Iwillsurvive1101
New Here
Long story short.
I am 25 years old and a sufferer of CPTSD. I was mentally emotionally physically and sexually abused by my biological father from ages 2-15. Emotionally and mentally abused by my step father. Molested by my step grandpa. And raped by someone I considered a good friend when I was 15. A few months after the rape after self mutilation (cutting) horrible eating disorders, permiscuity, and 2 suicide attempts my mom admitted me into a mental hospital. I felt angry and betrayed. I was diagnosed with severe cptsd, adhd, severe depression and anxiety. I was heavily medicated but after a year I started to feel like myself and quit taking my meds.
At 18 I suffered another episode and again at 21. I never thought that I would endure an episode as bad as my first though. My first I started blacking out and in these black out I became very self sabotaging. This last year my biggest fear became reality. My ptsd awoke in me like a hungry bear after a long cold winter. And it was burning with fire to destroy me like none other. I started experiencing the change in my personality around December of last year (I tend to get a tattoo or piercing 3-6 months before an episode begins).
In may my biological father was diagnosed with nonhodgkins lymphoma. My great grandmother passed away one week later. This made my fire emerge even more so. I tried so hard to repress. I kept pushing the fire down inside me. In June my step son came to visit. He was here for a month. His mother punished him for growing a relationship with me so in return he punished me. He became very angry, disrespectful, manipulative and disobedient. My husband not only did not stand with me as a team but in some situations he antagonized the his behavior. This was the straw that broke the camels back.
My PTSD exploded like a fire in overdrive trying to destroy every living thing it crossed. My hallucinations started with hearing voices in June. Black outs in July and visual and touching hallucinating as well. By august I wasn't myself. I couldn't regonize myself. It was like staring at myself in a mirror not recognizing the person I was seeing. Like watching myself 3rd person in disgust. And feeling like I could not control HER actions.
One week was so bad I had blacked out every other day for 4-24 hours at a time. Started with me hiding my wedding ring from myself. Then I blacked out and cheated on my husband twice in one week. I don't remember what events had taken place. What I do remember is realizing I couldn't remember going to sleep and fighting trying to wake up and see what was going on. Not being able to awaken from the darkness. Coming to for few seconds at a time only to be filled with fear and panic and disappearing again. Having no recollection of time or place. I had no clue on how to tell my husband about this. I wanted more then anything to didn't know how to with out him thinking it was a cop out. He had never seen me like this. HELL I had never seen me like this. I was confused and hurt. I felt violated, dirty, disgusted, and and terrified. But for the first time not by anyone other then myself. How would he ever understand. I began to push him away and he pulled me back everytime.
I was put on adderall buspar and zoloft. I started to feel more myself everyday. In September I started to see things more clearly and things starting getting better then ever between him and I in October. Towards the end of the month a girl I had confided in. Cried on her shoulder. Looked to her for comfort. Considered a best friend betrayed me and told my husband what happened. But lied in the process as well. Has turned one my closest friends against me. And is making fake facebook profiles and in impersonating me to people I know. I am devastated on so many levels. I lost 3 important people. But the only person I need is my husband. This has left his devastated, hurt, and angry. I know I should have been honest. I really just didn't know how to tell him. I had never cheated in my life and it was something I took great pride in.
How do I forgive myself? How can I exspect him to forgive me? Will he ever look at me the same? All I know for certain is if I had been in controll consiences of the decision I know it would not have happened. Unfortunately I did test this theory. I put myself in bad situations to prove to myself that I could control myself. When I am going through these episodes. There are 3 sides to me. Me- who I really am. The sad angry and impulsive me. And my black out me. All so different but one body.
I am 25 years old and a sufferer of CPTSD. I was mentally emotionally physically and sexually abused by my biological father from ages 2-15. Emotionally and mentally abused by my step father. Molested by my step grandpa. And raped by someone I considered a good friend when I was 15. A few months after the rape after self mutilation (cutting) horrible eating disorders, permiscuity, and 2 suicide attempts my mom admitted me into a mental hospital. I felt angry and betrayed. I was diagnosed with severe cptsd, adhd, severe depression and anxiety. I was heavily medicated but after a year I started to feel like myself and quit taking my meds.
At 18 I suffered another episode and again at 21. I never thought that I would endure an episode as bad as my first though. My first I started blacking out and in these black out I became very self sabotaging. This last year my biggest fear became reality. My ptsd awoke in me like a hungry bear after a long cold winter. And it was burning with fire to destroy me like none other. I started experiencing the change in my personality around December of last year (I tend to get a tattoo or piercing 3-6 months before an episode begins).
In may my biological father was diagnosed with nonhodgkins lymphoma. My great grandmother passed away one week later. This made my fire emerge even more so. I tried so hard to repress. I kept pushing the fire down inside me. In June my step son came to visit. He was here for a month. His mother punished him for growing a relationship with me so in return he punished me. He became very angry, disrespectful, manipulative and disobedient. My husband not only did not stand with me as a team but in some situations he antagonized the his behavior. This was the straw that broke the camels back.
My PTSD exploded like a fire in overdrive trying to destroy every living thing it crossed. My hallucinations started with hearing voices in June. Black outs in July and visual and touching hallucinating as well. By august I wasn't myself. I couldn't regonize myself. It was like staring at myself in a mirror not recognizing the person I was seeing. Like watching myself 3rd person in disgust. And feeling like I could not control HER actions.
One week was so bad I had blacked out every other day for 4-24 hours at a time. Started with me hiding my wedding ring from myself. Then I blacked out and cheated on my husband twice in one week. I don't remember what events had taken place. What I do remember is realizing I couldn't remember going to sleep and fighting trying to wake up and see what was going on. Not being able to awaken from the darkness. Coming to for few seconds at a time only to be filled with fear and panic and disappearing again. Having no recollection of time or place. I had no clue on how to tell my husband about this. I wanted more then anything to didn't know how to with out him thinking it was a cop out. He had never seen me like this. HELL I had never seen me like this. I was confused and hurt. I felt violated, dirty, disgusted, and and terrified. But for the first time not by anyone other then myself. How would he ever understand. I began to push him away and he pulled me back everytime.
I was put on adderall buspar and zoloft. I started to feel more myself everyday. In September I started to see things more clearly and things starting getting better then ever between him and I in October. Towards the end of the month a girl I had confided in. Cried on her shoulder. Looked to her for comfort. Considered a best friend betrayed me and told my husband what happened. But lied in the process as well. Has turned one my closest friends against me. And is making fake facebook profiles and in impersonating me to people I know. I am devastated on so many levels. I lost 3 important people. But the only person I need is my husband. This has left his devastated, hurt, and angry. I know I should have been honest. I really just didn't know how to tell him. I had never cheated in my life and it was something I took great pride in.
How do I forgive myself? How can I exspect him to forgive me? Will he ever look at me the same? All I know for certain is if I had been in controll consiences of the decision I know it would not have happened. Unfortunately I did test this theory. I put myself in bad situations to prove to myself that I could control myself. When I am going through these episodes. There are 3 sides to me. Me- who I really am. The sad angry and impulsive me. And my black out me. All so different but one body.
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