Feeling Like I Don't Matter

[Holdingontohope]

I am really struggling today. I was feeling suicidal yesterday, so I called my T. He didn't answer so I left a message. I made it through the night without hurting myself in any lasting way, but I am still having some frequent and persistent suicidal thoughts. I am scared. I don't want to die, but when my emotions get so out of contro(like they are right now) I can do some really impulsive stupid things. I am feeling really unstable and out of control.

On top of that, my T hasn't called me back so now I can't get the though out of my head that he hates me/doesn't care/thinks I'm annoying, etc. It seems like maybe he is getting tired of me. It has been taking him a lot longer to reply to emails in the last couple months. Maybe he is getting tired of meeting with me because I am too needy/annoying right now.

I am angry at myself for letting this hurt me. He is under no obligation to return my call or emails, so what was I expecting? I kind of want to call and cancel my next appointment (or even just nother show up) to be like "see I don't need you either". That sounds really childish though. I don't know what to do. I feel so stupid and worthless right now. Maybe I really don't matter.

 

[Joan]

You do matter! I think that is a common thought/message that many of us hear and believe and interpret everything through. Most importantly though if you feel a danger to yourself call a hotline, go to the ER.....talk to someone....kudos for putting it out here, keep reaching out. You do matter!

 

[Deleted member 12723]

I agree with Joan, you do matter. But please do contact at least a hotline to start expressing your feelings so they will diminish.

 

[Suzetig]

There are a hundred different reasons why your T hasn't replied, none of which are about you not mattering. What would you want him to do if you cancelled your appointment or just didn't turn up? Would you hope he'd contact you to find out why, be hurt, not care? It sounds like you want to test whether he cares and is there for you but the best way to do that is to talk to him about between session contact, what he can reasonably support and agree what you should do when you're in crisis.

Do you have someone just now who knows you're struggling? Can you use different strategies for managing intrusive thoughts and feelings? I'm sorry you're feeling so low - you've done so well to stay safe so far, just keep doing what you're doing.

 

[Holdingontohope]

I did end up talking to someone else and feel a little better now. Not completely, but enough I feel safer than I did earlier.

I guess canceling or not showing up would kind of be a way of me testing whether T cares. I agree that that isn't the best way of dealing with it. I do think it would be helpful to talk to him about expectations as far as contact between sessions and what to do when I am in crisis. Thank you for that suggestion. I just hope that I don't mess up the conversation and end up pushing him away more because I feel hurt.

 

[mrsmegan]

I have done a lot of pushing away when what I really want is to pull my T closer. It feels impossible, and extremely vulnerable, but I try really hard to just tell T, I am feeling hurt because of X, and it is making me feel like pushing you away because my stuff is getting triggered and I'm scared you hate me or will leave. Maybe you could try that? Or could you write it out first and email it ahead of your session if you are afraid of stumbling over your words?

 

[whiteraven]

I'm so sorry you are struggling. Like the others said, there could be so many reasons why your therapist hasn't responded. I tend to do the same thing you are doing here - figure that if he doesn't respond, it's because he doesn't care or I'm just not worthy of the care. But that kind of thinking, no matter what his actions, just reminds me that I'm not feeling positive about myself, so it must be my depression talking. Because if I were, I would never think that way about myself. Do you know how I know that? 'Cause I would never think that about anybody else.

Of course, I know all that doesn't change the feelings. I wish I could change how you are feeling. For now, I just want to say that I understand and am glad you were able to talk to someone. Hopefully it will continue to improve until you can talk to your therapist again.

 

[Seasounds]

@Holdingontohope, I glad you are feeling better. You matter to me. You are not at fault.

I agree with what others have said. Therapists don't respond to urgencies, due to any number of reasons they have. I've been in your shoes. And I've found it a challenge to know I am cared for and important, when people I want to be there, aren't.

For me, because therapists were suppose to help me, I thought they were suppose to be the mother or father-that I always wanted'; I expected that level of nurturing from them. On the other hand, some Ts have led me to believe they could be the ideal parent I never had. Those unrealistic expectations and promises were the problem..

What I came to believe was that my needs were always valid. What I came to realize was that I needed to spread my needs for 'an anchor' around to different aspects of my life. My mixture of supports are this forum, my psychiatrist, Alanon groups, Adult Children Of Alcoholic, and a good friend.

Using these resources seemed to help a situation you mentioned: people being annoyed because I was so needy.

One reason why this forum is helpful to me, is because it (and everyone-collectively) gives a 24/7 coverage; no therapist can do that.

A New Year's wish: here is hoping that we can all internalize the love and support we give each other, a little bit more, each day, because we deserve to own it.

You are good. Your needs are good. Your are important. You matter. It takes a village.