It feels impossible to get around my situation

[Hope2]

I have C-PTSD after a few traumas happened during a short period in my life. I got stuck in fight/flight and together with heavy weightlifting it shortened muscles more and more and locked my body in an extreme bad posture. After that the muscle tensions was super intense all the time. Could never relax with my family, friends or in situations where I before could get rest. I felt helpless but just kept on going. It screamed fear for everything with or without people. This was almost 20 years ago and it robbed me of my life. I’ve tried dozens of medicines, been hospitalized many times, got ECT, tried cbt, exposure therapy, treatments of all kind, met many physiotherapists and tried many rehab programs, yoga, herbs and so much more. My system was so sensitized that even slightest emotion of joy or calm good feeling has triggered the muscle tensions, put me in a very bad posture, never ever felt any peace in body except when I’ve been exhausted and burnout then the tensions drop and I can get some little piece before it get some new energy for more tensions. It’s so cruel because ALL positive areas in life that wake positive feelings also triggers the muscle tensions, anxiety and fear. Sitting in a table, walk outside, be around people I love triggers emotions and hyperarousal from that and then triggers tensions and fear, my life has today been replaced with that feelings. Can’t have positive emotions then it’s getting worse.

I started microdosing psilocybin a couple months ago and started to see progress I haven’t experienced during all these 20 years. Felt more in my body, connected with myself I had reminded me of. It helped me from my 7 year old brain fatigue, but as soon as I started becoming better from that it started activating muscle tensions little by little and the anxiety coming from that has been like a locomotive running me over, totally helpless. It’s impossible to just be in a conversation with anyone, family or friend. Nothing work, breathing techniques, yoga, etc because the forces in the muscle tensions are so strong it takes over everything until I get exhausted.

I don’t know what to do anymore. It feels I’ve tried everything I can think of and I’ve continued for 20 years in this nightmare. Many times when I wanted to die I continue because I don’t want to leave my mother with a tragedy, but I feel this is impossible to get better from. It’s not only the first traumas but the body has been the biggest one, impossible to get around. And I understand it’s now 20 years of neural network that has been triggered daily and I don’t know if it’s possible to get around. I feel really suicidal again.

 

[abovedown]

I have C-PTSD after a few traumas happened during a short period in my life. I got stuck in fight/flight and together with heavy weightlifting it shortened muscles more and more and locked my body in an extreme bad posture. After that the muscle tensions was super intense all the time. Could never relax with my family, friends or in situations where I before could get rest. I felt helpless but just kept on going. It screamed fear for everything with or without people. This was almost 20 years ago and it robbed me of my life. I’ve tried dozens of medicines, been hospitalized many times, got ECT, tried cbt, exposure therapy, treatments of all kind, met many physiotherapists and tried many rehab programs, yoga, herbs and so much more. My system was so sensitized that even slightest emotion of joy or calm good feeling has triggered the muscle tensions, put me in a very bad posture, never ever felt any peace in body except when I’ve been exhausted and burnout then the tensions drop and I can get some little piece before it get some new energy for more tensions. It’s so cruel because ALL positive areas in life that wake positive feelings also triggers the muscle tensions, anxiety and fear. Sitting in a table, walk outside, be around people I love triggers emotions and hyperarousal from that and then triggers tensions and fear, my life has today been replaced with that feelings. Can’t have positive emotions then it’s getting worse.

I started microdosing psilocybin a couple months ago and started to see progress I haven’t experienced during all these 20 years. Felt more in my body, connected with myself I had reminded me of. It helped me from my 7 year old brain fatigue, but as soon as I started becoming better from that it started activating muscle tensions little by little and the anxiety coming from that has been like a locomotive running me over, totally helpless. It’s impossible to just be in a conversation with anyone, family or friend. Nothing work, breathing techniques, yoga, etc because the forces in the muscle tensions are so strong it takes over everything until I get exhausted.

I don’t know what to do anymore. It feels I’ve tried everything I can think of and I’ve continued for 20 years in this nightmare. Many times when I wanted to die I continue because I don’t want to leave my mother with a tragedy, but I feel this is impossible to get better from. It’s not only the first traumas but the body has been the biggest one, impossible to get around. And I understand it’s now 20 years of neural network that has been triggered daily and I don’t know if it’s possible to get around. I feel really suicidal again.

I wonder would somekind of body awareness therapy work for you better ?

 

[Hope2]

I wonder would somekind of body awareness therapy work for you better ?

Thank you for commenting! I’ve done some Somatics the past 3-4 years, it’s a mind-body based exercise that should help reprogramming the signals to the muscles. It has helped some before not so much now when the muscle tensions has gone crazy, but will try to be better of doing it more frequent than it has been.

Do you have any other recommendations of body awareness therapy?

 

[Ecdysis]

I wonder whether looking into the Polyvagal theory might help?

It took me a really long time to understand it, but when I did, I found it pretty helpful.

Basically, the most important point is the sympathetic (stress) and parasympathetic (relaxation) mode.

The Polyvagal theory also explains that there are 2 parasympathetic states - one helpful one (relaxation) and a less helpful one (crashing/ depression).

In a healthy, non-traumatised body-mind-system, a person can easily switch back and forth between parasympathetic and sympathetic states as needed - for example run/ hunt/ work and rest/ digest/ sleep.

With things like trauma, that system gets messed up and we can get stuck in too much stress (muscle tension) and too much relaxation (low energy and depression).

Learning to work with how to go to each state as needed, learning cues to help you switch between the states has been really helpful for me.

Also, learning to see that these things aren't negative (muscle tension, depression) ... These things are good at the right time and in the right dose... They've just become dysfunctional because we get stuck in them and it's too much of these things... So trying to get back into healthier patterns of activation and rest...

 

[Hope2]

I wonder whether looking into the Polyvagal theory might help?

It took me a really long time to understand it, but when I did, I found it pretty helpful.

Basically, the most important point is the sympathetic (stress) and parasympathetic (relaxation) mode.

The Polyvagal theory also explains that there are 2 parasympathetic states - one helpful one (relaxation) and a less helpful one (crashing/ depression).

In a healthy, non-traumatised body-mind-system, a person can easily switch back and forth between parasympathetic and sympathetic states as needed - for example run/ hunt/ work and rest/ digest/ sleep.

With things like trauma, that system gets messed up and we can get stuck in too much stress (muscle tension) and too much relaxation (low energy and depression).

Learning to work with how to go to each state as needed, learning cues to help you switch between the states has been really helpful for me.

Also, learning to see that these things aren't negative (muscle tension, depression) ... These things are good at the right time and in the right dose... They've just become dysfunctional because we get stuck in them and it's too much of these things... So trying to get back into healthier patterns of activation and rest...

Thank you for comment I’ve heard it mention many times when I watched clips or read about trauma and is little familiar about sympathetic/parasympathetic systems but hasn’t dived in polyvagal theory that much.

Did you read any good book about it or how to work and explore the polyvagal theory?

 

[abovedown]

Thank you for commenting! I’ve done some Somatics the past 3-4 years, it’s a mind-body based exercise that should help reprogramming the signals to the muscles. It has helped some before not so much now when the muscle tensions has gone crazy, but will try to be better of doing it more frequent than it has been.

Do you have any other recommendations of body awareness therapy?

Unfortunately no :/