Fighting urge to get involved in a toxic pattern with a narcissist-trauma reinactment

[PTSDin it]

I grew up in a really abusive home environment...My father was controlling, physically and mentally abusive, a religious freak, etc.

More recently, I've had relationships with narcs, and I had a toxic thing going w a narcissist who would send me dick pics constantly and I'd by turns yell at him, block him, ask him to be w me-it was a hot mess. My therapist told me he was a narc and I was engaging in trauma reinactment. I always feel like every day I'm fighting to not check up on him on social media, etc. It's very strange, and unlike me. I'm at day 60 of no contact-meaning I don't even look him up-I haven't spoken to him in ages. Yet, I miss him, and when my husband is away I'll cry for hours, sometimes because he won't reach out to me. It's bonkers.

Has anyone been through this? Does anyone have any suggestions as to how to keep busy?
I went right back into this OCD behavior that I do...trying to stop. Aside from that, though I've been doing great. I lost weight, quit smoking weed, drinking..I just feel like I'm white-knuckling all of the time. I've sought an EMDR therapist..I've had coaching from people who specialize in narc abuse. I just still feel like this emptiness and sadness that he isn't in my life. Rationally, I know my life always is better without him in it. He was mean, cold, sex-addicted (I'm actually lucky he didn't choose me to have a real relationship because he likely has stds and he's got serious anger issues and is super duper into himself.)

But yea, I'll take anyone's suggestions. I think this site will be helpful, also because I feel so alone, sometimes...

 

[EveHarrington]

The best way to get over the ex is to get on with the next... Were you involved with the narc while married? Did you ever meet the narc in person?

 

[bigstrongtree]

I understand. No contact is hard. Withdrawal from something like this was one of the worst pains I have felt. But it gets better.

 

[PTSDin it]

I agree, Bigstrongtree. I don’t know what to do anymore. Idk why he was so cruel to me, but yet seemingly kind and generous to his flying monkeys that are painfully oblivious to how he truly is.

The best way to get over the ex is to get on with the next... Were you involved with the narc while married? Did you ever meet the narc in person?

Yes and yes. He wasn’t an ex though. I remember before being drawn into his nonsense that I didn’t like him or his personality, yet here we are.. it’s the oddest and most painful experience I’ve ever had in my life.

 

[grit]

I can feel the pain of yo yo. Gosh I spent most of my good part in my 20s in such relationships. I used to think if I do not feel this yo yo pain, I was not alive! Gosh....

I hope you find your bearing and I hope you find your strength. I honestly think you will find your special way of recovering. Even just simply acknowledging this is related to your dad is A HUGE STEP.
First thing of healing is to see the pattern and the connection to the source and you are already there, now you are craving when that information seeps into your system automatically.

I do not know what can do that for you except you but if I had a magic wand that could go back to me when I was in your shoes, I would say rather than saying why was he so cruel to me? I would change that to why am I so cruel to myself and allowing this?

Why was he so cruel...no one knows even you still did not figure it out.
Why am I so cruel to myself for allowing this, if you keep repeating this every time the first sentence crosses your mind, you may find the solution much faster because the truth is inside of you.

I wish you peace of mind. It is like a puppy mill.

 

[PTSDin it]

I can feel the pain of yo yo. Gosh I spent most of my good part in my 20s in such relationships. I used to think if I do not feel this yo yo pain, I was not alive! Gosh....

I hope you find your bearing and I hope you find your strength. I honestly think you will find your special way of recovering. Even just simply acknowledging this is related to your dad is A HUGE STEP.
First thing of healing is to see the pattern and the connection to the source and you are already there, now you are craving when that information seeps into your system automatically.

I do not know what can do that for you except you but if I had a magic wand that could go back to me when I was in your shoes, I would say rather than saying why was he so cruel to me? I would change that to why am I so cruel to myself and allowing this?

Why was he so cruel...no one knows even you still did not figure it out.
Why am I so cruel to myself for allowing this, if you keep repeating this every time the first sentence crosses your mind, you may find the solution much faster because the truth is inside of you.

I wish you peace of mind. It is like a puppy mill.

I’ve asked that question also-why was I so cruel to myself.. I know the answer.. I was abused, dismissed, devalued, neglected on a routine basis in my childhood and blamed for all of it.