Feeling Raw

[Chava]

That would be hard, especially when you're struggling. I'm sure it takes a lot of energy. I can be patient, kind, and do most of my work on auto-pilot to a certain extent if I'm not feeling well, but it is harder I know. I'm also sure others in your field also have issues with panic and suicidal thoughts but it's probably harder to talk about (not that I'm close enough with any colleagues in my own field, education, to talk about this stuff either...but one colleague does let me sleep in her basement when I'm having a panic attack...I don't need to explain anything...I just tell her I'd feel safer closer to ER since my pulse gets weird and other things). Sometimes it helps me to simply know I have a plan, if needed...like I can call that colleague/friend and go to her house, I can call my doctor, or I can go to ER if I start feeling worse. Sometimes just having a plan like that helps me feel a tiny bit in control or safe.

So I don't know if that helps you or not...but, ideally without worrying about things too much, maybe gently placing options in your mind. If you don't feel safe, what can you do? Can you meet with new therapist any sooner? Get lunch with someone? Go for a mini walk or find a safe space at lunch? Go to ER if everything feels unsafe or out of control? Check back here and post or read up on what others have done for surviving panic?? Hang in there...

 

[Bookoffee]

Those are really good ideas.

I have been reading a few topics on here and have found some to be helpful. Even responded to a few.

I really don't have a plan when I have a panic attack. I just stay home and my wife usually has to talk me through it. She is at a loss most of the time but I find her to be helpful. I cant call the helplines in the state because they all know me professionally. I haven't tried the Nation help line because I am scared it would just send me back to my state.

When I have a panic attack at work, I tell everyone I have an appointment to go to and leave them high and dry. Lately I have had an appointment almost everyday. They must be getting sick of me by now.

 

[Chava]

If you call national line can you ask to remain anonymous? Or tell someone your concern and asked to not be bumped back to your state? I need to get on the road pretty soon but will be back later I'm sure. Keep posting if needed. People will respond. Lots of new posts this morning, so go ahead and create a new post if you want to know that it will be seen more urgently. Easier said than done, I know, but try not to worry about what your colleagues may or may not be thinking of you. I had a good colleague remind me that my health stuff is none of their business. I had to leave a lot when I felt like I was going to pass out...at the time I didn't know if it was my low weight or what but I was often on brink of blackout. I felt guilty for it, but #1 I just had to take care of myself. Do what you need to do to either hang in there at work for a few more hours or leave if you need to in order to take care of yourself. It's okay. Long-term you are more valuable to your work if you and your life are okay. It sounds like you just need more help finding ground and safety for right now, so whatever helps....

Okay, be back later..

 

[xena21]

I am just a care coordinator. I enjoy my job and love helping others but it does take its toll when I am struggling myself.

Ok so you work for the state? Does that cause more stress for you? I can imagine it must. So you give advice to the state for referrals? Do you think that's wise in your own state of mind if you are already feeling this way?

I'm just saying from my own experience in the state system that I think you should look at the bigger picture. I was put in the state hospital by people that I think were very ill in their own right. I would hate if you looked back in that same vain. I was devastated by being there and will never be the same. I was tortured in that hospital and they are still there. I just want you to look at what you are doing and make sure you are really helping others. The people at state hospital weren't helping anyone. They were hurting everyone that was there.

I'm not saying that is you, because I'm sure it is a different state, but I think if you are not ready to work you should not work with patients because they deserve the utmost care from all providers no matter what anyone says!

 

[Chava]

Did you survive the day? How'd it go? What kinds of fun or calming things are you doing for your tired soul tonight? Hang in there!

 

[Bookoffee]

@Chava I couldn't stay at work. I had a panic attack and went home. I wrote about a few things that were bothering me and I shared them to get other's advice. I found it to be helpful. My wife and I came up with a list of stuff I could do at work to keep myself centered. This morning we ran on the beach with our dog before coming into work.

@xena21 All I really do is read intake assessments and match the client up with the right med provider, therapist, etc...The hospitals call me when clients are ready to be discharged and I make she they have support services and appointments in place. My wife thinks I should move to another department and I have been looking around. I am not sure if I want to leave though, I have been in this department for a long time. Everyone in the state knows me.

 

[Chava]

I saw your other post but it was too far after my sleeping pill to type in a non-disaster way. I did similar things with kids my age...not really normal play. I also molested dolls, the more kid-size the doll, the better. I don't have a clear memory of where I learned that, but for a while it was almost a compulsive interest, somewhere around age 6...so like trying to gain mastery or control. An assault I remember after that (years later), I suspect was just an added trigger to earlier trauma, because I so instantly wanted to kill myself. It was horrendous.

Anyway, I never hurt anyone, talked others into it and they were okay with it...but whereas their version of exploration might have been more simple and innocent I was the one to take it to weird levels. If you were like 13 and forcing a younger child to do things, that might be a different story, even if still likely trauma-related. I don't know exactly how it went down, but it sounded something like what I went through. I did feel really embarrassed about it for a long time...like what's wrong with me? But it all just stopped within a couple years.

Okay, sorry this is out of context, I'm too sleepy and disorganized to look for your other post but I hope you are doing okay today.

I love that you ran on the beach with your dog...what a beautiful way to start the day!

 

[Bookoffee]

Thank you for sharing your story. It sounds like the same thing I went through. I really thought I was alone and this site has helped me relax a bit to know there are others I can talk with that have gone through the same thing. My wife found this page for me. I can not express enough how thankful I am.