save the conclusive summaries until after the research is complete.

He is the most important person in my life, and the only person I have here… The rest of my family is in my country of origin.

expert i ain't, but i wonder if culture shock is playing into this scenario. i have lived in other countries and am quite active in the immigrant communities in my country of immigrants. i take culture shock seriously. it is a sneaky phenom that slithers in the most unpredictable of places and ways. unhealthy levels of isolation is pretty high on the symptom list. my current wandering wonder is if your urges to leave the love of your life is a subconscious alert to expand your personal community. as much as i love my man, he can't be my everything. it takes a village to live a healthy life.