Feeling Mortified After Yesterday's Session

[barefoot]

So, yesterday I dissociated worse that I think I ever have in therapy. I haven't been dissociating much at all lately - had got to a point of thinking I was over it - but yesterday I just went so fast and so deep and I just couldn't get grounded. My therapist was working incredibly hard to ground me, I think, but wasn't really getting anywhere for a long time.

I have a two hour appointment - I ended up being there for three hours as she had an hour spare between me and her next client. At least the last 90 minutes if not longer was really just trying to get me grounded and back in my body so that she thought I was safe to leave.

When I used to dissociate more, I remember it feeling numb, like a nothingness. But yesterday, I felt really afraid. I can't put my finger on it, but I think there was a dread and a panic and a sense of being frozen in fear. Apart from dissociating, it made me behave...oddly... I did some strange things.

I feel mortified. Mortified for dissociating that badly when we thought I wasn't dissociating any more, mortified for behaving strangely, mortified for having to stay longer because I wasn't fit to leave, mortified that I stood arguing with her about it insisting I could leave when I could actually barely stand up, mortified that she went and bought me some cake to boost my sugar levels and help ground me because I was in such a state, mortified that I was so out of control of myself and she saw that, mortified that she was so concerned about me getting home that she asked me to text her and then I forgot and then she phoned and I panicked and couldn't answer...

She said when I left her room and in her phone message last night that we would speak this morning to check in and talk through what had happened and how I'm feeling. And I texted her this morning (I did text her last night after her voicemail to let her know I was home) but haven't heard from her today and it's now mid-afternoon. So we're obviously not going to have a call after all. And she was so lovely when I was there yesterday and she was working so hard to make sure I was ok and would be able to get home safely. But today, with her not calling - and not even texting back - I feel let down and abandoned and like she doesn't care. And I know those things aren't true. I know she'll have just been busy. Or that maybe she thought if I needed her I'd phone her. But I can't phone her because that would make me feel needy.

I feel so mortified. And so disappointed in myself. And so ashamed of myself.

I don't even have a question. I just feel horrible today. Because I can't get over the shame I feel about it and I can't get rid of the sense of fear but I don't even know what the fear is. I just want the feelings to go away.

 

[BloomInWinter]

Barefoot, I understand. That's happened to me, several times throughout the past years. I found it very frightening that my damage showed so naked and out of my control. I felt unsafe and it was SO hard to learn how to process these episodes. But it gets better each time.

We may feel ashamed, but that does not mean we are shameful. Episodes like this mean we hit a very powerful trigger and our brains protected us from being overwhelmed. It's not volitional. Our therapists get that. They don't think any less of us for having been overwhelmed. It's just a part of the process.

As far as her not responding, that's not ok. I'd call her office and ask her to please call you. Phoning our therapist doesn't make us needy, just overwhelmed.

But even if it did, what's wrong with having needs? Healthy human beings have needs. It's not a moral failing or a lack of strength. Understanding, asking for, and receiving help getting our needs met is a broad skill-set that healthy parenting in healthy family systems imparts to children as they grow. Those of us who didn't get that have to learn these skills ourselves, and tragically, very few do.

I rarely have called my therapists, but I've always felt better afterwards. Every time I do, it's helping me practice getting my needs met. That is a very good thing. It makes it easier for me to ask for my needs to be met out in the real world.

There's a good reason therapy is called "a practice." Comfort yourself, give yourself credit for handing a very rough session, and challenge any negative thoughts about your feelings as if you are challenging a bully trying to make fun of a child.

Hang in there.

 

[watundah]

BloomInWinter, excellent advice. I agree that now is time for some self compassion.

I had one session where I lost touch and disappeared completely for a while. That had never happened before and it's never happened again but it messed me up for a week in all sorts of ways - anxiety, heart rate, continued dissociation, all very weird.

I would feel the same way you do with regard to abandonment and would be hurt not to hear if I was told that I would. I know they get busy and this was a big deal. However it does sound like you have a dedicated therapist if she spent an extra hour with you, texted, called. Perhaps she just wanted to make sure you did make it home ok?

