General Feeling So Helpless

[JSTANLEY]

Hello
I know I only became a member yesterday but I am feeling so overwhelmed. I am reading all the blogs and it helps but at he same time I am feeling hopeless. I love my BF so much and I know that I do, we have two small children together and it is scaring me so badly that he is going to walk away and I am here to pick up the pieces, in the last week he has gone from saying love you and kisses and normal things to shuttig me completely off. He is telling me that he doesnt love me, he never has, that I am his best friend in the whole entire world and that he is just not sure that he loves me the right way. He tells me I am beautiful and amazing, and all the things anyone would want but he still maintains that he just doesnt think he loves me.
It is hurting so bad, as he is flip flopping back and forth, I am letting him have his space to figure out what is best for him. Two days ago he came home so loving and compassionate and just explained everything he is feeling, telling me that he does want to work things out, but just to give him time to sort through his head, I am trying so hard to respect that and I am doing a great job but he is the one continuing to keep me close and then in a split second turn ice cold. He says I stress him out and he hates coming home cause I am here, and then in the next breath he tells me that this is his safe haven.......About a month ago we were house hunting for our "dream home" and I found a house I absolutely was crazy in love wth, but didnt make any decisions on it, well he told me two days ago that he was leaving me may 1, and he was hoping to buy the house that we had looked at, this hurts so much, the house is huge and dreamy and i dont understand what one person needs such a large house for?
HE keeps giving me examples of people who seperate for a short period and end up back to gether and telling me that it could happen to us, he says he is not breaking up with me and then a day later he says we are not together....I have a great support team of friends and family helping me through this but I am hurting so much, my heart aches.
I see how he is able to love our children so unconditionally but a part of me is jealous and that I know is so wrong.
I am finding it super hard to get out of bed each day and carry on I am doing for my kids, and i do make it but I am so scared.
Our relationship did not start on a strong foot, when I became pregnant with our first son, he wanted nothing to do with us, and late in my pregnancy ended up coming around and has been a great dad since. He was unfaithful two years into our relationship and he is feeling so guilty about it now, he is appologizing and appologizing over and over again and telling me he wishes he could change it. This is the first tiem he has ever felt guilt or remorse. He keeps telling me that he is being honest to himself, no lies no nothing, and I know that is great but I am so sad so hurt. I just want everything to be ok, and I know he does love me I know it....he has just had a bad road and never really learned how to do it properly. I dont want to leave, but I know he needs to to start the road to recovery. The problem is he is so back and forth and asking me if he should and what I want and think, and is he doing the right thing, he wants my approval, and I am confused cause if you are so sure he want to leave why are you turning to the person you supposedly dont love for reassurance. He told me he needed space and foudn a place to stay, he left for all of 4 hours and came home at midnight. I am so confused......

 

[JSTANLEY]

any comments on my above novel would be more than welcome, i thought it was suppose to get easier but i find it keeps getting harder and harder

 

[her_indoors43]

Hi.... welcome to the forum.....I cant type well ..so I dont comment anymore.....your worth saying hello to and getting a infracture for my typing..

 

[Frankie]

Hi jstanley,

Welcome to the forum, you will find so much information and support here.

I read your post and I understand and feel your frustrations, your pain, your confusion, I have been there too. I came on this forum in 2007 at a very good time in my life, I had met a wonderful man who has PTSD, I wanted to learn more about this disorder, how better help him, and I did...for 2 years we were very happy. I rarely saw his PTSD, he was controlling it very well. He went to his therapist weekly and he was on medication.

Is your husband seeing a professional ? Is he on medication ? That would help him tremendously. But no matter what, it is a ongoing work in progress for them...They have to want to be better and commit to getting there.

