Feeling like an intruder and wondering if my situation is valid

[Deleted member 541]

My apologies. I assumed because of this...

The person was exposed to: death, threatened death, actual or threatened serious injury, or actual or threatened sexual violence, in the following way(s):

• Direct exposure
• Witnessing the trauma
• Learning that a relative or close friend was exposed to a trauma
• Indirect exposure to aversive details of the trauma, usually in the course of professional duties (e.g., first responders, medics).... ( First responders, medics.. As in THERE on the job wittinessing the actual trauma.)

So, again, I apologize to the OP...

 

[FragileGlass]

@CatInTree

Please forgive the unfortunate and insensitive discussion that took place here. You have absolutely no need to question your feelings or ever feel like you're intruding. Your feelings are valid. You most definitely belong here with us as a support system even though I am new here as well. I am very sorry you've had these helpless and overwhelming moments. Please feel free to contact me directly via PM as i would happily make myself personally available to chat. I've worked with all members of crisis support lines, 911 dispatch, counsellors whom work with clients from a distance and absolutely feel and empathize with the hurt that follows in difficult events.

Again, I wish you all the best. YOU ARE NOT ALONE! :)

 

[mumstheword]

Symptoms are symptoms.

My worst thing in life was having to leave my children behind when I left my long-term abuser. I was an utterly shattered, extremely ill mess and homeless to boot. I also have no car or licence yet.

It truly broke me, knowing the person I was leaving my children with and the abuse I had sustained at his hands. But he was their father and there were no other options other than stay and die, leaving them utterly alone with him.

It's the helplessness and powerlessness, I think, that is primarily causative to PTSD.

If you can run away, you don't get it, providing you're not leaving others to die or get seriously hurt.
If you can save the person, or people, you don't get it.
But if you are trapped, unable to affect a positive and or life saving outcome and people get seriously hurt or killed, it nearly kills your sense of empowerment in the world.

I already had it when I left me kids, but leaving them was the hardest, most painful thing I ever had to do.

I did get my youngest back, but all of my children have psychological injury and I'm lucky we all pulled through.

I, for one, welcome you @CatInTree. You sound like a very kind, compassionate, empathetic, humble and genuine person and I would like to extend a warm welcome.

I'm pretty new too, but if you feel comfortable enough, I'd love to get to know you better and extend whatever support I am able.

 

[MyWillow]

Welcome! I hope you find some solace here.

I don’t have a diagnosis. I don’t have any memory of trauma. I grew up in a typically dysfunctional family. I’ve had a couple of serious injuries recently which seemed to have triggered symptoms that I’ve been dealing with my whole life to a greater or lesser degree. But I find this forum extremely useful to make sense of these symptoms - structural dissociation, dysregulation, numbing, dissociating in therapy, flashbacks, lack of self worth, overwork, over achiever, lack of boundaries...the list goes on.

 

[Freida]

I'm going to expand on the 911 world (hopefully to clarify just in case the OP is a dispatcher. If so, they may need to hear this ).

For many years the belief was that 911 dispatchers couldn't have ptsd because they were not physically where the incident was taking place. 911 has only been in existence for about 40 years, so no one is still sure what the long term effects are going to be. Many dispatchers working today were there when the 911 switch was first flipped. In fact, right now there is a debate going on with the Office of Professional Management that currently classifies 911 in the same category as secretarial staff and tow truck dispatchers. They are asking to be moved to the First Responder category

The job expanded at the same time that PTSD became more understood and it has become more accepted that though the dispatcher is not on site, they are still there - which means they are exposed to the traumatic events their caller is experiencing. Much of the job involves listen to people suffer and die. This is the big link from the list of ptsd risk..." Feeling horror, helplessness, or extreme fear" They hear everything. The child die, the murder, the person trapped in a burning building, all of it. They listen to people beg for help and scream and kill themselves. They do CPR and deliver babies over the phone. Their job is to translate what they are hearing, paint a picture in their head and relay that picture to the responders. They do this every day, often for decades, and the calls come in one right after another.

A small research survey was done just a few years ago -and found that over 30% of the dispatchers qualified for PTSD. As of now there is a growing movement to get help to these people but it is still hit and miss depending on the area and the size of the center. Critical Incident Stress Debriefings are becoming more common but most of them go their entire careers on the Suck It Up Cupcake expectation.