I also understand your hesitation to ask for help. I was taught it was a sign of weakness but now know it's strength. Reaching out now is a chance for growth and starting new practices.

Sending warm thoughts to you. Take good care.

 

[vivaladawn]

Reaching out now is a chance for growth and starting new practices.

Well said. Since you may have reached a powerful trigger, this could be a great opportunity for growth and moving forward. Please don't feel ashamed, I think you could be on the right track to some real progress.

 

[barefoot]

Thanks all...I'm having a hard time processing what you've written...I don't think I'm really "here" and nothing's making much sense to me...
I'll come back again and properly reply when I can wrap my head around it better. But I just wanted to say thanks for replying...your support means a lot - even if I can't quite work out what you're saying at the moment!

My therapist called this afternoon but I wasn't able to say much. Sigh...

 

[barefoot]

I found it very frightening that my damage showed so naked and out of my control. I felt unsafe

Yes...I think this is partly it... I'm generally very composed in sessions...I generally feel pretty in control of myself in sessions...and pretty in control of the sessions themselves too. And on Monday all that just went out the window and all my mess was just totally out there. Horrible.

I can't stop thinking about how afraid and unsafe I felt - I was literally backed into a corner of the room, wedged into the walls and my therapist was trying to coax me back to the sofa because I think she was worried that I was going to fall over. And I just stood feeling totally panicked. And I think I must have looked it too. I think I probably looked terrified.

We may feel ashamed, but that does not mean we are shameful.

Thank you for this. I think this is something I need to work on believing for myself. My therapist and I haven't really gone there with shame yet. We both know we need to - and we both know that the other knows we need to! I feel too scared of it but don't know why...I don't know what I think is going to happen.

what's wrong with having needs?

My therapist tries to reassure me of this too. And sometimes when she doesn't do things she says she will (like calling) I start to wonder if she's testing me. As if she thinks, "if you need to speak to me, take responsibility for your needs and pick up the phone and call me." But I know she would be horrified if she thought that's what I thought - I know she's not a game player and wouldn't ever "test" a client.

I think I hate feeling dependent and then panic if I think I look needy or desperate or clingy. As though if I look like I need something from someone, they will feel...almost repulsed by my need, And I've no idea why I feel that. And I don't think it about other people who express a need or ask for help. Although, actually, I'm not very good with full-on needy people either - I like to help others and will go out of my way to support someone and be of use. But there does come a point where I find that stifling and it makes me back off.

challenge any negative thoughts about your feelings as if you are challenging a bully trying to make fun of a child.

Yes, I need to practise this. When my therapist called yesterday, I said I felt pathetic - that my behaviour in session had been pathetic and that the way I'm feeling now feels pathetic. She got quite feisty about it and about my lack of self-compassion. I don't know why I find self-compassion so difficult. I think it's because I don't feel like my "trauma" is that bad. I don't think it was "traumatic enough" to cause all this all these years later. And I know comparing traumas isn't helpful. But maybe that's what's at the core of lots of this. That is wasn't that bad and I sometimes think I'm making it up. So then I just feel like a fraud. And someone who exaggerates or makes something up doesn't deserve any compassion.

 

[barefoot]

I agree that now is time for some self compassion.

I've cancelled everything in my diary for the next couple of days and am going to hole up and just try to just chill out. But what I've just written about self-compassion to @BloomInWinter - it's made me think that maybe I need to revisit my "trauma" with my therapist because I think that until I can truly accept that, there will be a disconnect. I told her what happened about a year ago but we haven't really done any deeper work around processing it. I think I dissociated so much then that anything more emotional than simply stating the facts of it made my head leave the room. So we spent a lot of time on grounding, feeling safe, trying to stay present etc and made progress in those areas. And the last few months we've been doing stuff around boundaries - and she threads things back to the "trauma" but I never pick up on it more to explore it. And I know she thinks that's what we need to do when I'm ready. How do I know when I'm ready?!

However it does sound like you have a dedicated therapist if she spent an extra hour with you, texted, called.

