Sufferer Feelings/memories every saturday afternoon

[ddddd]

Hello,

I'm glad I found this site and that it's so active. I was on a similar online forum years ago. I have struggled with believing myself for maybe 25 years about childhood abuse and have a good PTSD-oriented therapist.
The reason I came online today was that most Saturdays are very hard (after working all week) -- feelings of fear and distrust of everyone take over, even if I start the morning well -- they come up in the afternoon. I think I am back in the isolation and hopelessness of childhood. I get very depressed, and then sad that I can't enjoy my day off, and then ashamed of being so "negative" (family expression of course), so I don't call anyone. Sometimes a nap helps -- but today even though I went out briefly the negativity returned again afterward anyway. There is a well of anger that I don't like facing since all it does is take over. I can distract myself with a book or TV show sometimes, which I did -- now it's getting late and I can write off the day again. I just hate this cycle.

OK, the truth is, I think something bad happened with my father on Saturday afternoons. There was something "special" where he took me out alone every Saturday (not my younger siblings) -- what I remember is the way I ended it, by saying he had to alternate with all 3 of us -- that didn't last long.

If this brought up memories or gave me some relief I could accept it, but usually it doesn't. Any recommendations on what to do? Just writing this, I can see I have to accept it -- but as I said, I am sick of it. I guess I need to find some self-care.

thanks for listening, and best wishes to all those recovering from PTSD & CPTSD,

ddddd

 

[Freida]

Could be an anniversary reaction? This is a good site that can explain why some dates or times are more problematic....

Reminders of Trauma: Anniversaries - PTSD: National Center for PTSD

they made me nuts until I learned what they were! Well. Ok. They still make me nuts but at least I know why. ;)

 

[EveHarrington]

I think a big part of the problem is that you are fighting the feelings instead of accept them and feeling them. IME this causes feelings to be SO much more intense.

 

[Sideways]

Welcome to the forum:)

My abuse used to occur on Wednesdays at lunch. When I put that together, that made Wednesday’s a really difficult day (putting it mildly). And for a period, whenever I got triggered, I would believe that it was Wednesday, whatever day it was. Which was similarly awful.

So, definitely the association with your trauma could be there. But be gentle on yourself and take it slowly with your T, because uncovering stuff like that can have a nasty rebound effect for a while.

In the meantime, knowing Saturday is especially difficult for you, could you work in some new routines, different habits of pleasant (or at least distracting) activities on Saturday to help bring your distress levels down? And maybe plan ahead so that you don’t like too many expectations on yourself to achieve on a Saturday?

 

[ddddd]

Thank you, Freida, Ragdoll Circus and EveHarrington, for your support! I agree, the problem is I keep wanting different feelings -- not these feelings. It helps to come on this forum and just accept I am a PTSD survivor, like many other people -- you all cope with it in your lives, and I can too. It's a little difficult because I tend to go into denial -- I kind of switch into "just-get-it-done" adult (or kid trying really hard to be an adult), and that task-orientation, workaholism, takes over. I have learned to remember, over the years, that if I am falling apart it's okay, I can deal with everything else later.
But I really appreciate the suggestions from Ragdoll Circus. I have to keep consciously working on acceptance of this reality and kindness to myself, in advance.
Thanks again, I'm glad I found you all.