Sexual Assault Fighting Occasional Urges To Be Mean, Uncaring & Selfish ....is This Normal?

[Kristen]

I frequently battle urges to be uncaring & selfish. I think about all the stuff that I have had to survive & all the hell I have gone through & how strong I've had to be & how many issues I've had to face by myself.

When I was sexually abused, I was blamed & shunned. I had no one to talk to about it.

I was bullied a lot in school, then was either blamed for it, or told to simply "get over it"

I also had a short stint of being homeless & during that time virtually NO ONE was there for me. There were plenty of people that could have helped me but didn't want to. In fact during this time the only people I had to talk to was a counselor & a county appointed social worker.

It just seems like every single time I've ever been put through hell, I've been deserted to face it alone with absolutely no one around to even be a support system for me. In fact I was told many times to keep my problems to myself because no one wanted to hear my bullsh*t & that my depression "wasn't acceptable", because if I wasn't happy & smiling, then I wasn't wanted around.

As I have gotten older, I have noticed that I am not as caring as I used to be, due mainly to the majority of trauma & hellish experiences that I've had to go through & face alone. I am starting to feel like, no one gave a damn about me, so why should I care about other people?? Why shouldn't I be just as self-centered & heartless as everyone else?? ... But is this even normal??

A few weeks back, a so-called "friend" of mine (someone who only really talks to me when it's suitable for her) called me up crying because her boyfriend raped her. I sat on the phone & talked to her & listened to her. But in all honesty it took everything in me not to slam the phone down on her. All I kept thinking was, "Nobody gave a sh*t when I was abused, or homeless, or depressed or hurt inside. Nobody listened to me cry & complain about all my woes. So why should I give a crap about her, or anyone else?? Why should I help her with her problems?? ...Nobody helped me with mine!!"

In truth I felt bad for thinking this way, because I am not naturally a nasty, selfish, uncaring person. Ever since I was young I've always enjoyed helping others, but every now & then I feel like why the F**K should I? ...No one helped me or was there for me. Nobody listens to me complain about my crap, or is there for me when I am down. It seems like every time something horrible happens to be everyone who claimed to "care" disappears, so why should I bother being kind to others? ...Why should I be a support system for others when no one was a support system for me? ...Why should I care about others when no one gave a damn about me?

I'm almost feeling like being mean, selfish, uncaring & self-absorbed is the way to go, but in all honesty I struggle with it. I want to stay true to the naturally caring person I am, but truth is all the things that have happened to me have hardened me, made me a bit cold & have diluted much of my desire to help others. I've started to develop the "As long as I'm ok & doing well, I don't care about anyone else" mentality. On one hand it feels good, but on the other hand it makes me feel like a bad person & it in a way scares me a bit to think this way. It seems like the older I have gotten, the colder I've gotten. The more insensitive & less empathetic I have become. ....I do struggle with this a lot is this even normal?

 

[digger]

I don't know if it's common or 'normal' - I don't really know if there is a 'normal', but I think that this is something my T would 'normalise' if I presented it to her ie. it's a completely understandable response given the experiences you have had.

I do experience this at times, mostly with specific people and situations, and like you, I struggle with it as I don't like feeling or behaving that way. For me it is mostly with my mother, or in situations where a friend will turn up and spill all their woes out to me in full awareness that I've been having a rough time myself but haven't been near or bothered to ask in that time how I'm doing.

I think it is a natural response. From your post it sounds more like you are thinking it rather than acting it? You didn't slam the phone down on your friend for example. That says to me that your true character is still winning through.

 

[Kristen]

Well thanks Splinter for understanding ....I didn't know whether I was alone on this one or not.

 

[Antidote]

I went through a time like that during the abuse.Whenever my friends came to me with their problems I would listen but as soon as I could interject I would say something like "that really sucks,I know what would help (insert substance or dangerous activity)".I wouldn't actually listen or offer advice or help because no one was helping me and though at the time I wouldn't talk about what I was going through I felt like no one would listen to me anyways.

Ever since I was a kid I wanted to help and make everything all better,but during that time I it became everyone for themselves.Now that the abuse has stopped and life has settled down I feel like I'm settling back into the person I was supposed to be.I'm even going to be starting college for nursing,which back then I wouldn't even had considered for a career,I would've taken a minimum wage job then looking after and helping sick people

 

[padalac3]

Kristen I just did a long reply on your sunday post . please read.

 

[Deleted member 26920]

@Kristen I'm not sure if it's "normal," but I can definitely relate. It has become very difficult for me to feel compassion when someone complains about their life to me. I just can't help thinking how wonderful their life is compared to mine, how badly I want a life just like theirs. Sometimes, I'll even go so far as to feel the person is "ungrateful," "spoiled," or even "undeserving" for what they have, but in the end, I'm always in disbelief that I could even think that. How could I be so cold? Who am I to have those thoughts about others?