Unsupportive spouse when triggered

[Sideways]

It’s okay to have needs in a relationship. If you need emotional support in a particular way from your partner, that’s totally okay.

Unfortunately, having those needs doesn’t mean your partner is obligated to meet them, and it definitely doesn’t mean your partner has the ability (or even the motivation) to meet your needs.

You are allowed to get those needs met elsewhere (like your therapist, good friends, here, other supports, even from yourself) if you partner can’t or won’t meet those needs for you. It sounds a lot like that’s where your partner is at.

The other thing about emotional support is that it means very different things to very different people. For example, the idea talking to someone about feelings and thoughts and getting validation is a totally valid way to seek emotional support.

But…it ain’t everyone’s bag. Especially when things are stressed. Some people would be much more comfortable providing emotional support in completely different ways: let’s watch a movie together, why don’t you go for a run and I’ll watch the kid, let me give you space and leave you alone for a while, let’s go shoot some clay targets, I’ll wash the dishes and you can go to bed, call your mum…

Repeatedly asking for something that a person can’t or won’t provide (whether that be spite, lack of motivation, personal stress, lack of skill, and on and on) isn’t likely to help the situation!

Thing about relationships? Yes, your needs are valid. But so are your partner’s. And if those are butting up against each other, it may be worth a different approach, or shifting expectations.

 

[CaroDiana]

In general? No.
Sometimes? (Depending on the person, place, situation at hand). Can go either way.
When someone is telling you it is? Yes.
When someone breaks down and starts screaming that it’s too much? Clearly.
When someone goes so far as to start talking divorce? Definitely.

Can all 4 of those responses be from the same person, on the same day? Yep.
Or be from the same person on different days, depending on what else has been going on? Yep.

It’s not a black and white “always okay or never okay”.



Healthy alternatives don’t exist once people have already hit their limit. You deal with triggers & stressors, so I would think that would be understood. A healthy alternative to being triggered would be to calmly recognise that this is… nope. Doesn’t happen. There are healthier ways to manage a trigger once one has been triggered, but by definition? It’s already happened. Someone screaming at you that they’re at their limit? Means 1:2 things… they’re actually already past it, and in full meltdown (were YOU emotionally supportive to her during that crisis? You may have been. It’s an honest question)… or they’re fighting like hell not to break, as they can feel themselves breaking, so sparks are flying as they fight for self control.


Your descriptions of your wife are giving me whiplash.

Why on EARTH would you seek emotional support from a woman with NPD that you’d rather be divorced from???

Are you trying to get her to treat you like a child in her care because you no longer SEE her as a wife/partner? Or is that reversed, and because you’re looking for mothering, you don’t see her as a wife/partner?



((On the whiplash issue: Whilst treating children like adults WOULD be abusive & neglectful & narcissistic, are you seeing those things because that’s actually how she is, or because you’re seeing yourself like a child, and hullo whomping transference issues?))

I'm realizing that the comparison to how she was emotionally supportive to our child was not a helpful comparison. It backfired. With her, and also on this conversation board. I don't want her to treat me like a child, I just noticed in that moment that she was effective in giving someone emotional support. Taking a friend in crisis for a walk, might be another example.

It feels like whiplash to me, too. I am seeking healthy support from the person I am still married to. Full stop. The person who I am married to is someone who has not traditionally given empathic support, and I'm not sure is capable of it (because of her diagnosis). And I want to know if I'm making a healthy request for support. It seems like the general consensus on here is that it might be a healthy need, but given the context it might not be reasonable. And I certainly wasn't able to give a reasonable breakdown of how to offer me support in the heat of the moment, in a triggered state.

I wonder if you want people to agree with your perspective?
Because you got a few people here, all saying the same thing (different words, different ways but essentially, with the information you have given: you potentially are being unreasonable).

Which we all do.
I have felt unsupportive by my partner at times. Just because I felt it, doesn't mean I was. She has told me that she got overwhelmed with the "barrage" of things I would tell her, or the timing, or this or that. All of that hurt intensely, but I had to take a step out of my shoes (impossible to do in a triggered state) and see it from her perspective.
Compromise.

If you want her to behave a way. And she won't. You either end it. Or you compromise. If you want to behave the same and want her to change only and you don't: that is unreasonable.

I don't want folx on here to agree with my perspective. Thank you for summarizing from what others are saying that I was potentially being unreasonable. That helps.

 

[SentimentalRealities]

Wow - This is my first post, new here - However this conversation has been real eye opening for me, as i'm in the same boat, needing emotional support from my wife, but in a lot of ways i'm tooo ashamed to even express it but i need it sooo desperately.. The idea of defining what emotional support looks like is a very powerful idea and first step. As a 61 y.o. man suffering for all my adult life with CPTSD diagnosed 3 years ago and have gone through a few therapist and having read tons of self-help books on CPTSD in hope of healing and trying to help the inner child in me grow up to maturity, hearing him say that he needs the emotional support like she gave their child really hit home because that's what my and his inner child needs, and while ive been tempted to go outside of my marriage seeking it I know that's not the answer. The big question for me now is should i even expect my wife to be able to meet my emotional support needs or am i just fooling myself and ig so what are some concrete alternatives i should consider to that end.. An while the need is very real, how to go about it is so elusive..

 

[Charbella]

Do you really think that a spouse asking for emotional support when triggered is asking "too much"?

Depends on your definition of emotional support. To me, she attempted by removing the trigger and instead of acknowledging that you threw it in her face that she wasn’t giving you what you needed. To me that means YOU haven’t communicated what you need and/or you’re asking too much. She just dealt with the toddler while her friend was over which means she’s probably already in the “my friend is judging my parenting” headspace and now you too are judging. You don’t seem to think there could be any reason why she couldn’t be there for you, are you sure you aren’t also pushing the narcissistic definitions?

How narcissistic could she really be? My family is only some and they couldn’t calmly deal with a toddler tantrum and try to soothe, they wouldn’t have thought to do it.

I think you’ll find here that we push each other to take responsibility for our own emotional needs. That doesn’t mean not getting support it means figuring out who can reasonably give it and looking for it there. You listed a lot of reasons you shouldn’t be expecting it from your wife and yet you ask us to judge if you’re asking too much…from her…yes. Not every spouse is the same and if you visit that side of the forum, you’ll see just how hard it is for supporters to keep hanging in there.

For what it’s worth, if you told me you’d been triggered by something, my response would’ve been the same as your spouses and I would’ve thought that would cure the problem and not understand why hours later you were still bothered by it, even though I too have had the issue.

 

[CaroDiana]

Depends on your definition of emotional support. To me, she attempted by removing the trigger and instead of acknowledging that you threw it in her face that she wasn’t giving you what you needed. To me that means YOU haven’t communicated what you need and/or you’re asking too much. She just dealt with the toddler while her friend was over which means she’s probably already in the “my friend is judging my parenting” headspace and now you too are judging. You don’t seem to think there could be any reason why she couldn’t be there for you, are you sure you aren’t also pushing the narcissistic definitions?

How narcissistic could she really be? My family is only some and they couldn’t calmly deal with a toddler tantrum and try to soothe, they wouldn’t have thought to do it.

I think you’ll find here that we push each other to take responsibility for our own emotional needs. That doesn’t mean not getting support it means figuring out who can reasonably give it and looking for it there. You listed a lot of reasons you shouldn’t be expecting it from your wife and yet you ask us to judge if you’re asking too much…from her…yes. Not every spouse is the same and if you visit that side of the forum, you’ll see just how hard it is for supporters to keep hanging in there.

For what it’s worth, if you told me you’d been triggered by something, my response would’ve been the same as your spouses and I would’ve thought that would cure the problem and not understand why hours later you were still bothered by it, even though I too have had the issue.

The diagnosis is “covert narcissism” and one of its key characteristics is the desire to be everyone’s savior as a form of self-aggrandizement. She fixes! Then she wants to be loved and celebrated for fixing!

The problem arises when her “fix” isn’t what the recipient needs. In this case me. I appreciated her removing the trigger. I didn’t want her to lie to someone on my behalf. I needed emotional tending. When I gave her that feedback, she blew up at me. That’s not judgement, that’s relational feedback.

With the help of everyone on here, I was able to write out a simple guide of what emotional support looks like that I need when triggered. I did give a copy to my wife. She didn’t acknowledge it. I have also adjusted my expectations. If I need emotional support, I need to seek it elsewhere.

 

[bungle2234]

I have a spouse that isn't able to be supportive when I am triggered. I have done quite a bit of therapy, and usually have a relatively good handle on my trauma symptoms, but sometimes I get triggered in unpredictable ways that surprise me. Like today. When I shared with my wife that I had been triggered, and the cause of the trigger, at first she gave a very minimal reaction. "Ok." I asked for some emotional support. None followed. She lied to our houseguest in order to get the item out of the house that triggered me (I didn't ask for this, and I'm not pleased about the lying, but appreciate that the trigger source is gone). A couple hours later, I'm still dealing with the emotional effects of the trigger, so I'm quiet, shut down. She has forgotten about the trigger. I remind her I was triggered earlier today and am struggling, and could use emotional support. Instead of offering support she attempts to pick a fight with me. Saying that she's done everything she can for me. She can't live like this. That she keeps asking what she can "do". I calmly repeat, I just need emotional support, and said like what she offered our daughter - who is 15 months old. Our daughter had a meltdown at dinner, and my wife took her into the other room to talk to her and calm her down privately. I then got yelled at that she is a child. I was also told she doesn't want to sleep near me tonight. Or be married to me anymore. I told her (not calmly at this point) that none of this is emotional support. And I left the house.

I need an external perspective on this. My need for emotional support is not being met. And I feel like she is making this about her and that her behavior is emotionally abusive. What do other people see?

i think your spouse isnt sure how to support you when triggered my wife was the same but i took her to a therapy session she kinda gets it she tries it works dome times and some times it doesnt its a steep learning curve for us both