Feeling Very Suicidal Ideationish

[Smile]

Been watching/listening to a lot of suicide songs, thoughts consume me. Trying to cut ties with family: not calling them, etc.

Triggered by the following: (hope this doesn't upset pple)
I've been having recurring child molestation dreams since around 8... Always thought I was a horrible person for having such dreams until I finally told a T about 4 years ago.

Thought for sure he was going to call the cops on me, even asked him if he did. He laughed and then asked me if I was serious. When I said yes he replied that I had done nothing wrong. He thought there was a very good chance I was molested as a child.

2 years later: I told my next T my theory that what if these dreams meant that I had been the perpetrator. He told me that he's dealt with many rapists and none of them feel remorse or go theu the pain I am.

Now: told my new T (first one who is a trauma specialist) my theory. She said there's no way of knowing either way.

So we had a bit of a break through. I don't self care because I'm punishing myself. Either bc I hurt someone or bc I forced myself to forget the memories that happened to me (I remember doing that at about age 12).

I'm stuck. Having another session tomorrow. For the zillionth time I asked to be hypnotized but was rejected again. Memories are not factual... Blah blah blah.

If I knew for a fact that id hurt someone, I'd kill myself right now.

Is there no way to get back my memories?!?! This is killing me. Literally.

Please help me.

I googled freestyle drawing but don't have much hope. Really looking for something my T can do with me

 

[lostforgottensoul]

Im not sure what exactly you are looking for, and maybe I missed it, but to me, it sounds like you want memories of molesting someone?

When i was 14, I molested a 10 month old baby boy for about 5 mins before i ran to go throw up. For yrs, no one knew but i punished myself over and over and over for so many years. I tried to commit suicide over it, believing that i was a monster and a pedophile just like those that hurt me and since i didnt go to prison where i belonged that i should forever be punished.

I told my therapist about it about a year or 2 ago (5 or 6 yrs into therapy) but it was a rushed 'i did this, now change subject'. I never told anyone else nor did i ever tell him the details.

About 6 months ago i wrote about it on here, in detail. I was for sure others would hate me and tell me i was this nasty piece of garbage. That was opposite of what happened and i then took it into therapy and read the thread to my therapist whom, for the first time, was hearing details.

Pedophiles do NOT feel remorse or bad about whom they molest, they just dont. Also, it is incredably common for children to act out sexually when they've been sexually abused.

It took a while after that to stop punishing myself for it and today i can saftely say that there is no "charge" on it at all. I no longer hate myself for it. But that took a lot of work around it...A LOT of work around it.

 

[shimmerz]

My experience with memory recall has been that the more I 'wanted' the memory, the less reliable the memory was. I also found that i would have 'perp' memories because I was afraid that because of the abuse done to me that I was 'infected' with a piece of the abuser. Your dreams may well be an enactment of that fear.

What if you never know? If this did happen at a very young age (IF) it certainly isn't happening now. Nor does it sound like you have pedopheliac urges now.

Dealing with the here and now is a big enough chore for those with PTSD. I say work with the dreams you are having as if you are NOT a perp. Because right here, right now, you are not.

 

[Smile]

My experience with memory recall has been that the more I 'wanted' the memory, the less reliable the m...

I want to work on my dreams but my T wants to work on foundational work first

 

[Smile]

Im not sure what exactly you are looking for, and maybe I missed it, but to me, it sounds lik...

Nooo! I don't want to find out I hurt a child! Better of two evils... Would rather find out something happened to me.

But yes, I do want the truth... No matter what :(

 

[joeylittle]

my T wants to work on foundational work first

I understand how frustrating this is going to be for you to read...but your T is right. And I am 100% in agreement with what @shimmerz said - the more you did for memories, the more elusive they become, and the more fractured they are likely to be.

Think of it this way - your mind is blocking your recall. Our brains are pretty sophisticated, and it's probably blocking the recall, still, for a few good reasons. Some of those reasons might have to do with your own emotional instability around the subject. That doesn't mean there's something wrong with you, or something you're doing wrong - it's just the PTSD doing its thing.

Focus on developing those foundational skills, getting to know your therapist even better, allowing your mind to unclench a little bit. Odds are, the memories will follow.

 

[EveHarrington]

Foundational work really does need to come first. A therapist who throws you in the deep end when you don't know how to swim would be unethical. Healing happens over time (as frustrating as this can be!)

I wouldn't be so quick to jump to the conclusion that you've done something wrong. Dreams aren't factual most of the time.

 

[Smile]

I understand how frustrating this is going to be for you to read...but your T is right. And I am 10...

Thank you. I know ur right, even though I hate this "process". Thanks for the hope

 

[shimmerz]

I want to work on my dreams but my T wants to work on foundational work first

I think I can hear the same impatience that I had when I was working with my T-doc on foundational stuff. I HATED it. I had shit to do!

What I understand now, is that the part of the brain that conjures up those dreams, those nightmares, those flashbacks, those 'creepy feelings' and those reactions - well - it speaks a completely different language than we were use in linguistics. It saves an awful lot of heartache and worrying (aka stress) when we understand this language.

I used to have nightmares every time someone close to me died that I had slaughtered them and dismembered them and was frantic to find a hiding spot to bury them. I didn't understand these dreams at all. I now understand it was my own fear based on past events that happened to me.

Patience will get you a long way.

 

[Smile]

I think I can hear the same impatience that I had when I was working with my T-doc on foundational stu...

Thank you. Patience is nit something I do well

 

[shimmerz]

Patience, especially for people like us, in the vulnerable position that PTSD puts us into, is one of the most challenging things. Patience followed closely by kindness (to self). Impossible! As a matter of fact, just posted about it in my diary today. I am much better at it, but man, seriously, I don't have time for all of this crap in my life. better.things.to.do!

 

[Smile]

Patience, especially for people like us, in the vulnerable position that PTSD puts us into, is one of...

I wish I could triple like this!!!