General Fiancee has ptsd, i try to help, what to do when my best isn’t enough?

[BradChristi]

Hey, I’m Brad and my fiancée is Christi. We’re both 27 years old and we’ve been together 6 years. Her mental health has fluctuated throughout the relationship, and it’s been definitely a lot of work keeping her feeling safe and stable. However I think we’re at one of the worst points right now then ever. She has sensory processing disorder, PTSD, and variety of trust / attachment issues.
Right now, she’s having panic attacks almost daily, and then dropping with depressive behavior and insecurity. Normally, in response to a panic attack, we’d do sensory calming exercises or breathing stuff, or sometimes if she wants it just hold her, but it hasn’t been working lately.

It’s pretty much been her wanting to be held and crying for, at times, hours while being held. I’ve tried using a lavender essential oil diffuser, tried promising she’d be safe, and it’s ended up pretty much being a waiting game while trying to get her to meet her basic needs (food water rest)

When she drops off from a panic attack, 8 times out of 10 she’ll be depressed. Along with that, she makes insecure statements, saying she doesn’t deserve me, saying bad things about herself, etc.
Only way I know how to react is disagree, and the other day we went and I got body art markers and wrote (genuine) compliments on her arms and stomach. Along with drawing because we both are artistic.
I don’t really know, though. She’s also acting like she’s reverted to early childhood. Does anyone have any other ideas, especially creative ones for things to do during panic attacks or insecurity spells? Calming exercises, sensory things?

 

[Sweetpea76]

Is she getting any treatment? Can she self soothe?

 

[Sighs]

Gee, I don't know. Maybe actual mediation and professional therapy?

 

[EveHarrington]

Hi, I have ptsd myself.

I am a bit concerned that you seem to be taking on a healing role.

I think the best thing you can do is to encourage her to help herself. If she’s not in therapy, I think you should encourage her to seek professional help.

I’m not saying that you should make her do everything for herself, as we all need things like human touch.

What I am saying is that if she learns to calm and ground herself, this will do so much more for her healing.

 

[Sweetpea76]

^^^ This is where I was headed. It doesn't matter what you do. You can't fix this. She has to work on this with a therapist to make any kind of real progress.

Don't fall into the supporter trap of thinking that you can help your partner with their symptoms. When we get involved in symptom management it does more harm than good. It's a band-aid. It gets codependent. They end up relying on us instead of making any kind of progress.

I have no problem giving my vet cuddles when he needs them. I am supportive and will do anything he asks to help. However I am not in charge of managing his panic attacks. He has to do that. He learned how to do so in a treatment center.

 

[Never_falter2]

I agree with everything everybody said so far. Is she seeing a professional? Becausewhile you can be helpful you are not in a position to „fix“ problems like panic attacks or depression.
On the other hand my sufferer sometimes has panic and with the help of CBT it got much better. If you want to help encourage her to see somebody who can really help.