Sexual Assault Feeling Unloved & Unlovable, Unworthy, Hopeless & Like The Loneliest Person On The Plante

[Kristen]

I had made my first post on here several weeks ago ....I initially opened up about the fact that I was sexually abused by my father & my mother knew about it & did nothing to stop it. In addition, I opened up about my recklessness with money, which basically forced me to move back in with the same parents who abused me.

Well, I'm posting this thread because as of lately there are things that have been eating at me. I'm 30 yrs old & have never been in love, You know like in a serious relationship with a guy that I like who really likes me back. I am 30 yrs old & I can honestly say I really don't know what love feels like. When I was younger, I couldn't get a boyfriend to save my life, every guy I liked didn't seem interested in me & the only guys that did approach me were guys that were creeps, bums, abusers, old creeps, scrubs off the street & guys that you basically wouldn't wanna touch with a ten foot pole. I kept thinking to myself "what's wrong with me?" ...I dropped a great deal of weight about two years ago & although I still get approached by creeps & scrubs, I have actually had a few guys that I like approach me, but the relations didn't last long. These guys turn out to be the "chameleon" type, they seem decent & nice on the outside, but they have an agenda, they aren't really interested in you, just getting something from you. I really don't understand this, I know plenty of other women that get to be with the guy they want, THE EXACT GUY THEY WANT. So, what's wrong with me that I don't get to have this? ....I mean most women know what it's like to have at least one or two serious relationships with guys they like, but I don't. I'm 30 yrs old & have only been in one "relationship" that only lasted five months, because he was just chasing me around for sex & once he got it, he had no use for me, aside from that I've only been on a handful of dates that never go anywhere. I don't understand what it is about my luck that all I do is attract assholes & scumbags.

But at the same time I feel like, If a truly decent guy were to come into the picture ....would he stick around? ...If so for how long? until he decides he's not cut out to "contend with me" In all honesty, I feel unloved, worthless & unlovable. I mean I put on a good front & try to pass myself off like I have confidence & I put on a brave face like everything is fine, but deep down inside, I feel totally unlovable & worthless & its driven me into depression. I feel like a failure & a total loser. My past is full of pain, & hardships, I have trust issues & insecurities like you wouldn't believe, & depression, which I usually hide.

I mean I come from an extremely dysfunctional family, I was verbally & physically abused by my mother, sexually, physically & verbally abused by my father. I have problems at two different colleges, I've been homeless, I was never taught how to manage money & was very reckless with it, I dug myself into credit card debut as well with shopping sprees. To put the icing on the cake, my financial recklessness forced me to move back in with the same parents who abused me (again, in fact I spent the better part of my 20's living with them on & off because I was so irresponsible with money). I've always been a target for bullies & have had trouble keeping friends. In addition to that I've spent the last three years of my life in therapy on & off. I'm an emotional wreck, a financial wreck, I've had a rough past, I've had issues with booze & have thought about suicide many times. ....At this point in my life I can't think of a damn thing that I could offer a truly decent guy, if he came into the picture, other than myself. But we all know love doesn't pay the bills & we all know that being loved unconditionally for who you are is something that rarely happens.

The very thought of opening up to people terrifies me because many times when I have people have labeled me a "liar", "crazy", or insinuate that I must have some sort of "mental issue" ...Most people disappear once I open up to them truthfully about my life. I am beginning to feel like real true unconditional love is a blessing that I will never get ....I have pretty much given up the idea that love will ever find me, or that I will ever have it. In fact the last guy I was with (the guy chased me around for sex for five months) basically told me that I was too "f**ked up" & damaged for anyone to truly love me. In addition he told me that no decent guy in his right mind would ever wanna put up with a woman that was as messed up as me, or had a bad past like me, or a woman that has as much emotional baggage as I do & that I would be a fool to ever think that any truly decent guy would even want to spend five minutes having to "deal" with me let alone actually love me. He also insinuated that I was "mentally disturbed" & that no decent guy would ever love me for that reason also.

