Feeling Mortified After Yesterday's Session

[barefoot]

. What an incredibly tough session. I

I ended up standing with my nose and the palms of my hands touching the wall, completely dissociated, whole body shaking. No idea how long I stood like it. And then it was like suddenly coming to...and suddenly realising that I was standing in her room, facing the wall and no idea what I was doing that for. A bit like waking up in the middle of the room after a night terror or sleep walking. That whole disorientated, wtf am I doing here?! Awful. I just turned round, told her I was sorry and said "I don't know what I'm doing". And she smiled so kindly and spoke so gently that I nearly burst into tears!
Felt like a total lunatic.
Have wanted to cry pretty much constantly ever since!

 

[Tinyflame]

Yes I can usually hide my breakdowns in public (or a witness) but I think what if not?

Hugs @barefoot . @BloomInWinter is right I think.

 

[barefoot]

Thank you @Junebug

Feel like I'm losing it a bit, so I appreciate your words

 

[BloomInWinter]

I used to be terrified of my symptoms flying the crazy flag out in public. But what dissociation and anxiety looks like to others is very different than what it feels like from the inside. It looks like someone is anxious and perhaps agitated, but it doesn't look as frightening as we fear it is. We may feel like a lunatic but we do not appear to be one. Just a frightened human being deserving help.

There are exceptions, and those are the people who respond with violence. But if we've not responded that way before, it's highly unlikely we'd change personalities and become violent.

I've learned to trust myself that my brain knows to keep it from happening out in public. There are times I can feel the numbing happening and I try to just allow it without judgment, knowing it's helping me get through the moment.

You might try to stop labeling yourself and the experience with such unkind terms. Would you call another one of us a lunatic if that happened to us? Just had to point that out. :)

Feeling like we are losing it is pretty typical for trauma, I think. That doesn't mean we actually are, just that things are shifting around and our brain is trying to put things into a new frame. You're doing a lot better than you give yourself credit for, and I suspect your therapist would say the same thing.

I hope you can get some rest and do some gentle activities that bring you comfort. It's ok to treat ourselves as if we're a hurt child, especially if we didn't get that in real life.

 

[Tinyflame]

Thanks so much @BloomInWinter . :hug:

 

[barefoot]

Would you call another one of us a lunatic if that happened to us?

No, I wouldn't. To be fair, I didn't call myself one either...I said I felt like it. Not trying to be pedantic ;-) But standing pressed against the wall, shaking and unable to speak...well...suddenly realising that's what I was doing and having no sense of what I was doing and why...that did, at the time, feel like I'd lost my mind. I didn't mean any offence by the word, so I'm sorry if I've caused any.

hope you can get some rest and do some gentle activities that bring you comfort. It's ok to treat ourselves as if we're a hurt child

I'm resting in that I'm not working and not really doing anything much. But I can't seem to find anything that makes me feel better.


Just feeling sorry for myself today, I think :-(

 

[BloomInWinter]

No, I wouldn't. To be fair, I didn't call myself one either...I said I felt like it.

Hey, no worries, nothing you wrote was offensive or upsetting in the least. I'm sorry for my bad communication.

I'm glad to read that you're feeling better. There's nothing wrong with feeling sorry for ourselves. It's part of the grieving process for those of us who lost our childhoods, I think. If we never had our pain acknowledged then, we deserve to acknowledge it now, and to receive comfort.

 

[Rosewater]

I'm resting in that I'm not working and not really doing anything much. But I can't seem to find anything that makes me feel better.

Hello @barefoot. I'm im a similar situation at the moment. My therapist suggested adult colouring books to help me to stay present and help fight anxiety and desperation.

After I got over my "One Flew Over The Cuckoo"s Nest" prejudices about it, it's actually been very helpful. It passes the time and helps distract my brain for long periods, without being too demanding. I don't know if it might help in your situation, but the books are only £6 or so and last for ages so maybe it's worth a go. All the big bookshops seem to sell them now.

Hope you find something that works for you.

 

[vivaladawn]

Hello @barefoot. I'm im a similar situation at the moment. My therapist suggested a...

I have one of the adult coloring books. They really are great for distracting your mind for a little while. Play some of your favorite tunes and color a bit, very relaxing.

 

[Cryptantha]

Coloring books are a great way to relieve stress and create a safe moment to recover from any hard things like flashbacks, overthinking, overly strong emotions. I really do recommend them. So many options! No one says you have to stay in lines, or use just crayons or markers or colored pencils. It can be quite fun, and sometimes people making fun are just jealous they didn't think of it first. I often find myself sharing pages!

 

[barefoot]

@BloomInWinter - my therapist tells me a lot that I'm very harsh/unfair on myself and that I need to practise more self-care and self-compassion. So, to be honest, I think I probably was a bit defensive... ;-)

Feel like my brain is much more able to function again today. Still don't feel great emotionally but I feel far less foggy and much more present :-)

 

[barefoot]

@Rosewater @vivaladawn @Cryptantha
I have a really lovely colouring book but haven't ever used it. Perhaps now is the time :-)
Thanks for the reminder.