Feeling trapped by shame.

[Odi]

I just want to clarify, I was speaking for myself receiving forgiveness, not anyone else. I guess I felt that even if not...

Please don't feel bad for posting , I really don't want you to feel bad about that at all. I am expert at writing things and them coming across how I hadn't intended them...Please don't worry about what you wrote. I actually really appreciate that you replied and offered your insight.
As I said before....I am GLAD that you can still find comfort in your faith, there is nothing wrong with that. I personally am not in a place that I can even start to begin to work out what, if anything, I believe any more...but I if it is something that you believe and find comfort and solace in then there is nothing wrong with that at all. Your faith is your own, and I don't judge you for that at all and appreciate that you shared your own coping strategy. Thank you.
Just because It isn't something I can do doesn't mean that it won't help somebody else reading this thread needing answers.
This is a sharing forum, please don't be afraid or uncomfortable to share.
I would also like to say to you that just because you did this act to appease for an easier life, then no one should judge you for that, including not judging yourself. You did what you felt you had to do for the situation you were in....that is how you got through it, and no one has the right tell you that your coping strategy was wrong.
Yes I was in an extreme situation myself on that night , but I know the need to appease or just try to relax ..to 'let' them do/have what they want because it makes it easier.
At this current time it is this horrible night that is haunting me most and the sensation of that force and intentional distress as a means to control my reaction to the rest of the things happening at the time. I mean...erm....yeah it was for their own sick satisfaction too....but...erm... I am so far off topic right now an am in dangerous territory , so I'm stopping that right there....sorry. What I am trying to say is that I can understand you are coming from.
There is nothing to forgive...you were trying to help me cope by sharing....and you were trying to help yourself cope when you had to "appease".

 

[Enid]

I need to voice something that I can't physically say to anyone. Warning: this may be graphic and I apologise sincerely....

Firstly i have shared here i have a faith and it has sustained me but religion has nothing to do with it. There is nothing dirty about sex and if it makes you feel like you are a whore this is manipulation and control talking and symptoms of abuse. The first thing you need to do is tell yourself it was not your fault and the second that you are not a victim you are a survivor. I to am a survivor and understood that the best revenge is to get better, because deep down there is anger and revenge may be the emotion. Feeling guilty means you feel its your fault. It isn't and it never was. They cannot hurt you anymore unless you allow it . You allow them to continue to hurt you by allowing them to control your head. You can be free of this and eventually you can learn to love and trust again not easy but doable. Yesterday is history tomorrow a mystery all we have is today and today now is a gift and that's why we call it the present. Love conquers all

 

[Hejajad]

I need to voice something that I can't physically say to anyone. Warning: this may be graphic and I apologise sincerely....

Your comments on eating reminds me of a teen alter of the client i supported . She was sixteen and was constantly harming and abusing the host calling her a fat bitch. This stemmed from her time in her teens when she was called fat despite being slim UK size 8. Alter ate very little and constantly went jogging to lose weight. Eventually having ensured she enjoyed those things she was denied as a 16 yr old we firstly had a compromise . I suggested teen use e-cigarettes and limited drinking to pm drink with me who she saw as her big brother. We went jogging together to ensure it wasn't overdone or at weird times of the day and night. I ensured she ate whether as herself or as another alter. Eventually teen alter accepted that she was ok ,happy within herself and eventually she faded and was no more. Strangely i missed this alter as she was fun and full of life and was reliving the life which should have been a happy one. Now she was happy she understanding life was for living and it was good