And it's not just 911. Those who work suicide prevention lines face much of the same stressors.

@CatInTree you don't need to prove anything to ask for help. If it makes you feel better to come here and see what tools people are using and how they are coping then that's ok. If you are one of those people who don't quite match what is "supposed to be" or you've been taught you are failing if you ask for help that's ok too. Read away. Hopefully it will encourage you to get into counseling. You may find out you have ptsd, or you may not. Either way you will find a path to help you better your life. And really, that's what this is all about.

 

[CatInTree]

First I'd like to thank everyone who defended me.

I'm also going to take a break from this forum, for my own protection. I can't be a part of a community where there's constantly a risk of being told that I'm not legit. And experience from other times I tried opening up tells me that it will happen again. I'm better off going back to my books.

I'd also like to clarify a few things. I wasn't an emergency dispatcher, I was involved in suicide prevention. I didn't technically get paid, but it was what legally counts as a full working week where I come from. For 18 months. During this time I also worked part time in a shop for money.

Thank you again to those who stood up for me.

I may return some day, but right now I'm in a state where I don't want this kind of discussion taking place when I'm having a bad day. Today was a good day until I came here.

 

[CatInTree]

Okay, final post since I need to get this off my chest.

I think what really got me is the thinly disguised attitude that I'm exaggerating. I'm met with that pretty close to all the time. People keep saying how important it is to have a support network, but apparently this place, which is aimed at people with ptsd, isn't a support place for ptsd unless you fit into a very specific group. Right now I'm sorry I ever made the mistake of thinking otherwise.

Indirect exposure to aversive details of the trauma, usually in the course of professional duties (e.g., first responders, medics).... ( First responders, medics.. As in THERE on the job wittinessing the actual trauma.)

What did you think indirect means?

I said that I'm diagnosed. What makes you think you know better than professionals? Why is it whenever someone says that they're not going to be rude that's exactly what they are? How would you feel if someone told you that you can't have ptsd because you haven't been in combat or because (insert the blank) hasn't happened to you? You did come across as wanting someone to come and back you up that I'm just a dramaqueen making stuff up for attention or something like that.

I'm sorry for being such an inconvenience. I'm getting used to it by now. My story is inconvenient wherever I go. I don't fit in or I'm asked to leave. I know I wasn't asked this time, but this debate just proves that it's gonna happen if I stay, so I'll show myself out. Again. Maybe one of these decades I'll be able to tell my story without having someone shut me down.

 

[mumstheword]

I'm really, really sorry this experience has hurt you. I believe you. You don't deserve the invalidation. I guess people sometimes invalidate what they don't understand.
I'm praying that you find the support and validation you need.

Take care and nurture yourself. You need it more that ever after dealing with nay sayers and invalidation.

 

[Deleted member 541]

@CatInTree I’ve apologized, and I will apologize again for my stupidity. I’m sorry, I misunderstood the criteria. We’re all humans, we all make mistakes. I’m no different, I f*ck up and usually when I do, it’s major. This was pretty major.

 

[Freida]

@CatInTree I'm also very sorry your experience here was not what you had hoped for.....But I would ask you to give it a second chance. As I go back thru the posts I can completely understand why you are upset. But one thing to remember...we are all people wandering a difficult path and sometimes we screw up. What makes this group amazing is that when we accidentally hurt someone we own it. We apologize and hope we can fix what has happened

Sometimes we get heated or opinionated ....but at the end of the day its about supporting each other.

 

[CatInTree]

I mean... I kinda want to return, but I made a total fool of myself here.

I'm sorry for lashing out. I shouldn't have done that, especially as I'm asking for help from the community I let down in the first place, which brought me here... Yeah, my head gets complicated.

That's why I feel like an intruder. It occurred to me that I wasn't very clear on that in my original post. It just seemed obvious. About as obvious as putting one foot in front of the other is if I say "I walked to the grocery store". It was never about who's had it worse. I know that I can't compete.

 

[Freida]

Oh pumpkin you are gonna have to work way harder than that to make a fool of yourself on this site!! I think it's pretty safe to say we have all lashed out and had rants and looked like idiots. I know I have. But that's why this site exists. It's a safe place to lose it. It's also why we are anonymous.

And it's not about competing or comparing. It's about reaching out for ideas to stay sane when the world comes tumbling down. So yes.. C'mon back and hang out. :hug: