Feeling Too Self-critical Again And Other Anxiety Stuff...

[J_trustno1]

Hi, I don't know if this is the right place for this thread.
I had a message from a friend on facebook and I replied to him. He was asking about my brother's Europe trip and i told him how my brother doing and some other general jokes we have with my brother. Btw he is both of our mutual friend and we've known him for 2 years (met him at the gym in 2012). However, I feel I revealed too much info about my brother even if it was a joke.

I keep worrying that this info can be used to against me but then again it was a simple joke that friend usually share with me and my brother about him finding a girl. So I told him that lets hope he finds a European girl so that will save us a trip to our home country and some cultural drama. That's all I said but I keep feeling I've told too much. Even when I am talking about my life, I feel I reveal my emotions too quickly or too much info about myself. I am having trouble with my boundaries and I feel that I will not have a successful career if I show my emotions too much or reveal too much info about myself because your competitors feed on your weaknesses and I'm worried about having similar horrifying experiences like last year. I don't want to get into that same hell-hole again.

Next up is increased anxiety in crowds especially when I see too many people of my culture but it is not as bad while I'm in other cultures. So today we went for this Diwali function and the place was packed with people of my culture. As soon as I entered that area, I started getting irritated, I was getting angry with my mother even when she asked something little, it was as if I had lost myself and my rage was building up (this was just in the car park and I felt I was not part of this crowd, I didn't belong there and they are not my people). As soon as I was in the crowd, I felt scared, I felt insignificant, my rage was peaking, I felt humiliated, I felt all these people (1000's of them) were seeing me through my mum's bully narcissistic brothers eyes, I felt unwelcomed and felt I didn't deserve to be there. I was starting to get headaches. I couldn't last that place for more than 5 mins and then I walked out of there as quickly as I can. It was a good 2.5 km walk to the bus stop which I covered in less than 20 mins, and by the time I was out of that crowd, I started feeling at peace.

I really wanted to cry when I reached the bus stop, I was sweating probably from walking that fast but while I was in the crowd I had trouble breathing (I felt suffocated). I really felt damaged because I feel I can never be part of my own culture and will never accept my own people. I feel I will die with all these fears and will never overcome them. I'm not feeling at ease and I am hating to be me again today :(.

 

[SharkyorBones]

:hug: I know these feelings all too well. I also know that these feelings will pass and that theyre not based in fact at all. We are who we are, you are unique and special, kind and wonderful. We can build ourselves up to be stronger, to play our cards a little closer to our chests and learn what is a reasonable amount of trust when expressing our emotions to people. Its not easy I know, when youre feeling such powerful emotions you want to share that with people, turn to them for support but many people dont understand unfortunately and the bad ones use that against us.

We can learn to curb these reactions and reduce the desire to lean on people and express ourselves to those who probably wont understand. Please dont forget we are here on the forum and we do understand, weve been or are going through alot of the same fears and emotions as you are.

You are stong, you have survived and we can live and thrive and overcome our fears in time. You have to be patient with yourself and love yourself as you desire to be loved because you deserve that and self love and support here amd from therapy will get you through this.

Try to remember that our feelings are just that, feelings, theyre powerful and hurtful sometimes but they arent always based in fact and those thoughts that can be overwhelming with negativity about ourselves or others are not always true. Its a belief system. Not fact.

Chin up :hug:

 

[scout86]

My T says that he thinks a good goal is to work at being "more your true self, more of the time." Of course, if you're going to do that, you have to think that being "your true self" is ok. A few weeks ago, he said that it seems like I spend a lot of time trying to figure out what I'm "supposed to" be/do. He said "What if what you're 'supposed' to be is who you actually ARE and what if that's ok?"

So, let me throw that idea at YOU. What if you CAN'T be wrong, just being yourself? I know this is complicated and I don't have it sorted out myself. There is a point where you can throw emotions around with no thought, in what amounts to a PTSD mediated reaction to something. That's probably not the best approach. At least, it's probably an approach that can be improved. But what if it's ok to feel what you feel and it's also ok to let others know that you feel it? What if you don't HAVE to keep this stuff locked inside? I know, I know, it seems like "anything you say can and will be used against you." But, "What if....?"

Your reaction to the crowds makes a lot makes a lot of sense, based on what I've read you saying on here before. You have bad associations with members of the culture you were born into. Your brain is recognizing the presence of those people as a threat and your body was reacting based on that. Not what you want, but that's all it is. Does it help, in those situations, just to recognize that that's what's happening and that's the reason it's happening? I find that it helps me quite a bit. Doesn't magically make everything better, but it helps me defuse the situation and get through it. Over time and with practice it gets easier and easier.

 

[J_trustno1]

@SharkyorBones and @scout86 : Thanks for your wonderful answers. I have been avoiding contact from the world and been in a shell for a while. I feel I don't exist anymore and I am not as important because I am not getting anywhere in life, be it career or mental health, I feel stuck. I really appreciate your support and thanks once again :).

 

[scout86]

Feeling like you're not getting anywhere is hard! Don't give up. You have a lot to offer, really you do.

 

[J_trustno1]

@scout86 : Thanks for your kind words. Somehow I don't believe in it anymore. I have been sitting unemployed for a year despite having applied for 140 jobs till this Friday and holding a masters degree with first class honors. I have been through hell getting that qualification, working everyday of my life while I was in high school and now I have no darn direction. I feel deprived of childhood and the culprits are my mum's asshole narcissistic brother, my moron father and her sister's pedophile husband. I feel nothing good can happen in my life. I feel like giving up now. I've been holding on for too long and getting no where in life. I am supposed to be at the top of my field and I haven't even started. I should've had a normal childhood but it was full of beatings, father trying to kill me, humiliation, be it sexual or emotional or verbal or physical abuse. Why was it me? Why can't those perpetrators suffer? I want my mum's asshole brother to suffer, my father to suffer and the pedophile brother-in-law to suffer but these people are not suffering... Fine, i may sound vein but i HATE them.

 

[scout86]

I know you don't believe it right now, and I'm sad that you don't. (My plan is to keep telling you that long enough that you believe it yourself! :))

My T has said that I can ask HIM "Why?" questions if I have to. (He'd rather I didn't.) But he says he wants me to avoid asking them of myself.His reason is that questions like "Why was it me?" don't have answers. At least not answers the we, mere mortals, have access too. None of us know why. By spending our lives dwelling on those questions, we get stuck there and can't move on to what lies beyond. What lies beyond can be a lot better.

 

[J_trustno1]

@scout86 : thanks for being nice to me. I really appreciate your input to my questions and your kind words mean a lot. I keep fearing that if I don't get the career I want to get in to, my abusers especially my mum's narcissistic brother, my moron father, her sisters and my cousins will laugh at him and will show off their success like they always do to me even if it is just getting a theory learners license. I don't want to be a failure, i want to be at the top of my career field for myself, to be where I want to be and I don't want them getting in my way of success.

 

[scout86]

@J_trustno1 , my T says that everything we do is either based in fear or comes from a base of love. (Anger and fear are related.) Live your life for YOU and do what you love because YOU love it. Find the things that bring you joy and focus on them. Your career and your life will have meaning and "success" is what makes you truly happy. Your abusers don't matter (unless you chose to let them). YOU are what matters!

 

[J_trustno1]

@scout86 : Omg, thanks thank and thanks a million. You have helped me clarify what I really want. All I want is to be successful in my career path and be a top achiever. I really really want to be able to use my scientific knowledge to make the most of life. That is truly who I am and that is what will actually make me happy. Thanks :) :hug:s