Fiance asking me to abuse him

[poppingbluebell22]

Let me start by saying that I don’t know if I’m posting this to the right place.
I’ve been engaged for a while now and I’m looking for some advice. My fiancé has asked me multiple times to do to him what has been done to me. Basically abuse him physically. I just don’t know if this would benefit him in any way and, don’t understand why he wants me to do this.

 

[digger]

don’t understand why he wants me to do this.

Have you asked him why he wants you to do this? Is he hoping it will have some therapeutic benefit for you, or does he want it for some other reason?

Whatever his reasons, if you're not comfortable with the idea, he needs to respect that.

 

[EveHarrington]

I would never do to someone what was done to me. It would be too horrific not to mention that it would send them to the ER (physical abuse).

On the flip side, with the sexual abuse, I want that done to me as I crave it.

 

[grit]

I have two reactions to your post:
One is you know you and him well enough to embark on a journey like this so it should not be outsourced to internet for guidance on the other hand,
I feel perhaps this is not right for you because and precisely the reason you are asking strangers to weight on.

I think the first thing is: do not do anything you do not want to do - this is elementary advise and I apologize.
the second thing is maybe do not marry a man asking you to do something you are so ambivalent enough to go online for support.

I can truly see some sexual aspect of pleasure from trauma as also noted by EveH above but this is only pleasure because you would be asking for it not others asking of you...unless again, this is the kind of relationship you have.

I just got a sense of you are not in a safe space but please take this with a grain of salt after all, I am on PTSD who knows what I am doing or thinking about right now.

 

[blackemerald1]

I just don’t know if this would benefit him in any way and, don’t understand why he wants me to do this.

^^ Well I think you do know. It wouldn't help to traumatise, abuse or disrespect your fiancee.

I agree with @digger - ask him why on earth he wants this stuff to be done to him. If he thinks 'sharing' what was done to you is going to mitigate your pain he is mistaken. If he thinks it may enhance his understanding he is also mistaken.

 

[420kitty]

The only thing I can conjure up is he wants to understand your pain on some odd level, or may be a masochist. I'm not sure about the benefits for him, but think about how it would make you feel. If you really want to reenact that part of your life.

 

[grit]

This post reminded me of a story called Alias Grace where the woman is abused beyond and beyond and ends up with a man who wants her to abuse him. It is a great book written by Margaret Atwood. The only problem is yes one may think he wants to feel your pain or one may think he wants to exploit you.

This is really dangerous if you are not strong or in intense therapy where you can get support if things go out of whack. I decided to post to your post again because I thought it was not humane to hide one negative reaction (at least one from me).

No one can feel your pain. NO ONE! at least we have not advance that far yet. Empathy, if this man had any already, seeing you suffering would be enough for him to realize how much you have been hurt.

What he is asking you is called identifying with your aggressor (which is extremely dangerous and something most complex suffers deal with a lot) and he becomes you! I do not see personally how this is helpful outside of therapeutic setting.

I hope if you go ahead, you are strong and your relationship is really healthy and this can be fun. I am not feeling the fun part though through your posting.

 

[Friday]

When you say physically abuse, do you mean

- BDSM / sticks and stones may break my bones but whips & chains excite me? / this is something he’s long familiar with and wants as part of his sex life?

- 50 Shades of Grey Curious

- Trauma re-enactment

- Generalized rough housing in or out of the bedroom

- something different?

 

[poppingbluebell22]

When you say physically abuse, do you mean
- something different?

What I’m talking about is different. I was physically tortured, stabbed, cut,burned. That’s what he’s asking me to do to him. I’ve explained to him that even if I could start doing this to him that I doubt I could stop myself.

 

[Tinyflame]

I hope you can discuss this together, examine it further, maybe with a marital counselor , before you get married.

 

[blackemerald1]

Has he explained why he wants you to do this to him?

Does he fully appreciate the trauma you have endured... because (to me) nothing justifies this sort of abuse & in any case he (nobody btw) can consent to the type of trauma you experienced & described. So it's illegal.
We are not talking about kinky sex play here.

Just tell him no @poppingbluebell22 - put him in no doubt. :wtf:

 

[digger]

What I’m talking about is different. I was physically tortured, stabbed, cut,burned. That’s what he’s asking me to do to him. I’ve explained to him that even if I could start doing this to him that I doubt I could stop myself.

What has he said is his reason for wanting you to do these things to him?