When I talk to people about my life & about the fact that I haven't had any boyfriends or much experience in the romance department, they usually think I am lying, or that something must be "wrong" with me because why else wouldn't I have had any boyfriends. I'm very depressed & have basically shut myself down emotionally. The older I get, the more & more I feel like I should just accept the fact that love isn't in the cards for me & it hurts because I'd really like to know what real true love feels like before I die. I hate to think that I'd go to my grave having never been loved, or had a relationship. I cant help but think that my past, my childhood, & the things I have been through would scare a truly decent guy away & would prevent me from having a loving, healthy relationship with a decent guy, because once I tell him the truth about my life, He'll probably bail.

Does anyone have any advice? ....Any insight? ....Anything that I should do? ....Should I hold out hope? ...Or just come to terms that love might not be in my deck of cards? ....The experiences that I have had & lack of love have also hardened me up a bit, you know toughened me up. I don't have faith in anything, I don't believe in fairy tales, or anything like that

 

[cherryblossom]

Hi Kristen. I don't think you should give up on love. I don't think anyone should give up on something they want.

I think you've just met some uncaring men, and yes creeps, and abusers, which have understandably affected both your view of men and your own self esteem. And that's without taking everything else you've said into the equation.

I do understand where you are coming from. I'm 41, single, never been married, never lived with a guy. I have however had a few long term relationships. Unfortunately the one true love out of those relationships died. Maybe if he'd lived, we would be together, but who knows? Nothing in life is predictable.

I've also had relationships since then where I've been told I'm too f*cked up to be worth bothering with. And that completely knocks any confidence and self-esteem that you might have had.

I think there is some truth in the old saying that you have to love yourself first.

The way I see it is that I can't control anyone else. I can't make someone else fall in love with me, whatever I think of them. So I concentrate on the things that I can control. I can work on my issues, to build up my self esteem, I can build on my friendships, which helps to make me feel valued. I can control my finances, so I can make my own decisions about where I live, and what work I do. I do training courses to further my career, and because it boosts my self-esteem when I pass. I make sure I do things that I enjoy (hobbies and friends). I can try to seek help with the things I struggle with (therapy), and make sure that I work hard in therapy to resolve those issues. Maybe then I'll be in a better position to seek out a relationship. No guy is going to wander into my life, and 'save me', from everything that troubles me.

At present, I don't actively seek out relationships. Firstly because I already have too much other stuff in my life which is causing me stress. Secondly, because I know that I need to be in a better place emotionally to deal with a new relationship. Thirdly, because of my current high stress levels, and some emotional issues, I don't have much to offer someone else right now. But maybe, if I keep working on everything that is wrong in my life right now, in a month or 2 things might be getting better.

Once I am in a better place, then I might actively seek out a relationship. Perhaps, try internet dating again. Dating/relationships should be fun, for both parties, not a source of undue stress or worry.

That's just me, and how I'm dealing with being single, and the times that I feel unlovable. I don't know if any of that helps you?

Also remember, you are not the only person who hides how they are truly feeling. Loads of people fake confidence, hide depression, and make out that their relationships /marriages are better than they really are. There are also plenty of people in relationships who feel unloved, and lonely, but are trapped in their situation for financial reasons or because of children. Don't see being single as a failure. It's an opportunity to take control of life, in small steps. You are already stronger than many women your age, use that strength to your advantage to develop your independence and build up your self esteem, making you a great catch for any good guys that you might come across, either next week, next month or next year!!

 

[Kristen]

@cherryblossom ....thank you for the advice ....I really appreciate it ....I am very sorry about the fact that your true love died. I am truly sorry about that. I do however want you to understand that I'm not really looking for anyone to "save" me, I know that's no one's job, but I guess what I am looking for is for someone to understand me & accept me rather. But again thank you for all the compliments & advice ...it helps a great deal :)

 

[padalac3]

There are a great many truths. Here are a few:

• To be loved and to love others; one must love one's self first.
• Success is an attitude, not a destination.
• Happiness first comes from within one's self. And with that; NO other person can make it come or make it go away without the one's own accordance. (You may want to contemplate this on an hourly basis at first until the truth of it becomes real and engrained).
• To emotionally and spiritually protect one's self from other humans and their probable toxic bombardment, one must put on the armor, (spiritual and emotional), of a warrior.