I find your story a bit like mine in that there was a yo-yo effect of "I love you" and then he dissappeared. I have written so many posts here about our story, I won't go into so many details. But for 2 years it was special, we had a great relationship...then something happened that triggered him badly....and the yo-yo effect began. For 16 months he would contact me every 2 months or so and then dissappear without a trace...till the next time. I had to break that pattern in November of 2009, because it was hurting me way too much and I did deserve to be happy. I didn't recognize the man he has become.

It hurt like hell to let him go, and I still have moments where it still hurts me but I realize that it takes 2 to make a relationship work and he was a changed man. When he left, he had stopped seeing his therapist, stopped taking his medication, things he should be doing again but as I said he is a changed man.

Yes, PTSD can change a person....confusion, stress, anxiety, even good stress can be a factor, so you will have to learn as much as you can, be supportive but don't push him.

Your relationship can be saved...it does happen...but also be prepared that it wil not. There is so much you should tolerate, only you know what your limit is.

If ever you need to vent I can listen :smile:

Frankie

 

[JSTANLEY]

THanks for the posts!
Her_indoors43 - to answer your questions yes he is seeing a counsellor as well as taking some medications, he asked me to go with him this week to see his counsellore
your sure right that it is tough here, I am on such a emotional roller coaster, but I know I can handle it, part of me worries that I willl let my kids down and it wont work out but my gut tells me that it isnt going to happen, he is back and forth about moving out, he doesnt know what he wants clearly so I am doing my best to support him in hte decisions he makes, but I have no problem pointing out when I think he is making a mistake, I love him so much I just cant imagine not supporting him, cause if nothing works out between us, I know that I was the best friend anyone could be at this time of misfortune....thanks so much

 

[Farine]

Hello Jstanley,

I did your posts and I have gone back and forth. Part of the the thing struck me about reading the posts was the in and out process that has been documented here. It put some edges to my experiences. I too have a strong support system. I could not have done what I've had to do without it. I hope that you will continue to post even if you get a spelling or other remark. It's important and you matter! I'm sending you some good energy today.

For me, I rephrase almost everything he says to me. There is usually a translational shift in what he's thinking and reality. It's a subtle thing, but well worth searching out. For example, the "Why are you spamming me?" I translate to "I'm feeling stressed out and I really need about 3-4 hours of space, ok? Love you!" I have been reading the stickies on the carer's section. I'm moving towards defining how my enabling is going to be more healthy. He has to be more healthy!

I'll end this post for now, but I'll come back very soon. I work from home so I check the forum about 2-3 times a day. Hang in there!

 

[JSTANLEY]

Thanks to everyone for their replies. I look forward to reading these each day and for some insight in what lies in the road ahead. I love how everyone has a story and is so willing to help. My guy has been having some definite roller coasters over the weekend, but I am keeping in mind that it is a family weekend for the most part and neither his father or mother are here to celebrate with him.
I think that his father is the problem he has developed PTSD, when he was just 7 his father lit their barn on fire and the backdraft came back and lit the dad on fire, burning him very badly, my spouse and his sister watched in horror at the very young age of 7, and that was the last time they ever saw him, he went to the hospital and 2 days later passed away due to his injuries. Their father was a alcoholic and an abusive one at that, the children I don't think were ever abused but witnessed quite often their mother being abused and they were quite afraid of their dad. My spouse once told me a story of being with his father and his dad going into the local drinking hole and the kids had to stay in the car or else he would get angry while their dad went in and drank, he was gone for hours, my spouse had to go to the washroom but was too afraid to go in so he peed his pants, which in turn he also ended up getting in trouble for. That is only one of his experiences but my goodness it breaks my heart to know that anyone had to deal with this, never mind at such a young age.
Now as for his mother, she remarried another alcoholic abuser who this time mistreated the children. Approximately 4 months ago, my spouse and his mother came to blows and ended up not speaking and have only recently started speaking again but they are both so alike that they keep butting heads. So my opinion is why I think some of the things are happening that are. Thanks for listening, sometimes it makes me feel better, atleast temporarily to talk about it.....