Feeling like you aren't worth the help

[ex123]

I am curious if anyone has ever felt like they aren't worth the help, and getting better. I had a huge breakdown in therapy because I found out after a year, that my birth mother had faked her suicide. I remember telling my therapist something along the lines of "if I went through all of that abuse as a child, I should've just died then because it was enough." I don't remember much of the session, because I think I was having an emotional flashback, but I do remember that, and it breaks my heart that I could even say that and think that about myself. Now I am beyond nervous to go back to therapy, and approach him, ugh. I was just recently diagnosed with PTSD, and I have never hated something more than this. :(

 

[bring em all in]

I feel like I'm not worth helping much of the time. Actually, I would say my inner critic feels that. Thankfully, I've recovered just enough to let the inner critic rage on while I continue to get help. I found myself apologizing to my therapist last week for bringing so many of my problems to her, then I realized: She chose this line of work. She is there because she knows we are worth helping and she chooses to help.

What a revelation!!!

 

[One step at a time]

Absolutely.

In particular, I've learned that I am really, really uncomfortable with what I have labeled "receiving without having given, first." I am not at all financially profitable for my T to spend time talking with, so I pretty much spent the first year with my T pointing out at least once a month that I should not be coming and spending her time because I cannot give her anything for it (and, implicitly, I am not worth her giving her time away for free).

But one of the first things we established is that she must be completely honest with me at all times, or say "I don't want to answer that." So I believe - and I need to believe - that she means what she says. And every time I bring this up, she looks me in the eye and says, "You give of yourself - even the parts that you are afraid to share - and that is the most valuable thing anyone can offer."

So. I'm not going to claim I never forget this - she still has to remind me from time to time - but it helps.

Also, you are just plain human and amazing and worth all the healing anybody can help you do.

 

[Muted]

Wow, that is amazing @One step at a time !!!!!

 

[bring em all in]

One of my favorite Bob Dylan lines reminds me of my feelings regarding this thread: "Stripped of all virtue/as you crawl through the dirt you/can give but you cannot receive." People try to give to me, especially in this online community and another I participate in, and I'm learning to accept the gifts of their acceptance, validation, and encouragement.