Fiance asking me to abuse him

[poppingbluebell22]

All he has said verbally is because he wants to understand better. If i knew we would be judged so much for reaching out for advice I would not have asked for advice.

 

[Mach123]

The differences between supporters and suffers are I think, not as great as we make them seem. If you end up with a person with PTSD there's a reason. We attract each other for all the wrong reasons. I'd be curious about what kinds of things might be in his past. In my case looking back my wife and I were a "ptsd setup." Something like that is probably going on with you guys. Good luck, I hope you sort things out? It's not giving me the "warm and fuzzies" though.

 

[Friday]

If i knew we would be judged so much for reaching out for advice I would not have asked for advice.

I just went back and read through the whole thread to see if I’d missed something... and I’m not reading any disapprobation / judgment. I am seeing people try to understand, and sharing their own experience.

From my own experience, when I’m talking about my trauma I tend to read things wrong / assign my own thoughts and feelings about myself to others. IE thinking others hate me because I hate myself, or reading disdain when I’m uncertain, or anger when I’m afraid. Whether it’s a direct parallel (hate to hate), worst case scenario (disdain to uncertain), or backwards logic effect = cause (if I’m scared, clearly it must be because they’re angry). It’s not an uncommon reaction with PTSD. Almost always followed by delete-destroy (avoidance) &/or guilt shame.

Our supporters call it the push-pull; asking for help *&* then taking it back // reaching out *&* shoving away // letting people in *&* throwing up walls... I tend to call it the PTSD-tango ;) The ampersand is asterisked because theres a huge “thing” that happens in between those 2 things. An emotion storm of rage/fear/guilt/shame etc. that colors everything in f*ck this noise and skews our perception of what just happened.

There’s an easy fix, though. :D Simply take a pause. Come back and reread once everything has cooled a bit instead of reacting & either lashing out or shutting down or isolating

It’s a haaaaaaard habit to get into, and it’s even harder to rewrite the cognitive distortions and core beliefs that shape our reactions when triggered . But in and of itself, taking a break and coming back, is an easy thing to do. Easy to do, hard to practice.

 

[Tinyflame]

when I’m talking about my trauma I tend to read things wrong / assign my own thoughts and feelings about myself to others. IE thinking others hate me because I hate myself, or reading disdain when I’m uncertain, or anger when I’m afraid. Whether it’s a direct parallel (hate to hate), worst case scenario (disdain to uncertain), or backwards logic effect = cause (if I’m scared, clearly it must be because they’re angry). It’s not an uncommon reaction with PTSD. Almost always followed by delete-destroy (avoidance) &/or guilt shame.

Our supporters call it the push-pull; asking for help *&* then taking it back // reaching out *&* shoving away // letting people in *&* throwing up walls... I tend to call it the PTSD-tango ;) The ampersand is asterisked because theres a huge “thing” that happens in between those 2 things. An emotion storm of rage/fear/guilt/shame etc. that colors everything in f*ck this noise and skews our perception of what just happened.

Wow @Friday , that is it all in a nutshell. Talking or thinking. Brilliant way to explain it, and our own tendencies or ways of thinking, IMHO, and portable advice across all situations. Thank you.

 

[EveHarrington]

I don’t see any judgment either.

I’m leaning toward saying this is a red flag. Just a gut feeling.

I’m concerned that this guy isn’t taking “no” for an answer.

I’m concerned that this is going to end up retraumatizing you.

And maybe THIS sounds a bit judgmental, but what kind of sicko asks you to re-create your trauma on them?!?!?!?

Yeah, you can understand my childhood rape by letting me rape you! Be sure to fight back and reeeeaaaaly not want it or else you won’t fully understand.

I think this is an indicator that he has zero understanding of PTSD. Not that anyone can fully understand what we go through, but this one is so out in left field...

Yep, I’m going with major red flag.

