I wasn't sure if I should post this here or the dysreguation forum. I think this has been building more and more as I resisted caving into the urges to self harm. I've been "surfing the urge" for over a week. Throughout this week I've been all over the place from shutting down to process, to over medicating at night to stop the thoughts/images, to rage I can't release, and suicidal ideation that's getting stronger (no plans or intent, just thoughts and images lingering). Issues surrounding food are increasing as well.
I've noticed that the longer I hold off, distract myself, or whatever, the more the urges build. Sure, I suppose it's progress not acting immediately on impulse. Yes, it's good I'm somewhat starting to feel (even if it's negative emotions). However, part of me wonders how much it's worth it. The thoughts are always there to some intensity until I "take care" of it... release the vaule, so to speak. When the valve gets released after fighting a long time, the intensity of the self harm is bad or a lot.
Throughout this past week of resisting urges, I've been dissociating in various ways such as things getting fuzzy with my hearing, vision, etc. Sometimes I zone out, other times I just go away and then snap to. When I'm in these states I don't usually have fully formed thoughts, nor do I know what I'm feeling or trying to run from. I'm still so disconnected with my emotions.
Today I've just been angry for what I feel is no reason. I'm not angry at anyone, I don't have negative thoughts I can even associate with it. Perhaps what I'm feeling isn't "anger," but since i don't know emotions, i don't know what else to call it.
I tried as long as i could, but I did self harm today at work. What's bothersome is that while it took the edge off enough to feel nothing emotionally, I also didn't really physically feel it. I know that's a form of dissociation for me. I can tell it's increasing as the night goes on. I am shutting down and I can't recognize myself in the mirror. It really creeps me out when this happens. I have no clue what the trigger is/was. If I don't know, how can I stop this/fix it/reverse the dissociation. I've been told I'm "too logical," and they're right. I *need* to figure out the "why."
I'm sitting here and can tell the dissociation is trying to take hold more and I'm fighting hard against it (by writing here). Unfortunately, I just want to self harm again just to bring me back and snap out of it... To feel something. The last time I dissociated really intensely, I self harmed and didn't even know until I "woke up." I had no control, it wasn't me and I was just "gone."
I'm rambling. I don't even know what I'm asking at this point, but thank you for listening. I'll keep trying grounding techniques if I can.
I've noticed that the longer I hold off, distract myself, or whatever, the more the urges build. Sure, I suppose it's progress not acting immediately on impulse. Yes, it's good I'm somewhat starting to feel (even if it's negative emotions). However, part of me wonders how much it's worth it. The thoughts are always there to some intensity until I "take care" of it... release the vaule, so to speak. When the valve gets released after fighting a long time, the intensity of the self harm is bad or a lot.
Throughout this past week of resisting urges, I've been dissociating in various ways such as things getting fuzzy with my hearing, vision, etc. Sometimes I zone out, other times I just go away and then snap to. When I'm in these states I don't usually have fully formed thoughts, nor do I know what I'm feeling or trying to run from. I'm still so disconnected with my emotions.
Today I've just been angry for what I feel is no reason. I'm not angry at anyone, I don't have negative thoughts I can even associate with it. Perhaps what I'm feeling isn't "anger," but since i don't know emotions, i don't know what else to call it.
I tried as long as i could, but I did self harm today at work. What's bothersome is that while it took the edge off enough to feel nothing emotionally, I also didn't really physically feel it. I know that's a form of dissociation for me. I can tell it's increasing as the night goes on. I am shutting down and I can't recognize myself in the mirror. It really creeps me out when this happens. I have no clue what the trigger is/was. If I don't know, how can I stop this/fix it/reverse the dissociation. I've been told I'm "too logical," and they're right. I *need* to figure out the "why."
I'm sitting here and can tell the dissociation is trying to take hold more and I'm fighting hard against it (by writing here). Unfortunately, I just want to self harm again just to bring me back and snap out of it... To feel something. The last time I dissociated really intensely, I self harmed and didn't even know until I "woke up." I had no control, it wasn't me and I was just "gone."
I'm rambling. I don't even know what I'm asking at this point, but thank you for listening. I'll keep trying grounding techniques if I can.
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