To Feel Safe Again - Discovered (former) church friend has a history of sex crimes & kidnapping

Sideways

Moderator
Prepping for risks is a tricky business with PTSD.

On the one hand, thinking ahead about potential risks, and preparing for them? Is a good thing. Helps keep us safe. So we take reasonable steps. We put on our seatbelt, and have a camera over our front door.

But (and it's a big "but") when you have ptsd on board, there's other factors in play. We have hypervigilence issues (clinical levels - where our being vigilant has reached dysfunctional levels) and we're prone to seeing a threat and losing our shit (our amygdala takes over, we lose the ability to think rationally, and start behaving in irrational ways).

This means that for folks like us? Preparing for risk carries with it additional risk. Risks that we're leaning in to, and provoking, dysfunctional and dysregulated thoughts, behaviours and feelings.

So, what's helpful here? Because not every last step you can do to minimise the perceived risk is necessary helpful.

The risk: there was a dangerous person coming to the house and interacting with your daughter.

Taking steps to reduce that risk? Definitely a good thing. Camera over the door, telling him not to return to your property, and letting the police know about the issue.

Probably the single most effective safety precautions beyond refusing further contact with him? Would be a short conversation with your daughter. Nothing alarming, simply "This guy is potentially dangerous, if he ever tries to contact you, do you think you can tell me as soon as possible." Because, let's face it, the risk we're preparing for? Is that he's going to try contacting your daughter when you're not around to keep her safe.

Done!

The more you report what you have, infraction or not, the squeakier your wheel and the more likely they will take preventive measures.
Stuff like this? Would (IME) be counter productive.

For context: I lived in an apartment complex full of guys fresh out of prison. The guy upstairs was on parole for armed robbery. The guy downstairs was on parole for child sex abuse convictions. And it went on and on. Not a comfortable situation. So yeah, I took steps to protect my safety above what I'd ordinarily do, because I knew of the heightened risk of the people around me.

On occasions, I had to let the police know "this happened...".

One thing that would definitely, hands down, no question, be counter productive? Would be bombarding the police with surveillance of a person who hasn't actually committed any offence against you. That's about the quickest to convince the police that you're the crazy person in this situation, and worse, to ignore you if and when you actually have something of substance to report.

Someone who is long past their parole period and has done nothing beyond being creepy? Is of zero interest to the police. Moreover, if you send them surveillance notes of no one committing any crime? They build up a evidence trove of your irrational (and borderline stalking) behaviour. Which will work against you, rather than in your favour.

Even worse? There's the risks to you personally of engaging in "safety behaviours" which don't actually make you any safer. We know that this feeds paranoia, anxiety-driven states like OCD, along with generalised anxiety. Short version: those safety behaviours actually make us sick (shit!!).

I think you've done an excellent job of getting yourself through that initial panic (that's no easy feat), using your support network, communicating with the relevant people, and taking useful, meaningful steps to keep you and your family safe.

At this point? You're allowed to go back to your normal life feeling safe. That's what we do all this recovery work for. And you've well and truly earned it:)
 

MnM

Confident
One thing that would definitely, hands down, no question, be counter productive? Would be bombarding the police with surveillance of a person who hasn't actually committed any offence against you. That's about the quickest to convince the police that you're the crazy person in this situation, and worse, to ignore you if and when you actually have something of substance to report.

Someone who is long past their parole period and has done nothing beyond being creepy? Is of zero interest to the police. Moreover, if you send them surveillance notes of no one committing any crime? They build up a evidence trove of your irrational (and borderline stalking) behaviour. Which will work against you, rather than in your favour.

Even worse? There's the risks to you personally of engaging in "safety behaviours" which don't actually make you any safer. We know that this feeds paranoia, anxiety-driven states like OCD, along with generalised anxiety. Short version: those safety behaviours actually make us sick (shit!!).

I think you've done an excellent job of getting yourself through that initial panic (that's no easy feat), using your support network, communicating with the relevant people, and taking useful, meaningful steps to keep you and your family safe.

At this point? You're allowed to go back to your normal life feeling safe. That's what we do all this recovery work for. And you've well and truly earned it:)
Maybe it's different where you live, but in one specific experience with the police for something like this, I faxed or emailed reports weekly and the police said they'd been waiting years to get the person and had even set up stings from neighbours' properties but couldn't get proper visuals or identification markers. They used my reports to make multiple arrests across the country (affiliations etc). In other experiences I've had (including the one I am in now and previous with friends), the police have told me to do what I've recommended. So maybe OP is better off asking the police what they need or would need and take that route. Don't throw my response in the garbage just cuz your experience was different.
 
Terrible! I don't like to speak ill of people, but I must tell you that your husband is an extremely irresponsible father with no concern for his daughter's safety.
We had a family whose kid was stolen and held in an unknown place for several days. The kid there was constantly crying, being beaten on his hands and feet, but not raped. The parents paid the kidnapper, and he was released, thanks to Lord.
 

Dergrosse

Confident
Hey @thornylennert welcome to the site. You seem really focused on this thread, there are plenty more to be found. Not sure why you're here, but I sincerely hope you're able to find what you're looking for.

I noticed you said
Terrible! I don't like to speak ill of people, but I must tell you that your husband is an extremely irresponsible father with no concern for his daughter's safety.

You start with not wanting to speak ill then went on to speak ill. You literally have 2 comments, niether provides support or asks a question. At this point 50% of your posts are geared towards putting people down with no attempt to provide suggestions or information that could prove helpful.

I'm guessing you never really read through the situation, if you had, you would've seen the OP had already stated.

However, my husband did step up and take the lead in trying to find solutions for us, which was HUGE for him and me both - I'm normally the "fixer" and he just "goes with the flow". It actually brought us closer and helped me feel "safer" to know he would step in front of things so I didn't have to be "elevated" always.

I'm not sure why you think needing a day to get their head together before stepping up is such an irresponsible thing that can be used as evidence of not caring at all.

Now let's take a look at your second comment.

We had a family whose kid was stolen and held in an unknown place for several days. The kid there was constantly crying, being beaten on his hands and feet, but not raped. The parents paid the kidnapper, and he was released, thanks to Lord.

Should I go through this and tell you how despicable you are for allowing it to go on for several days? Should I rip into you for minimizing what was done to a child, do you think the child should be fine because they weren't raped? Should I focus on how the parents paid the kidnapper freed the child and not an act of this lord that you ultimately gave credit to?

No, I shouldn't. So welcome to the site, hope the child fully recovers.
 
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I would not let this man anywhere near my home, kids. The book he left was enough for me to bar him for life. And your daughter is allowed to wear whatever clothes she likes in her own home, and with YOUR approval, not his.

I'd be trying to find a way to remove myself from anything to do with his phone. He can pay his own phone bill like everyone else. I don't trust him, and that's not ptsd talking, it's being rational.

Believe me when I say I'm always prepared to give someone a second chance, but this one doesn't smell right to me. Tell him to go away without getting angry or judgemental.

This is my first post. Hope ok to post here.
 
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