Unsupportive spouse when triggered

[CaroDiana]

I have a spouse that isn't able to be supportive when I am triggered. I have done quite a bit of therapy, and usually have a relatively good handle on my trauma symptoms, but sometimes I get triggered in unpredictable ways that surprise me. Like today. When I shared with my wife that I had been triggered, and the cause of the trigger, at first she gave a very minimal reaction. "Ok." I asked for some emotional support. None followed. She lied to our houseguest in order to get the item out of the house that triggered me (I didn't ask for this, and I'm not pleased about the lying, but appreciate that the trigger source is gone). A couple hours later, I'm still dealing with the emotional effects of the trigger, so I'm quiet, shut down. She has forgotten about the trigger. I remind her I was triggered earlier today and am struggling, and could use emotional support. Instead of offering support she attempts to pick a fight with me. Saying that she's done everything she can for me. She can't live like this. That she keeps asking what she can "do". I calmly repeat, I just need emotional support, and said like what she offered our daughter - who is 15 months old. Our daughter had a meltdown at dinner, and my wife took her into the other room to talk to her and calm her down privately. I then got yelled at that she is a child. I was also told she doesn't want to sleep near me tonight. Or be married to me anymore. I told her (not calmly at this point) that none of this is emotional support. And I left the house.

I need an external perspective on this. My need for emotional support is not being met. And I feel like she is making this about her and that her behavior is emotionally abusive. What do other people see?

 

[Tinyflame]

Hi @CaroDiana . What would emotional support look like for you? What actions might it include, or exclude?

 

[Movingforward10]

I'm sorry. That sounds very hard.

I agree with @Tinyflame 's question. What does emotional support look like to you?

I wonder if she feels she is giving emotional support. She was active and got the item removed from the house. That shows she cared enough to want to remove a trigger for you. It tells me she doesn't want you traumatised. I get that it might not help because triggers are going to happen and it's the support with the emotions that is needed, but it shows she's trying.
And I can understand if she is confused about what you need when triggered if you are saying you need the same as your child.

I wonder if talking about what you need is best done when you aren't triggered

Sometimes I think we don't realise the impact we have on the other person when we are triggered. Being triggered means we're totally overwhelmed with our thing and we can't comprehend thebothe person. And they are going through things too. In some ways, we shut them out, don't appreciate that they can't connect emotionally with us in that moment because we're focused on ourselves. So, it might help to learn from her how you being triggered impacts her. So you can learn what she needs from you in those moments.

And then, once you hear from each other, you can start to compromise and help each other.

 

[arfie]

i believe it is best to trust my spouse to support me AS A SPOUSE while i carry my mental health needs to my therapy support network. i rather hope my rock of ages never has the personal insight to understand what i am going through, nor the objectivity to remain calm while i am going through psychic hell. he helps me best by providing the loving thread of consistency so absent in my broken psyche.

but that is me and every case is unique. exponentially so for marriage.

steadying support while you find what is right for your own marriage.

 

[CaroDiana]

Hi @CaroDiana . What would emotional support look like for you? What actions might it include, or exclude?

To me, emotional support is making a brief space of time to privately ask what happened, if there are any memories I want to share, how I am feeling, to validate those feelings, and offer comfort - like a hug. And then a check in once or twice later in the day... just a simple "how are you feeling?" with a validation of whatever the answer is. It excludes needing to "do" anything about the trigger, unless I specifically ask.

Is this a realistic expectation from a partner?

 

[Movingforward10]

To me, emotional support is making a brief space of time to privately ask what happened, if there are any memories I want to share, how I am feeling, to validate those feelings, and offer comfort - like a hug. And then a check in once or twice later in the day... just a simple "how are you feeling?" with a validation of whatever the answer is. It excludes needing to "do" anything about the trigger, unless I specifically ask.

Is this a realistic expectation from a partner?

I would say yes and no.

If your partner has all the time that day, then no, that might come naturally.

But also, there might be a lot on for your partner. They might be juggling various things that means this level of attentiveness isn't always possible.

Also, partners hearing memories is hard on them. Where do they go with hearing the trauma we have been through?

It's hard to realise that we can overwhelm our partners when we are overwhelmed.

It sounds like you need to hear from her why she isn't able to do what you set out above. And you need to be clear with her what you need. And then find a compromise.

 

[Friday]

I need an external perspective on this. My need for emotional support is not being met. And I feel like she is making this about her and that her behavior is emotionally abusive. What do other people see?

I’m seeing someone who is telling you that they are at their absolute LIMIT, who has already dealt with one toddler throwing a tantrum that day, being completely disregarded & disrespected by their spouse… whose only concern is themselves.

You spouse is at their breaking point.

She’s telling you she’s at her breaking point.

And you’re so wrapped up in yourself, your past, your wanting someone else to make you feel better… that you’re making that about you, & seeing her as being emotionally abusive??? Because she not only will not / cannot do what you want, when you want it, how you want it… but is telling you she. is. breaking. And you’re mad at her???

Some part of you has to be screaming that this is wrong/backwards/not right or you wouldn’t be looking for outside perspectives.

 

[CaroDiana]

I’m seeing someone who is telling you that they are at their absolute LIMIT, who has already dealt with one toddler throwing a tantrum that day, being completely disregarded & disrespected by their spouse… whose only concern is themselves.

