Feeling Suicidal When Triggered?

[LadyUndomiel]

Does this happen to anyone else? A few months ago a friend sort of picked a fight with me and I think a part of me still hates him for it. He was swearing at me and more angry than I'd ever seen him. I was triggered because of the emotional abuse I suffered years ago where I was yelled at all the time at home. I wanted to kill myself just to escape it. So when this more recent event happened I had the fairly brief thought that my friend would deserve it if I killed myself. I wasn't going to go out and actually do it but still. He hurt me and I wanted to hurt him. I told him I started having nightmares about him and I was scared to death. He eventually apologized and told me he didn't mean it personally but I didn't believe him because I can't see how else he could have meant it. He hasn't been at all rude or mean or anything now, probably a lot more distant than I would like but it's still an improvement. But I'm not sure how I can trust him again...

 

[darwin]

Does this friend understand how triggers work with ptsd? If this is prone to happen again I would avoid this person if at all possible.

I was never suicidal for the longest time, but more recently it has been coming up. I think for me it's just a matter of attrition. The longer this stuff goes on the less willing I am to keep up the fight.

I am pretty sure it's a common symptom of ptsd. So I just keep in mind that it's a symptom. I do my best to keep that in mind when it's happening.

 

[LadyUndomiel]

I don't know how much he knows about PTSD itself but I did tell him I have it once it came up. He's heard about the issues that caused it before. I told him I ordered a book about it to help and he thought that was a good idea. This incident forced me to realize that I needed to do SOMETHING. Sadly too late I realized I should have TOLD him right away that I was uncomfortable and he needed to calm down. Even if that didn't work I could have always hung up on him. So I feel really stupid for not doing that but at least I know better now. I told him my epiphany and he said something about having one of my friends "translate" what he was trying to say. I think that would just make more drama though. He did say he doesn't want to see me beat myself up over it so I guess that's a good thing. But I definitely won't let him do it again. It's good to hear that those feelings are only symptoms. I figured as much, it's just that it's so painful.

 

[The Albatross]

I relate and get random suicidal thoughts at times from events/confrontations/situations that are just "too much". Basically in my head I just want it to stop. I want it all to stop. Had it happen this week. It is rare for me now but still can and does occur.

 

[LadyUndomiel]

I think it happened in April and I'm still not over it. I just want the pain to go away.

 

[WillyKat]

Used to happen to me all the time. Not so much anymore. But when it happened, there seemed to be a pattern: get completely revved up and angry at whatever triggered me, followed by suicidal ideation.

I've wondered if the suicidal ideation is the inevitable result of the body running out of anger juice. See what I mean, there's only so much adrenaline and whatever other chemicals are involved in being in full dissociative anger, then the body crashes cuz there ain't none left, then you have to hit bottom again before you come back to plain old everyday crappiness.

 

[LadyUndomiel]

That makes sense. My PTSD didn't set in until years after the events. I blocked out the memories of it because it was too painful. But that must not actually resolve it because I started having nightmares and stuff. Like my subconscious couldn't take it or see the point anymore.

 

[Chava]

Yes, mainly I had suicide thoughts and attempts in relation to being triggered by sex, another assault, or emotions I still can't put neatly into words. At the time I just couldn't manage how I was feeling and hated myself beyond words too.

You talk about ideas of escape and also the thought of killing yourself to hurt him. These are two different trains of thought. But both revolve around wanting some power (like flee or fight back, sort of). Do you have a therapist? That could be very helpful in addressing any self-destructive thoughts or the hard feelings you struggle with...and how to feel more empowered or able to manage those feelings, so your mind doesn't go to ideas of killing yourself.

I still have the more casual thoughts of wanting to die sometimes (like more passively), or a stray vision of setting myself on fire, but they are fleeting and I know I won't act on them (or would reach out for emergency help if needed). They remind me I am feeling somehow trapped or need a way to cope or bring down the intensity of what I am feeling.

 

[LadyUndomiel]

I don't have a therapist currently although I did have one while the abuse was actually happening. Both my parents had died so at the time that was the more pressing issue. Right now I have a mentor through my church, which is a much more casual relationship but it's still something. I actually feel pretty strong in all the other areas of my life, at least compared to how I used to be. The biggest issue at the moment is my relationship with my friend. I think I need to learn how to stand up for myself, and not out of a desire of revenge but just because I need to take care of myself with my feelings and needs.

 

[Chava]

Yes, it's hard but you can defend yourself with words or walk away if needed. But hopefully he won't be so hurtful again.

 

[LadyUndomiel]

He does say he's not going to but it can be hard to believe him sometimes. He's told me before that I'm too sensitive but I think he has a better understanding of why now. That's progress.