Feels Like Giving Up

[JEKBreatheandBelieve]

I made a really hard decision in the past week or so. In the midst of working through some really difficult DID internal work, I also had to make a decision about going back to work next year. I teach. I have wanted to be a teacher for as long as I can remember. I struggled many times throughout my college career and teaching career to keep going even when people said I was "too shy to be a teacher" or "too smart to be a teacher" (whatever that means). Teaching has been my life. It's been my solid rock and something I have been comfortable doing. It's been my break from the rest of the world.

But that changed over the last few years I began to unravel the mysteries in my internal world. I didn't mean for it to change. I struggled hard not to let it change. I clung onto teaching as hard as I could, but alas even teaching couldn't save me from my symptoms. So this year I took a year off, at the time bound and determined to be back in the classroom next year.

However, it's been a very difficult year off. I've spent a total of 4.5 months inpatient (which were hard choices to make, but well worth it). I had to tell my district whether I would be back or not in January. I had no idea what to say, but I didn't want to close the door just yet, so I said yes. Then, while I was away at the treatment center again, I got a letter stating that they needed a letter from my therapist stating that I was capable to of my job and what accommodations I would need. Then, they would review and make a decision. Then, came the part about making sure that my absences did not continue. I can guarantee that any more than anyone else in life can guarantee that. You just can't tell what life is going to bring, PTSD and DID aside.

I was really distraught when I got the letter, but I have done a lot of thinking. I have decided not to go back to teaching and to apply for disability instead. I made the decision for myself, which is HUGE. I am anxious about the reactions of other people and feel guilty and like I am giving up, but I made the decision and I think I made it with my best interests in mind, not the interests of other people. I have trouble making even tiny decisions so this was really big. I meet with administration on Monday to tell them my decision. I am super scared of that. I also feel like I am giving up on part of myself. Anyway, I just needed to get that out and if anyone wants to offer support, encouragement, or suggestions for my meeting all would be welcome.

 

[mrsps]

I can totally understand what a big decision it would have been for you to make. Good on you for making the decision yourself, thinking about your self and what is best for you. You can now take the time you need to work on you and you can go back to teaching in the future when you feel ready. Be proud of the choice you have made, to work on getting you better so you can be an even better teacher in the future, if you don't look after you no one else will.
Good luck for the meeting, you are not giving up on part of yourself, you are doing what is right for you. No body else opinion matters!
Take care

 

[shimmerz]

My decision about my work was forced upon me. I think I would not have suffered so much if I had been able to make it myself. I think you absolutely did a great thing for you..... for present issues (therapy) and future issues (re-empowerment).

 

[joeylittle]

I have decided not to go back to teaching and to apply for disability instead. I made the decision for myself, which is HUGE. I am anxious about the reactions of other people and feel guilty and like I am giving up, but I made the decision and I think I made it with my best interests in mind, not the interests of other people.

It sounds like you really did. Well done, for real. It's a huge decision, and you made it well and thoughtfully.

 

[Suzetig]

What a massive decision, I remember well how hard it was for you to decide to take time out and how measured you were then. It sounds like you're being equally measured this time round. I'm sorry you've had to make the decision but do think it might be for the next just now.

Give yourself the time to heal properly, who know what the future holds for you but I do know it's worth properly taking time to recover. Good luck for your meeting, I hope you're able to be calm and confident in your decision.

 

[scout86]

Not giving up. A "mid-course correction". You never know where you'll end up. All you can really do is the very best job of "now" that you can. That sounds like exactly what you're about. All the best going forward! :hug:

 

[Notsowild]

Then, they would review and make a decision. Then, came the part about making sure that my absences did not continue. I can guarantee that any more than anyone else in life can guarantee that

I hated that question too. I mean really no healthy person can guarantee what will happen in their life. Why pick on us?.

I applaud you on making the decision not to work. I wonder why I am at work most days. It has been so difficult. I keep trying to pretend I'm like everyone else and I'm not. Need to start thinking about disability too.

I hope all the best of you. You deserve it

 

[JEKBreatheandBelieve]

I mean really no healthy person can guarantee what will happen in their life. Why pick on us?

Completely agree with that sentiment. If I am brave enough at the meeting, I plan to bring that point up and how they could word things a little better rather than set a person up for failure!

I keep trying to pretend I'm like everyone else and I'm not. Need to start thinking about disability too.

Yep, I have been in that thinking pattern, too. Then, when I finally admitted I needed a year off, I was determined that was all I needed, but it's definitely not the case. I just hope I can keep reminding myself why I am making this choice.

 

[JEKBreatheandBelieve]

Just had my meeting this afternoon to let the superintendent and principal know of my decision. All went well, but I feel horrible now. Those feelings of self-doubt and giving up and doing the wrong things are all trying to wash over me. No, they're not trying, they are. I am going to attempt to counteract them and contain them for now, but I don't know how successful I will be. It was a huge decision and I knew these feelings were here, but it's much harder now that I've actually let the people in charge know of my decision.

 

[scout86]

I am going to attempt to counteract them and contain them for now,

No, you ARE going to counteract and contain them for now.

You put a lot of thought into your decision. It was the best one you knew how to make at the time. It's fine and so are you. None of us ever know how things will turn out when we make a choice. But we still have to make choices. You picked a fork in the road, after careful consideration. Just focus on making the path ahead of you the very best you can. It will be ok. :hug:

 

[JEKBreatheandBelieve]

No, you ARE going to counteract and contain them for now.

Thanks, I needed that. Called my attention to the fact that using attempt is like saying try and I am not using that word anymore.

Just focus on making the path ahead of you the very best you can. It will be ok.

Paths are tricky, but I am focusing on this next path. I know I made the best decision I could for myself and my family and somehow it will be okay.

 

[JEKBreatheandBelieve]

Thank you, @xhoni . I don't feel like giving up totally. I just meant that it feels like I am giving up the strive for having my life back by giving up my teaching job. Teaching is something I have always loved and enjoyed, but I can't balance that and my family, and my health. So even though I know it's the best decision, it feels like giving up on something important.