Feeling really suicidal and just loss of hope

[Pauline]

Hi guys I feel like nothing will get better for me.

I had not the best appointment with my psychiatrist yesterday and it wasn't the answer I was looking for. I think he knows some sexual abuse might have happened to me but he is not saying it. He mentioned how my childlike voice was due to my heart condition disability and early life trauma lack of development, but then at the end of the session he said that it wasn't all just about my heart problem and that other stuff was combined with it. He also mentioned that my self harm was in combination a good thing as it was keeping me alive instead of doing something worse.

After my session I just felt so hopeless. I feel so at a loss with my recovery I don't know how much more he can help me. I'm at such a loss the only thing keeping me going is knowing that death couldn't come sooner enough. I don't know my head just goes to really dark spaces. He also said that maybe I should make up stories about my dad and I didn't know how to take that. To be honest I don't think I will ever heal and things won't ever improve even on my outside life. I'm just really lonely I don't know how it got to be this bad for me and so confused there is just no relieve to this pain. I hate it so much it is just on going.

I am also getting really bad nightmares which I was too afraid to mention to him because they are awakward I woke up crying and feeling very trapped in a situation I couldn't come out of. I don't know death just feels like a relieve to me right now because this is just too consistent

 

[somerandomguy]

Do not commit suicide: try this instead

Please read that article. Please don't kill yourself. Lots of people have felt as bad as you do now, and have gone on to have wonderful lives. You will too. I promise.

 

[ladee]

Unfortunetly, the thoughts and feelings you are having are very true for many of us in certain parts of recovery. I have felt hopeless and wanted relief. It was hard for me to understand that sometimes those feelings were telling me that I was so strong, so capable, and was worth the healing work I had to do.

It told me I had the courage I had never understood. Because there is no way to take my own life that it wouldn't call for courage. When I started to see it that way, I realized I could take that same 'courage' and use it to work thru all those times I was in so much pain I couldn't breathe.

And I simply could not cause others that kind of pain. If I felt hopeless and powerless, how could I leave others behind to deal with those same feelings with no answers. At least, somewhere along the path of healing, I was going to get answers. I would find my truth.

This is very very hard work you are doing right now. And many times I have left a T's office feeling just like you are today. But I decided, even if I couldn't respond at the time or ask questions, I could write those things down and ask my T about them the next time. To get answers to things that confused me.

I didn't have the ability to take in everything that was said during my sessions. And left feeling very upset and confused. But most T's will take the time to help us understand. And to validate our confusion.

There are things for you to take pride in here. You are in therapy. You did share how you are feeling today. THOSE two things take a lot of courage!!!

I hope this last part makes sense to you. Feelings are brought on by thinking. That is a lot of what our healing is about. Changing the way we THINK about things. And yes, you are in a lot of pain today. I understand. I am there many times myself.

And I know how it feels. But I used the resources around me, to help me 're-think' my choices. There are many of us here who never ever imagined we would be where we are today.

Sending you hugs of understanding if you accept. You can hang in here for a little while longer and have your T help you to understand your feelings. You won't always feel like you do today.

 

[clayjars]

I'm so sorry to hear how much you are hurting. I'm proud of you though, that you have taken the initiative to get the help you need. It's not easy to keep waiting but please don't give up now. It seems hopeless, but it is darkest before dawn. The sun will rise again. This night feels longer than others but we are here with you. Together, we will wait for the sun to arise. You are not alone. The psychiatrist is only human, so don't think that he or she has all the answers. They don't know what you've been through unless you unburden your heart. I know it's not easy to tell all your story. It's quite scary. But please try. I think getting your thoughts and struggles out there is therapeutic in itself. If you feel the sessions are not helping you, perhaps you can see out a different therapist. Here's a link that I thought was pretty informative Understanding Self-Harm and Cutting

I pray that you will realize how strong and beautiful you are, how creative and intelligent you are. But most of all, I pray you will realize just how much you are loved.

Hugs~