Feeling safe causing triggering?

[Saint Nik]

:eek: YES!!!!!! I relate and amen to that!!! My T always said to me " Learn to relax!!" and I wanted to hit her and many people that said this to me, little did they know it was when I relaxed the PTSD symptoms hits me at their worst!!!!!!!!! :wideeyed:

 

[Pilgrim]

You know, this could explain why I had SUCH a terrible reaction to a class I was trying to go to, on creating safety in your life. I was about having a full blown panic attack, in the one mtg I went to, and continued panicking, until I dropped out of the class. :( . It makes a lot more sense, now. Can't believe I didn't catch that, earlier in this thread. It only makes a ton of sense, now..

 

[illusionist]

I get exactly what you are saying Shimmerz...totally. I've found the longer the safety and security carries on....the easier it becomes...it becomes your norm....though doesn't take a lot to jolt you again.....That's another learning process, to trust that it can become an on going part of your life.

 

[Lissar]

I relate so much to this thread, and have many thoughts that I'll try to summarize.

The first house I lived in after coming out of my abusive home (then 3 years in university dorms, then the house I'm talking about) was with roommates who were my best friends, who were totally "safe", and who I knew still loved me through awful behaviours (drinking, self harm totally "for attention", panic attacks, clingy-ness). In that house, where I finally felt SAFE, was when C-PTSD symptoms really attacked. I think my body knew that it could start releasing some of what was trapped in it, and that someone would "catch" me and keep me safe. It was horrible, and it was healing.

That was 10 years ago now, and the last of those girls I lived with then just got married and so we now no longer live together after 10 years. Shortly before she married, I was r*ped, and now the C-PTSD and brand new PTSD are in full swing and worse than ever, and I don't have a "home base" anymore. I have a place to live, but basically I move around from place to place because nowhere feels like home, and I just feel hypervigilant all the time. Now I'm struggling to feel safe anywhere. Like someone said... I have two speeds: frenetic and crash-and-burn.

I feel safe in the presence of any of my therapists (two psychologists, and a rec therapist), but those are the times I'm most likely to dissociate/flashback/cry. The crying is needed, but I just CAN'T make anywhere feel safe enough for me to be able to do that on my own.The problem is that I'm burning out because except for a couple hours a week, I'm just on guard, and my body isn't getting the rest it needs. I wish I could see a therapist for long enough that we could go through the meltdown phase, and then I could just like sleep with them close by to actually REST.

I don't know how to make a space feel safe enough that I can just rest, and I'm SCARED of feeling safe on my own because of the flashbacks/dissociation creeping in and, in someone else's words earlier in this thread, "attacking". If anyone has ANY suggestions of things that have worked for them to cope with this, please let me know. Even just more validation that I'm not the only one going through this.

It is NOT my intention to hijack this thread and I hope that's not what this is perceived as, but it's an old thread and I thought I'd just try to get the conversation going again.

 

[Muted]

I hear ya @Lissar , your not alone... I feel so tense most all of the time and in need of a serious meltdown.