Fiancé......baby And Marriage

[Fuje21]

This is my first time posting here. We have recently learned that my fiancé is suffering from ptsd from past childhood trauma and I feel helpless.

A little history on our situation. We met and fell in love very quick. We seemed like a good match because we both loved adventure and had a zest for life. After 6 months of dating we went on a two week road trip down the east coast and fell even more in love. Looking back I suppose there were warning signs but I desregarded because I was so in love. Shortly after we found out that she was pregnant. After much discussion we decided to go through with the pregnancy and start a family together. I come from a very religious family and work at a catholic school so there was a lot of pressure to get married. I admit that I pressured her a lot out of fear of what my family would think and loosing my job. She agreed to get married but wanted to wait till after the baby was born. I hesitantly agreed because I was still fearful of loosing my job at this point. My family over time ended up being supportive and I didn't loose my job but it still came at a price. My fiancé became resentful of my family and work over this and I dont blame her.

It was during the pregnancy that things got worse and I suggested we seek help. We started seeing a counselor who specialized in trauma and she was the one that diagnosed her with PTSD. We did everything to make sure te pregnancy went as smooth as possible. We hired a doula, made a birth plan, etc..despite our best efforts it was a horrible experience. It was determined that our baby was too big to be born naturally so she had a c section. During delivery they gave her too much medication and it made her feel like she couldn't beeathe. She ended up having a panic attack and passing out missing the birth of our daughter. This really triggered everything.

After our daughter was born, my fiancé really started lashing out at me and her parents( I assume the thought of being a new mother triggered trauma from her childhood with a abusive parents). I did everything I could to make life easier for her. I cleaned, cooked, took care of the baby, changed diapers in the middle of the night so she could sleep. Things were rough but manageable.

Then 6 months after our daughter was born she became pregnant again! We both freaked out and decided that because of her mental health and past experience we could not go through with it. 2 months after that our dog got loose and attacked another dog and the owner tried suing us. It never went through but needless to say stress was through the roof!!! Did I mention that she also just recently after having our daughter started a new job and was trying to plan a wedding!

Now it's three months before the wedding and things have never been worse. I've suggested delaying the wedding but she will not have any of it.

It is like walking on eggshells all the time. When she lashes out at me she becomes very hurtful. It got so bad once I was afraid for mine and my daughters safety. I took my daughter and called the police because she had a complete meltdown and threatened suicide.

I just don't know what to do. I feel like I just walked into this and my life has been turned upside down.

I love my fiancé but I just don't know if it is going to work. We are becoming very resentful of each other. The wedding seems to be the final nail in the coffin. She claims that I don't help her at all with the planning and anytime the wedding is brought up she freaks out. She claims she loves me and still wants to marry me but I don't know.

 

[DharmaGirl]

Wow, that sounds horrible IMHO. Are you getting married In the Church? Can you talk to a priest? It sounds like so much to handle.

 

[Fuje21]

Yea I talked to my principal who was a priest and he was very understanding. But that was back before all of this happened. I just don't know what to do anymore. We are both doing counseling and she is taking a low dose of abilifi which is helping a little bit. From reading on here it sounds like it's something that we're just going to have to live with as a family. I feel like a bad person because I don't know if I can deal with this for the rest of our lives.

 

[Fuje21]

Lol I guess my situation is too f$&@3! Up nobody wants to comment

 

[DharmaGirl]

I wouldn't feel like dealing with it either. That doesn't make us bad people. Can you see a therapist on your own? It sounds like you have a lot to sort out, and a therapist can help you figure out what is best for your family. I just worry that if you feel this way before you are married, what is going to happen to change it after you are married?

 

[Lady of Longbourn]

Hello Fuje21,

Giving people you don't know almost 2 hours to response to your thread and then complaining they aren't giving you their time isn't going to give you replies. I suggest being patience.

Thanks.

 

[Fuje21]

Sorry, just feel like my world is crashing in.....patience has been drained.....

 

[Fuje21]

Dharmagirl:

I do see a therapist and have been trying to figure it out. There is just no easy answer. That's my fear as well about feeling like this after the wedding and forever!

When things are good they are great! But when the PTSD is in full swing its hell on earth. I feel if I back out in giving up on my daughter and fiancé. I want more than anything for us to be a happy family but I just don't know if that will ever be a reality for us:(

 

[DharmaGirl]

There is no easy answer, you are right. You have to figure out what is best for you and your daughter, who is an innocent victim in this, and allow your fiancé to figure out what is best for her and your daughter. It sounds like you are saying it wouldn't work and If you are asking for opinions, I would not marry someone who has such extreme problems that I am questioning getting married in the first place. I would't marry anyone who lashed out at me, because PTSD is not an excuse to lash out. I wouldn't marry anyone who makes me feel as if I am walking on eggshells. If you are wanting someone to say you wouldn't be a bad guy for leaving your fiancé, I'm not going to say that. It's not a question of good or bad, it's a question of whether both of you are going to work hard enough to make this work and provide a healthy environment for your daughter. Google The Study on Adverse Childhood Experiences, then think about what kind of life your daughter will have.

 

[Deleted member 1860]

This is supposed to be the happiest time of your life and you're going through hell. I honestly don't think this is the right time to be getting married. If you told your story to ANYONE else and left out the part about her having a severe disorder, well, all of them would tell you to NOT get married. Ok, well the few who believe that families should be together at all costs will tell you to get married, but ask anyone here on the forum who had a bad childhood......Mommy + Daddy married and living together doesn't always make for a happier childhood than mommy and daddy living separately.

I think your fiancé needs to be in SOLO trauma therapy and needs time to stabilize before you get married.

The wedding should be postponed. Weddings are stressful, PERIOD. I was *ONLY* the sister of the bride with only one responsibility......and my body went into complete and total shutdown.....severe exhaustion the following month, unexplainable symptoms. My doctor ran all sorts of tests and nothing showed up. It was all due to wedding exhaustion, nothing more nothing less. (I have PTSD, I am not a supporter.)

Its time to stop fueling the fire.

I'm not trying to lay blame, but yeah, because of your religious beliefs, you put pressure on her to get married and now all of this is happening......I'm not saying that's the ONLY problem, but given my own experience with weddings, I'm sure its a huge part of the problem.

I know you think you have all of the ingredients for a happy family.....partner, child, etc....but sadly, it doesn't work that way. I think you need to throw on the brakes and focus on BEING the happy family......throw away the belief that marriage solves all. Getting married won't make anything better. If anything, it will only keep you in a bad situation longer than you need to be, that is, if her symptoms don't improve.