You spouse is at their breaking point.

She’s telling you she’s at her breaking point.

And you’re so wrapped up in yourself, your past, your wanting someone else to make you feel better… that you’re making that about you, & seeing her as being emotionally abusive??? Because she not only will not / cannot do what you want, when you want it, how you want it… but is telling you she. is. breaking. And you’re mad at her???

Some part of you has to be screaming that this is wrong/backwards/not right or you wouldn’t be looking for outside perspectives.

For clarification, I was the one who dealt with the toddler having a tantrum and it was many hours after my trigger. She just took the toddler away to comfort her while I finished feeding our other children.

How does a spouse asking for emotional support during a (rare) trigger put someone over the edge and have them hit their breaking point?

I see your point about me being wrapped up in myself. I was triggered. That's what happens when someone gets triggered. They leave the present moment in a painful and real way. I still made my wife dinner and her houseguest, feed my children, played with them. All I asked for was a little emotional support for me from the other adult in the house.

The part of me that is screaming that this is backwards is the part that feels emotionally neglected and abused by my wife. I was the one disregarded and disrespected by my spouse.

I'm not sure what you are getting out of attacking me. I thought this was meant to be a supportive space.

 

[Friday]

I'm not sure what you are getting out of attacking me. I thought this was meant to be a supportive space.

I wasn’t attacking you.

You asked what people saw, and that’s what I saw. That you’re asking too much of your wife, and are lashing out at her rather than seeing her & hearing her.

Support doesn’t mean agreeing blindly with whomever is in front of you. If a friend IRL came to me with the same story? I’d say the same thing. That they’re f*cking up, and gonna lose their wife/marriage if they keep on like this.

 

[CaroDiana]

I do genuinely appreciate your perspective. It is giving me some insight in my wife.

Do you really think that a spouse asking for emotional support when triggered is asking "too much"? And if it's not something they can provide, is it ok to scream that they don't want to be near you, or that they want a divorce or to yell that they've hit their limit. It seems like a healthy alternative would be to say "I don't have the bandwidth to offer you emotional support right now, I'm sorry".

I'm not worried about losing the marriage. I don't think it's a healthy one. I've had a therapist tell me it's not healthy. My wife has been diagnosed as having a version of narcissistic personality disorder. I don't have much hope that it can become healthy. I've been sticking it out for quite some time for the sake of the kids.

The external perspective I need is from others that have the complication of having PTSD in an unsupportive marriage.

 

[Friday]

Do you really think that a spouse asking for emotional support when triggered is asking "too much"?

In general? No.
Sometimes? (Depending on the person, place, situation at hand). Can go either way.
When someone is telling you it is? Yes.
When someone breaks down and starts screaming that it’s too much? Clearly.
When someone goes so far as to start talking divorce? Definitely.

Can all 5 of those responses be from the same person, on the same day? Yep.
Or be from the same person on different days, depending on what else has been going on? Yep.

It’s not a black and white “always okay or never okay”.

It seems like a healthy alternative would be to say "I don't have the bandwidth to offer you emotional support right now, I'm sorry".

Healthy alternatives don’t exist once people have already hit their limit. You deal with triggers & stressors, so I would think that would be understood. A healthy alternative to being triggered would be to calmly recognise that this is… nope. Doesn’t happen. There are healthier ways to manage a trigger once one has been triggered, but by definition? It’s already happened. Someone screaming at you that they’re at their limit? Means 1:2 things… they’re actually already past it, and in full meltdown (were YOU emotionally supportive to her during that crisis? You may have been. It’s an honest question)… or they’re fighting like hell not to break, as they can feel themselves breaking, so sparks are flying as they fight for self control.

I'm not worried about losing the marriage. I don't think it's a healthy one. I've had a therapist tell me it's not healthy. My wife has been diagnosed as having a version of narcissistic personality disorder. I don't have much hope that it can become healthy. I've been sticking it out for quite some time for the sake of the kids.

Your descriptions of your wife are giving me whiplash.

Why on EARTH would you seek emotional support from a woman with NPD that you’d rather be divorced from???

Are you trying to get her to treat you like a child in her care because you no longer SEE her as a wife/partner? Or is that reversed, and because you’re looking for mothering, you don’t see her as a wife/partner?



((On the whiplash issue: Whilst treating children like adults WOULD be abusive & neglectful & narcissistic, are you seeing those things because that’s actually how she is, or because you’re seeing yourself like a child, and hullo whomping transference issues?))

 

[Movingforward10]

I wonder if you want people to agree with your perspective?
Because you got a few people here, all saying the same thing (different words, different ways but essentially, with the information you have given: you potentially are being unreasonable).

Which we all do.
I have felt unsupportive by my partner at times. Just because I felt it, doesn't mean I was. She has told me that she got overwhelmed with the "barrage" of things I would tell her, or the timing, or this or that. All of that hurt intensely, but I had to take a step out of my shoes (impossible to do in a triggered state) and see it from her perspective.
Compromise.

If you want her to behave a way. And she won't. You either end it. Or you compromise. If you want to behave the same and want her to change only and you don't: that is unreasonable.