Dom Violence Female abuser, male victim

[mumstheword]

Thank you for sharing, @mumstheword. I feel terrible for your guy, and for you...

Thanks @somerandomguy :) at least we have each other!:hug:

 

[Whirlwind]

15 years ago and I am now long out of that situation, so I don't even know if I should be posting here.

Thank you for posting, I have learned from folks at all "stages" of the abuse continuum and learned from everyone. I feel gratitude for the people that take the time to share their experience....even the hard stuff because we've all been there. I would hope you feel comfortable posting in this forum, everyone adds to the collective learning.

To be perfectly honest, most of why I'm posting is so that if other male DV survivors ever come to the boards in the future

Well done. In my support group we have had a few men inquire about joining...the group leader screens them and came to ask the rest of us if we were ok with him coming....she felt terrible hearing his story how he had been treated around town trying to find a support group. He never showed.

I can't imagine how isolated and ostracized he must have felt :( So very glad you had the courage to post!

As for female abusers....they may be the relative minority but they are out there....and its not lost on fellow women. I knew one.....she abused her husband physically and mentally. During their divorce hearings she belatedly claimed he sexually assaulted their twin girls as she was looking at potential alimony and threatening him if he didn't take her offer he wouldn't see the girls.

But he had gone to the hospital several times over the years when she broke his nose, for stitches etc. The judge was reviewing her sudden late stage accusations against her husband......and she was standing there in a flowery missionary style dress (for effect).....and contesting she had ever physically assaulted her husband.

The judge asked....well then your husband chased himself up the stairs and drove a meat fork 4 inches deep into the back of his hamstring that required number of stitches? And then contintued down the LIST of injuries he suffered. It was appalling.

Annd so on....she lost custody of her children and had to pay the alimony. Sometimes justice prevails.

Take care,

Whirlwind

 

[littleoc]

This happened to me, but I've never known that it has happened to others also. Thank you for making me feel a little less isolated.

Mine (male ex) use to say I was the abuser too.

I'm still shocked that this is an abuse tactic, because I really thought it was some kind of proof that I was abusive. o.O

Anyway... I have a friend who's father saved her life from his abusive wife. But he was accused of waiting too long to get out, as my friend ended up being diagnosed with PTSD after the attempted murder -- all because her dad couldn't find a place to escape to, and police didn't believe him at first.

They both lived, though. And got justice eventually. It's not really my place to tell that full story so I won't, but I just wanted to give a short bit of it to show that I can see the effects in real life as well, though at least they're healing.

One day it will be different. All humans can become victims of abuse, and it is detrimental to say otherwise

 

[hithere]

Thank you for posting. This topic is so important to me. My mother treated my father this way. She tried to murder him in front of me more than once. I did not deal with this until I saw a movie called "Men Don't Tell"starring Peter Strauss (1993) and I watched in stunned silence as aspects of my childhood were played out on weekend TV. Even though this movie brought a realization to me, I actually did not deal with it (because men aren't abused. men are abusers is what our society and says loudly. Who would believe me?) About 20 years after I saw the movie I began experiencing unrelenting flashbacks of these DV scenes. I was angry. Someone should have called the police. Someone should have put her in jail. Yet, reality is no one would believe a woman could be this way. I am glad you share your story and hope it helps some men who have suffered from DV. I copped this belief that all women are evil even though I'm a woman. This is one of my "stuck points" as CBT would call it. I would like to change this belief because it's not true. Everyone has choices at any given moment. Not all men are wicked, which I know because my dad was a kind person, and he became an abusive to his children later to please her. He did everything he possibly could to make her happy, and it was never enough. She never became happy until he died. I truly am sorry you lived through this and that your heart was ripped to shreds. My abusers all left me and left me devastated as well, and this issue is what I am trying to deal with in my own life, but at times it feels like it is too much. It's why therapy does not work for me. Love is so so painful. I just don't think anyone can understand why I would miss and long for the abuser. So please if I ever post about my own DV issues as an adult (which I probably won't though) if I ever do, you are welcome to comment because the pain is equal. Men suffer. Their troubles are worsened because boys aren't supposed to cry. It's a terrible thing to do to a boy or girl, tell them not to cry, or shame them for crying, or threaten them with violence if they cry. People joke about it, but it isn't funny. Because I used to attend sex addicts anonymous meetings 26 years ago, I heard many stories of men having been sexually abused by women. People joke about it and say, lucky him. Yet, it isn't funny. It equally messes with the mind and the body no matter the gender.

 

[SameBoat]

She called me the abuser...

Thanks for posting, I imagine this point in particular is very difficult for men facing this due to the dynamic in male abusive relationships where he is the abuser and claims that she is abusing him trying to turn the tables around. I'm sorry you had to go through all that, in some ways it I think its worse for men, but i guess it's not a competition its just shitty all around that humans can be like that to another.

side note, something I read earlier that really resonated with me was about psychopaths and how you end up trying to explain basic human emotions and reactions to a full grown adult.. to no avail of course. I'm like a broken record with that

 

[Juso]

A very important thread! Thanks for opening it and sharing your experience @somerandomguy . I am so sorry what you went through, and what all abused men have to go through. It must be so difficult to deal with something that society doesn't (want) to see and for what society blames you ("you are too weak", "you are the abuser", ect).

My boyfriend was emotionally abused for a very long time by his female neighbor who lived right next to him. Once he had an anxiety attack in front of me when people visited his flatmate and made some noise. He was absolutely certain that they were talking about him (they weren't). He was shaking and he stared at me wide-eyed, whispering I should be quiet and that we shouldn't make any sounds. This is how I understood how deeply troubled he was by this. He only once talked about what this woman did to him. There is a lot of shame revolving around it. Especially because she was a woman.

 

[somerandomguy]

RAINN is probably a better choice for men than the Hotline. But hopefully either will assist.

Updating this. RAINN is a group primarily for women who are victims of sexual assault; they do not deal with domestic violence. I'm not at all convinced they care much about male victims of sexual assault, either. The original post referred to the National Domestic Violence Hotline. Judging from their online materials, I do not believe they are very interested in assisting male victims of domestic violence.

If you are a male victim of domestic violence, I would encourage you to try to find local resources. The bad news is that you may well not have any, depending on your location. If that's a dead end, try the National Domestic Violence Hotline. And if that's a dead end, you will have to find your own resources using people you know, materials meant for women, or online in places like this one.

 

[blackemerald1]

Hey @somerandomguy - thanks for keeping this thread updated. I am sure there are a lot of male victims of domestic and sexual assault who need this support and information.:)