1. Shield and breastplate to deflect incoming assaults.
2. Helmet, shoulder and neck guards, arm and wrist guards, groin and leg guards. All to protect against weapon attacks.
3. Gloves, and high boots to handle and wade through the muck, mire, and blood of the vanquished enemy.

• Arm one's self with weapons that will ensure victory. (These weapons are literally words/ideals that are spoken from the heart. Strengthened with wisdom, knowledge, and understanding. They can render the listener harmless and, if need be, intimidated.

1. A whip with which you can dismount or pull the legs out from under the enemy and bring them to the ground.
2. A mace with which you can pummel the enemy into submission.
3. A double edge sword, (literally the tongue you speak with), with which you hack and cut the enemy down to a small enough bit that can be kicked aside.

I know that all sounds pretty harsh and battleground like. But Kristen you need to be living a life of VICTORY.
Look at the battle like a baseball batter. You need to SMACK the incoming ball with assurance that it is not what you want and slam it back to the outfield.
And you need to be the catcher that reads the signal from the pitcher on the mound knowing that this incoming ball is meant for you to catch and keep, (if even for a while).
And you need to be the umpire that makes the call on the play, (date). It was a hit, a strike, a ball. That needs to be your call Kristen. If you just met a potential jerk, make that call and do not give him your number.
Above all Kristen, put yourself as number one. Get a strong backbone and get finances under control. Get your own place and put the past parental relationship where it belongs- in the past. Then treat them as acquaintances. YOU regulate how much you do or don't associate with them.
Now this is a little tongue-in-cheek but remember: when it comes to sex; god made our arms long enough to reach down THERE for a reason. So we don't have to be dependant on anyone else for our own comfort. I know that doesn't fulfill the need for human companionship. But hey. They say there is someone for everyone. I know I was 50 and divorced three times before I met and married the bride of my dreams.
We even sleep holding hands. It's been over 12 years now.
You can do this Kristen. I'm praying for you.

 

[Lucycat]

• Happiness first comes from within one's self. And with that; NO other person can make it come or make it go away without the one's own accordance. (You may want to contemplate this on an hourly basis at first until the truth of it becomes real and engrained).

I have a problem with this. I do understand that we can make our own happiness, but I disagree that no-one else can effectively steal our happiness. That makes it sound like a choice and it is not that simple.

If someone killed my cat today I would not be happy. My happiness would have been taken by the deliberate act of another. That act would have been done because it would make me unhappy. If that happened I would not be able to think myself happy - even with a lot of practice. With time I would grieve and accept the reality of the situation and start to feel better and move on, but in the first instant I think the other person is responsible .

 

[padalac3]

I have a problem with this. I do understand that we can make our own happiness, but I disagree that no-one else can effectively steal our happiness. That makes it sound like a choice and it is not that simple.

If someone killed my cat today I would not be happy. My happiness would have been taken by the deliberate act of another. That act would have been done because it would make me unhappy. If that happened I would not be able to think myself happy - even with a lot of practice. With time I would grieve and accept the reality of the situation and start to feel better and move on, but in the first instant I think the other person is responsible .

So true. And I apologize for not acknowledging the more personal aspect of 'feelings' on behalf of the victimized. It's possible my testosterone had gotten in the way of having a more understanding view on the subject at hand.

 

[Kristen]

@padalac3 ...It did sound a bit harsh, but I do thank you for your advice & you are correct about a lot of things. I am in counseling & I am in the process of saving money to get my own place again. It's not happening over night, but then again, nothing does ...I am going to be ok. I know I will

 

[padalac3]

That is great and remarkable. As my dad taught me in mountaineering: "Keep putting one foot in front of the other". And you will reach the summits of all your goals.
Live well Kristen, and joyously.