Yes, I feel very lucky. She has clear boundaries but will also go above and beyond if need be. The not doing what she always says she'll do is the only thing about her that I find quite difficult. I believe that she means what she says when she says it eg I'll phone you in the morning. But then I think the reality is that her diary is full in the morning so she can't call then so she might then call when she's got some time in the evening. It's annoying but I do think her intentions are true and that she means what she says in that also think she's quite forgetful... ;-)

We very rarely have phone calls btw - I might be making it sound like she says she's going to call all the time!

Reaching out now is a chance for growth and starting new practices.

Yes, I think that's probably true...thank you...

 

[barefoot]

@vivaladawn - yes, my therapist said yesterday that what happened on Monday is actually a sign of progress because it means that things are shifting. And that things want to "get out".

I feel scared of it though if it means there will be more of what happened on Monday and more of how it feels now :-(

 

[BloomInWinter]

The thing about dissociation is that it is a hallmark that our traumas were "that bad." No other proof is necessary. You deserve help for that. Just because the public in general is so invalidating and ignorant of trauma doesn't mean we're making it up, or making "too much of it."

There's no such thing as comparative suffering. Suffering is suffering. When people ask me about being a paramedic (in the past - thankfully no longer) I usually get asked what was the worst call. To the patient, EVERY call is the worst. Pain is pain and deserves acknowledgement and relief.

In the beginning of my therapy, dissociation in the therapy room would take me days, sometimes a week or two before my system would finally let down the vigilance and I'd feel more present. But each time, it takes less time to ground myself back. Each time, I practiced self-compassion, comfort, and acceptance. The skills we build up over these growth periods in therapy add up and become a very effective tool kit for life. Which still sucks, but it's better than the alternative.

Another thing I had to face and accept is the part of me that is/was always on guard with others began to let down the defensiveness in the therapy room. My brain decided it was a safe enough space and with a trusted enough person to allow my wounds to show themselves, whether I wanted them to or not. Having never experienced that kind of trust, it felt terrifying.

This is a sign of huge progress in your therapeutic alliance and in your ability to handle the resulting wave of crappy aftereffects. The skills you are employing now will be what helps you in the processing phase of your recovery. I'm so sorry that this sucks so bad. It will keep getting better.

 

[watundah]

Wow. What an incredibly tough session. I'm glad that it's slowly starting to make sense. It is indeed progress, which in itself is scary.

The control part is sooo hard. One thing we cling to to keep our mental house in order, and damn, do pieces fall out of whack when it shifts. I fear that, too. A chink in the armour, but letting go is a sign of strength.

Ack. Forgetful therapist! Grr..:cool:

 

[barefoot]

The thing about dissociation is that it is a hallmark that our traumas were "that bad." No other proof is necessary.

I can see that this makes sense...If something hadn't happened, I wouldn't have the symptoms I have, including dissociation... That makes sense, intellectually...I just can't make whatever needs to properly click into place, click into place...so that I actually, properly believe that in relation to "my story". And usually, the longer I spend thinking about what happened, the more distant it seems to feel...like it's nothing to do with me...that it's not real.

I think maybe I need to reflect on this more and maybe talk about it in therapy...I think this constant internal conflict (what happened, have I made it up, if it happened was it bad enough) is keeping me stuck... My therapist has said before that I'm in denial and that what happened was a big deal. She doesn't say it in a pushy way... I guess she says it in a compassionate, validating way...I just can't seem to accept the realness of it actually applying to me...

Another thing I had to face and accept is the part of me that is/was always on guard with others began to let down the defensiveness in the therapy room. My brain decided it was a safe enough space and with a trusted enough person to allow my wounds to show themselves, whether I wanted them to or not.

This is a sign of huge progress in your therapeutic alliance

Yes, I think this is what's happening. Trusting her and feeling safe with her is making me lose control of myself because I guess my brain doesn't feel the need to relentlessly self-manage and hide things from her, so things come leaking out. I know this is A Good Thing therapeutically. But it feels pretty shocking!

Thanks @BloomInWinter - I really appreciate your comments and insights.

 

[barefoot]

Ack. Forgetful therapist! Grr..:cool:

I know, right?! ;-)