 

[Hojay]

Just a supporter on this forum, so feel free to disregard: I don’t think there’s anything wrong about him asking. I also don’t think there’s anything wrong with him thinking it may help him understand, or you, or both. You haven’t provided enough info to say whether he is being pushy about it or what the actual nature of your conversations have been. As a supporter, it’s easy to underestimate, minimize, just plain not get it sometimes. So I’m hesitant to say there’s malicious intent here. Unless...has he been pushing you despite your firm “no”? If so, red flag, yes.

 

[shimmerz]

All he has said verbally is because he wants to understand better.

So then the abused becomes the abuser. Know what a complete mind f*ck that is? Any idea that that could potentially send someone with PTSD off the psychotic deep end?

He is not your therapist (if you have one). He has NO idea what he is talking about when he speaks about this scenario helping you.

As far as the complaining about the reactions you have gotten. You need to understand the potential risk involved in such a scenario. Most of us already know that a walk down memory lane could damage you beyond repair. That is why everyone is asking for clarification. It is a bad thought all around. Period.

 

[EveHarrington]

Just a supporter on this forum, so feel free to disregard: I don’t think there’s anything wrong about him asking. I also don’t think there’s anything wrong with him thinking it may help him understand, or you, or both. You haven’t provided enough info to say whether he is being pushy about it or what the actual nature of your conversations have been. As a supporter, it’s easy to underestimate, minimize, just plain not get it sometimes. So I’m hesitant to say there’s malicious intent here. Unless...has he been pushing you despite your firm “no”? If so, red flag, yes.

It’s more than it just being a matter of malicious intent or not.

The road to hell is paved with good intentions, right?

And how many therapists out there have sent patients off the deep end by thinking they were doing good?

Intent doesn’t matter here. It’s just an all around bad idea given that it takes therapists years of specialized training just to help us. Someone with zero training? Nope! They should stay far away from trying to “help”.

 

[mumstheword]

This dude needs therapy, badly.
My partner has been stabbed, it very nearly killed him, can you imagine me asking him to stab me? That is some sick shit right there, and who's the one that ends up in jail when it all goes pear shaped? How does that "help" you exactly? I would be leaving his messed up ass, pronto. As someone with ptsd who is with someone who's been stabbed, there is no way that would "help" either of us, it's just a recipe for more prolonged unwellness and messed up dysfunctional shit. Sorry about my language, this idea really upsets me.

 

[Hojay]

They should stay far away from trying to “help”.

Oh, I totally agree. I realize my response may have sounded like I believe this is a good idea for them to try or that he’s in any way able to help with this suggestion. Though I hesitate to judge anyone’s sex life, I agree that it’s not a wise idea. I was responding more in terms of acknowledging the fiancé’s possible lack of insight into the matter, and that suggesting it isn’t immediately a reflection of bad character or personality. Only, however, if he isn’t being pushy and the OP can reasonably assume he doesn’t know what’s going on with her enough to know this wouldn’t be such a bright move. In that case she may have to be more clear about her hesitations or give a firmer no. But if he knows and her no has been clear, him trying to play armchair psychologist with such exposure is a terrifying idea.

 

[blackemerald1]

Sex? Sex... did the op say this was going to play out in their sexual life? No! And any way that would still be a very bad idea.
The fiancée is not talking smack & giggle here. He's asking for much more serious stuff.

 

[whiteraven]

Wondering if you've talked with him - like sat down and really talked - about the many ways this would badly affect you? It's entirely possible he just totally doesn't get it, doesn't have any idea what a bad idea that is. If he really doesn't understand and wants to, there are much better ways for him to learn. Some of what you said makes me wonder if he has a predilection to kink - I was involved in a bdsm, D/s relationship with someone who occasionally liked to submit (not to me, though). Your fiance could see this as an opening to get some of those desires satisfied.

At any rate, I hope you guys can talk and figure out how to navigate your relationship in a healthy way, and in a way that won't traumatize you more.