Sufferer Feelings' Images After An Attack

[bobalog]

Hi. I'm not really sure what I can accomplish but I have a notion that certain images are "landmarks" to the memory of the hurt that was. Well at the point I realized I was not going to be able to get up and this guy was just wailing away on my temples, me losing consciousness but knowing this was not going to necessarily stop it. Also breathing interruption, one bruise was like a thumb was choking me and then some more pepper spray going directly into my nose and mouth and being told that other weapons were handy.

I felt totally overpowered and helpless and this feeling is STILL with me!! This is the awful truth of it. I have been beat before but got over it but this time - well less flashbacks and better sleep now but associations that should be thin are triggering TENSION and discomfort.

It is OVER (several months) but feels like it's not. In fact it is poisoning every day and affecting my health. Thanks you brutal CREEP. It is SO humiliating what this has done to my personal confidence. I have been traumatized many times as a child and adolescent in my home and later had to contend with some rough people at times but this time I don't take pills or drink and it seems I have no way to release it. Day in and day out there is a knot in my gut. I want to cry, to yell, to MOURN the loss of my pride! To RECOVER!

I am afraid to give money for help. I have limited money and a life threatening disease. I have intense chronic fatigue WITHOUT this ptsd. I am afraid that the SYSTEM will only put me on meds that can be ANOTHER serious problem. My closest considerate family member is so far away. I have had good therapy before but I had MONEY then. Now I am in debt with no work or income. Simply put in this state of health I can't work right now.

 

[KP the nut]

Hi and welcome to the forum.

 

[intothelight]

Hi Bobalog,

Welcome to the PTSD Forum! :)

As you read, you will find many members suffer with various autoimmune disorders, and continued stress does not help. Treating PTSD and learning to manage the symptoms does have a positive impact, not only on one's mental health, but also physically. I don't know if there are income based mental health services, but that might be one source to check out. This site also has a lot of information and some really good material for self-help.

I hope you find the information and support here beneficial to your healing.

Take care.

Debbie

 

[therapybankrupt]

Welcome bobalog! It is understanding you cannot work. Chronic Fatigue is reason enough and you also have PSTD. I have not worked in years. I have now found a competent, licensed trauma specializing in EMDR. I hope to rid myself of all the pain. Yes, this is frightening. The only way out is through the pain for me. Check out the wiki and if you want to read threads put a word in the search bar and it will bring up tagged threads. I learned a lot here I hope you do to!

tb

 

[Lady of Longbourn]

Welcome. :)

 

[bobalog]

Hi - umm therapybankrupt do you mean Wikipedia on the open internet or search inside this site? And .. to simply enter keywords in the tags bar right here? Thanks...and thanks you others for your kind words and thoughts. Of course I am wrong to be overly do it yourself but as others have mentioned we really do it ourselves (recover) WITH as much help as we can summon and apply. I believe that mindfully we will experiment and find leverage for the various "contours and facets" of our problem(s).

Today was somewhat productive in the sense I got a few things done and interacted a little with...6 people, at the laundromat, restaurant, residence. I experienced pain/ anxiety of simple hunger for food and resolved that in time so it wasn't too unbearable. I noticed the pain of apprehension that SOMETHING might go awfully wrong AGAIN at any time break down from numbing tension and general pain to one I could feel but not be devastated by.

Now I RECALL something similar( good thing to do)...about 10 days clean from heroin and cocaine years ago. Just getting back to my front porch after walking the dogs, feeling lots of pain but thinking "well... this IS more bearable than yesterday" type idea. So that's it. I AM hopeful that just maybe there is a natural progression of healing if I keep saying "good morning" when I now walk alone at the park each morning, keep doing a few chores (!) and partaking in some "normal" conversation...not easy to be "engaging" for more than 30 secs at a time though! Where are the prohibited emotions and the spontaneity that I earned and LOST again?

 

[Velvettte]

Hi bobalog :)

Previously in therapy have you done arousal reduction techniques? These can be really useful in moving through experiences that are producing intense anxiety/fear. The more you do a thing, the more familiar it becomes and the less anxiety can be attached to it - so if you can employ arousal reduction techniques (e.g. breath exercise or distraction) whilst continueing to engage in those activities you find really difficult... it can help.

Memories are a real trip! You can use the same technique described above for memories too - eg. the more you 'choose' to look at those memories whilst engaging in arousal reduction, the less emotion is eventually attached to the memory, until it becomes incorporated into the story that is your history. You mentioned yourself there have been a number of other events that you have been able to move past... it is possible to to shift here too.

Kind regards
Velvettte

 

[bobalog]

Well as I was I primalist I try to feel my pain and then let my brain rebuild instead of compartmentalizing pain away. Of course you need to take breaks to survive some of it. Not saying others are in denial. My thresholds could be lower than I think etc. In fact I never trusted enough to let go in group for example. And when I returned home to no support system from 10 weeks of therapy I quickly relapsed when I was actually not using before therapy so I know how driven we can get. Too bad too because therapy had me really beginning to feel genuinely curious and engaged in the world but my boundaries dropped and I allowed the wrong girl in.

Anyway I have pretty much destroyed myself. I just hope to recover from my last PTSD and become eligible for hep c treatment which can be lethal anyway. I read now that the disease and treatment lead to diabetes and from what I see so far it's really a form of insanity - I mean blood sugar fluctuations cause ANXIETY ; fatigue and more and I have about had it already with all of this trembly nervous shit! My fault I hit the sweets and also picked up the virus from "sweets" too.

VENTING: I don't ever want to live with insulin and a menagerie of meds!!!!

 

[Deleted member 19035]

Hello and welcome.

 

[bobalog]

Hi everyone. I've been thinking I should not label anything I can't change right now "insanity" because I'm not happy with my circumstances. Freedom of expression okay enough said.

This day, Saturday, was a subtle doozy. Nothing bad happened but the sense of internal oppression was crushing. Ate well enough, made I short visit out of town, walked about 80min total through the day, but the visit and sense of myself throughout the day was off balance and terribly challenged - showing me how limited I am right now. I don't like being like this. How am I being? Tied up like a pretzel, racked with pain and looking out for #1. For example, my friend's narrative about his internal struggles with his last fling was quite overwhelming to me being out of much recent experience, and it's that thing about PTSD: (difficulty with intimacy).

 

[ashdawn8287]

It gets better only if you do the hard and ugly work. Their isn't an easy way out. I hope you find what you are looking for and I am so sorry to have read what you went through. It is okay, you're here now.