Supporter Fell In Love With Someone Who Suffers From Ptsd

[PoeticLady83]

Hello all, I'm new here and already overwhelmed for the past year I've visited this forum. Today, I finally made an account.

Fell in love with someone who has PTSD. Everything was great in the beginning we talked about a future. When we first met I hesitated it was actually him who pursued me. He told me fairly quickly (just one month in) that he had been diagnosed with PTSD. He gave me time even when he didn't have to. We were friends at first and although I don't trust or let people get close to me.....I wanted to tell him everything. Now at almost 2 years he's pushing me away leaving me stuck. I've tried and tried but nothing works. I'm crushed and it's soo hurtful. This is my first experience with someone who has PTSD. I thought I could handle it and I'm sure that sounds stupid....but I was determined or maybe just foolishly thinking I could love him past pain. I know PTSD isn't curable but it can be controlled. I don't want to cut off contact although my friends think I should because I feel he might need me. Took a lot for me to write this I'll appreciate any advice or thoughts...perhaps I need a brutal awakening.

 

[BlueOrange]

My wife handles me very skillfully in this regard. When I push her away, she backs off, and insists that I have some quiet time to myself until I want to come back. I still find this a bit scary at times, probably because I have a disease that makes me scared of things. I think it makes our overall relationship stronger, and I return to her faster than I've returned to other women - with her not chasing after me, I get lonely pretty quickly.

It helps that she enjoys solitude, and sometimes wants a break from me. (Ironically, I don't handle it nearly so well when she wants space. I find it a bit crazy-making to face uncertainty about the state of our relationship.)

If it doesn't drive you up the wall, it might work for you too.

 

[intothelight]

@PoeticLady83. Welcome to the forum!

There is an entire section for supporters and I think you will find that pulling away and isolating is not uncommon for a person with PTSD, but it is extremely painful for their partner. You can't change his decision but you can choose as to whether or not it is in your best interest to continue the relationship. Focus on yourself and take care of you right now until you are in a place where you are ready.

 

[PoeticLady83]

@BlueOrange thank you for your response. I too need time alone so I can relate to that. At times where I've tried or wanted to make sure I was giving him space. ...he'd tell me I push him away. It's just exhausted me cause I don't want to lose him and I'm willing to be there. Just over the past few months the communication is lacking he won't tell me much of anything and nothing I say or do helps.

@intothelight I agree completely and that's where my mindset is at the moment. I think PTSD is one of the hardest conditions to understand. I'm fairly reasonable and I am a person most people feel comfortable talking to and they confide in me with their deepest fears. I'm not use to trying to figure someone out or becoming frustrated by their behavior. This has put my mental state in a bad place. There's just no closure and I hid my feelings for a long time because I have no support. Also, I didn't want to feel as if I was complaining to him about something I know isn't his fault....something he can't fix. I'm really glad I've joined the forum and thanks for welcoming me.

 

[BlueOrange]

One of the turning points in my life was when I ended a relationship (had the "this is over between us" talk) because I didn't enjoy it. She was nice and she loved me, and was a good person. But our good days together were equivalent to being alone, and our bad days were just draining.

Just because someone deserves to be loved doesn't mean you're obligated to be the one that loves them. If it's tearing you apart, there's no point in traumatizing yourself over it.

(If it's not tearing you apart, then great! And if the input helps you be together, then great! But do take care of yourself first.)

 

[fmg12]

Hi,I'm new here,I too am in love with someone who suffers from PTSD,we were just friends first and then he would disappear but always come back,he did maybe four or five times over a two year span,then said he was only interested in non-committal relationships,I decided I would go along with it.I still took him back,he recently told me he has PTSD from being in the military. We became closer,talked more,had the most amazing sex ever and more often. Needless to say I fell in love with him.He has no friends,pushes his family away,but when he calls on me I drop everything to see about him.Recently I am now seeing the person he becomes when he would run away..He is moody,condescending,negative and just plain hurtful.It seems he goes out of his way to hurt my feelings,from being snappy to hanging up in my face. I want to leave,but was told not to give up om him,and that he really cares for me and loves me,he just doesn't know he to say it.He's just afraid of being hurt.He's carrying a lot of hurt around from past marriages (2) and broken relationships.I love him but I'm so afraid to tell him,for fear of losing him.I miss the smile and warmth that used to greet me every chance he gets he's saying to me how I am nothing but someone he sleeps with even though I have never asked him for a relationship ...I'm at my wits end,I truly love him,but don't want to abandon him,he can be so dark and speaks suicidal things sometimes,i just don't want to drop the ball with him,he is getting help,but I don't know if that's enough..Please help!!

 

[PoeticLady83]

@fmg12

I understand how you're feeling and your NOT alone. As others have said it is important we take care ourselves and understand what the sufferer is feeling too. I think too we can't treat this as we would other relationships nor compare. But we all have our limits. While anyone can give advice it's up to us to make the decision if we'll stay and in what capacity. I've learned imo it really comes down to being able to accept it. You might want to try counseling and or if this forum helps (it has helped me). You have to be mentally strong to deal with someone in this condition or else you'll both crash and burn. Also, I've learned to not take it personal. It's not your fault, it can't be fixed. I hid my feelings for a while as far as telling him and that didn't help any through this summer I've been pouring out my heart and rambling at times. Having these outburst cause I can't get my heart to understand what my mind does. It's logical, I've read soo much about ptsd and have been reading this forum for the past year. Because I wasn't sure this was something I could do. It's wore me down and the pain runs deep. My guy has changed in that regard too as far as making me feel as if we're casual when he made it a point to speak of our future and consistently talk about plans. One thing is true ....you can't force or expect a change overnight. Lastly this will be a factor in your relationship ptsd does NOT go away. You have to be willing to not only accept but prepare yourself for his episodes or dark times. It's never as easy as just leave him or move on. But you can't let this consume you or effect your life negatively. You can not help a person who won't help their self and if he doesn't want the same things you want it can't work. Ptsd or not. Unless someone is willing to sacrifice.

 

[fmg12]

@PoeticLady83 Thank you so much for your comment.Being on this forum and and doing my research has helped me so much.You're right this more different than any affair I've ever had.By now he would have "run away",I'm the only one wanting to hang around,because he's run everybody off...During a fight verbal dispute he told me to be strong,I had no idea of what that meant,now I do..Thanks so much!!