Sufferer Feeling Trapped

[liquefiedstars]

Hello...

Joined a week or so ago but didn't post. I can't even remember how I found this site. It's been a bad week I ended up in the emergency department after swallowing a bottle of Valium. I had been drinking pretty heavy and had taken Tramadol as well. I usually just put up with feeling anxious and trapped but the booze must have lowered my guard. I have been having these little binge sessions about once a week because it's the only time I feel good. I was assaulted at work and was diagnosed with PTSD and secondary depression. After almost a year we are selling our house because it's got to the point that I can't leave the house incase I run into my attacker or ex-colleagues. There was a lot of bullying. My therapist has said the assault has resurfaced a lot of past trauma as well. Essentially the job I was doing was traumatising me as well and related to past traumas of the same kind. I feel guilty for falling apart, I have not attempted to take my life before because I have a beautiful child that I refuse to traumatise with my death but I feel so bad like I am trapped here and that she is the only reason I am still here. I do have an amazing husband too and I feel pretty bad about us moving away from here but he and the doctors now say it has come to the point that if I am going to move forward I should move (It's a small place). I know it's also bad for my daughter to see me like I am (I sleep a lot and have stopped talking much) and I am now about to be admitted to a psyche unit :( I am going to try and get well for all of us and I will try the therapy but I have major trust issues and have sort of been raised to think Psychiatry is all a load of bullshit.

Anyway that's me right now so hi.

 

[EveHarrington]

Hello, and welcome. :hug:

It sounds like you're going through a lot right now! It also sounds like you're taking positive steps forward in your healing. :)

 

[Ka-9]

Welcome and sincere thanks for sharing your story. I still think many of the psychiatrists out there are bullshitters. But by taking my time, I found a solid gal who I trust and respect implicitly.. so given enough time I'm confident you'll find a great therapist.

 

[liquefiedstars]

Thanks for the welcome, I'm pretty scared at the moment. I never thought I would get so bad that I would agree to going into a psychiatric institute. :(

 

[JoanneP73]

Hello...

Joined a week or so ago but didn't post. I can't even remember how I found this site....

Hi I'm new to this too, I can relate to feeling trapped especially as a mum when you desperately want to be the parent your child needs, but find it so difficult at times. How are you?

 

[Artytree]

Hello...

Joined a week or so ago but didn't post. I can't even remember how I found this site....

Hi, what you have written echos similarities I've had in my life especially with trying to commit suicide, feeling trapped and having to move.
Six years ago I relocated to a completely different county. I had to leave family and friends who I adore behind because I had to save myself, not only for me but for my children.
My oldest two children have grown up knowing I get poorly. I feel guilty about that (and many other things) and the fact they have seen me carted off to hospital numerous times especially the year before we relocated for various attempts to commit suicide and I was a self harmer. I wanted to die so much but I, like you, was so trapped because of my children, they needed me....but I felt I wasn't good enough for them. The doctors were useless, I kept telling them i was suffering with more than just severe depression and anxiety. They didn't listen.
My instincts kicked into action one day and I knew I had to pack up and move.
It was the best thing I ever did. I was diagnosed with Pstd within 6 months of moving. Better treatment started, the understanding myself better started to kick in. I've not attempted suicide and have stopped self harming. I made a conscious decision to not drink alcohol anymore due to the fact it makes me worse once I get passed that initial feeling good.
Don't get me wrong, things aren't perfect and I struggle with various things but I'm thankful my life is calmer, my mind chatter isn't so out of control and I can walk outside without being on high alert and fearful as I am back home. Things are going in the right direction.
When you move, things will get better for you. You're not alone.

 

[liquefiedstars]

Joanne I'm ok I have so much going on. We have a real estate agent coming tonight and I am being admitted tomorrow and I saw my T today who thinks it will be a huge step forward for me. I have older children who were unfortunately exposed to trauma and now I am determined to give my youngest girl a stable home. I can't do that without facing up to my issues and it's terrifying me. I am very mistrusting of people and have not let anyone into my world for a very long time so it will be a challenge.

Artytree I'm glad you had a good experience relocating, I am hoping it will help our situation as well, I am getting sicker and sicker here and I am not a good role model for my daughter. I try and tell myself to just go out and face it but the anxiety is like a huge ball I have swallowed and I retreat again. I am really glad I have found this site, for so many years I have felt very alone in my struggle and as much as I don't want others to suffer knowing my issues and trauma have happened to others makes me think there is hope of overcoming it if they can.

 

[Artytree]

Joanne I'm ok I have so much going on. We have a real estate agent coming tonight and I am being...

Things will improve for you, you're taking all the necessary steps. Wanting a better life for my children was and still is my driving force to keep going. You may not see it right now, but you will start to see how far you've come. You're dealing with a lot so try not to be so hard on yourself. Be kind to yourself. What I mean by that is, if you can only one step out of your door one day and not the next....don't beat yourself up that you didn't manage it that day, focus on the day you did do it. That's just an example.
I find it's automatic for me to focus on the negative things I've done, so Ive realised I have make a conscious effort to try and retrain my brain to focus on the positive things I do, even down to the smallest thing.
It's all a process, a healing process.
When you move, you will be able to breathe again. Good luck with everything. You can do it.