Figuring out my sexuality.

[Madmaninabox]

I have been so confused about my sexuality for so long. I think I finally figured it out, and I tried to kill myself because I'm not straight. This my sound crazy and to some extent I guess it is, but here is the thing my family is so religious the only "sex talk" I ever had was my dad sitting us down and telling us "if either of you ever turn out gay I won't love you." I was home schooled so I had no other sex Ed.
If I come out I would have nowhere to go. I would be disowned by my family.
I feel like I have disappointed God and will be punished if I ever act on my feelings. Even though I'm questioning if my religion is even true. And that's terrifying because it's all I know. I was raised in this religion and everyone I know is part of that religion. I have nowhere to go for support.

I have known for a long time I was attracted to girls but I thought that was because I was molested by a boy. But I refused to admit that I wasn't attracted to men I thought I would still have a chance at a normal life if I could focus on any guy I even found nice but here is the thing I have never really been attracted sexually to a man. That realisation hit me now I feel hopeless and alone.

I don't want my only sexual experience to be when I was 6 and I don't want it to be with a man. But if I ever act on my homosexual urges I will loose everything. And possibly die a horrible death at the hands of God.

Thanks for reading. I guess if you're reading this you one of the only people I have came out to. So because I have been putting of saying it here is me saying I'm a lesbian. And could use some advice on what to do.

 

[Tinyflame]

Well, you have to write your own story @Madwomeninabox , and hopefully it will be with the least regrets.

I will say I think everyone should be true to their own self, as to me that is genuine and genuine to how 'God' made you. Who doesn't make mistakes. And I believe, loves everyone equally and completely, which does infer perhaps your parents don't understand that yet. If anything, I would suspect God would love and empathize with you more, for being so misunderstood and hurt by others, and even the very people who should have done the opposite for you. God has nothing to do with condemning you for the person he made you to be ('fiercely & wonderfully made', isn't it said?) I'm sure He'd just want you to make loving, life-giving choices, for yourself as well? IMHO.

Good luck with whatever you choose, and good for you to be honest. :hug:

 

[Ronin]

Okay first off - you are *not.* bad, horrible, shunnable, doomed, despised now or ever by God or else, or any of that.

You are an awesome human being, a badass woman, who has a heart full of love for other women. That you and that love is a miracle and to be kept in life and well no matter what.

If you still choose to believe: God created you a lesbian. Loves you exactly the way you are. Made many paths for you, to find who you will be happy with, in the future. I can't know what these will be like, or maybe how hard it is getting there, but good future awaits.

Practicals: It is ok to not come out for the time sake. Not a lie or living in a deception, not wrong. Your survival and safety *comes* first. Announcements that could be life changing can wait.

Two, you don't have to come out all at once. Stages & degrees. You can have talks with people *about* homosexuality / without personal disclosures, figure where is who standing on what religious issue, for years. Testing the waters, feeling your own thing, without putting your life in direct jeopardy.

Three, are there trusted people you could open up with? Maybe not even about orientation, but about issues with God and living in secret. Since secrets & hiding are totally concerns well meaning people of faith *might* be helpful with, and ease out some.

Eventually, make contact with non abusive other lesbians of your faith? Or even alike ones / some interfaith places are soo badass and crazy helpful, doesn't matter we say the prayer to a deity differently and different times and hold different purity rules. ;)

Four, what are the steps you need to find other shelter / home / support / community?

Again, that would not be you botching your life because doomed... that would be you looking for a better housing as the old ones didn't work. ;) No fault of yours and not life ending problem.

Five, clergy & social workers with LGBT& population in your area / state? Might be worth a look, online if in person is not doable right now.

Tldr; You are loved. You are okay. You deserve good life. You can and will be happy. Loving others is not wrong. You *are* strong enough to deal with and heal from anything life throws at you. You got this.

And to all that? God and good people will help you find your way. So don't stop going, or having faith, in whoever and whatever *keeps* you going.

 

[Sideways]

I guess if you're reading this you one of the only people I have came out to. So because I have been putting of saying it here is me saying I'm a lesbian.

Good for you - I hope it feels good to have got it out there:)

 

[bellbird]

You're awesome, @Madwomeninabox .
I hear you and I respect you.
I hope you are feeling a little lighter after your post. You'll be ok :)

 

[RVA21]

No God is going to punish you for being you, I promise you.

If it's unsafe to tell some people then don't tell them, keep yourself safe above all else.

I hope one day you'll find true love and won't need people who are abusive in your life.

Until then you could try joining some Gay groups if there are any near your home?

You will also find support here.

:hug:

 

[Friday]

My feeling is that if any god is going to judge me? It’s going to be ME. My heart, my mind, my choices. Not me-following-what-some-other-person-says-god-really-wants.

It’s a personal integrity kind of thing... because I’ve never found “But so&so said...” To be much of a defense when I’ve f*cked up, or missed out on an opportunity. It doesn’t matter what they said. Or how loudly. It matters what I did. If I make my own decisions, follow my own heart? It rests with me. No one else. If I’m accepting responsibility for what I did? I want what I do to be my own decision.

But I’ve also made the mistake of not doing so in the past. Felt one way, but so&so said do this other thing, so I did. For a lot of different reasons. And I was right. And they were wrong. So before I follow any one else’s say so? I ask myself how important it is to me. If a god is going to judge me? I’d say that’s almost as important as it gets. So I’d better step up and follow the dictates of my own conscience.

 

[somerandomguy]

the only "sex talk" I ever had was my dad sitting us down and telling us "if either of you ever turn out gay I won't love you."

When I was in middle school and starting to question my parents' extremely devout Catholicism, my father told me "If you aren't Catholic when you grow up, we will have failed as parents." And of course the nuns at my school loved to talk about what was going to happen to sinners after they died. And rejecting God was the biggest sin of all. So although my experience isn't the same as yours, I feel like maybe I understand a little bit.

I'm not Catholic anymore. I'm not religious in any way. And yeah, it caused some trouble and I felt horrible and there were nights when I was a teen I would lie in bed awake terrified that I was going to go to Hell.

I feel like I have disappointed God and will be punished if I ever act on my feelings.

The thing is ... how can we even be sure what God wants?

The Bible says many things. Some of those things directly contradict other things in the Bible. Even if you belong to a sect that believes wholly that the Bible is the unchanging, true Word of God, which parts do you fulfill and which parts do you ignore? The Bible has been used to justify murder, slavery, execution, castration, and many other things that we as a society (most of us, anyway) recognize as terrible.

Almost everyone wears fabric blends, even the most hardcore fundamentalists. Yet the Bible, clear as day, commands everyone not to do that. Who decided they could ignore that verse and not the verse about homosexuality being an abomination?

It seems to me that if there is actually a God, He would be less interested in taking an account of how well his people followed the letter of the law, and be more interested in the spirit of the law. A God interested in the letter of the law would be a punitive God. This is a God willing to send everyone, potentially, into a lake of fire and physically torture them forever and ever, without end. Is this a God you want to follow?

I decided I was willing to be in that lake of fire forever if THAT is the kind of being running the Universe. I will happily live my life in opposition to THAT kind of God. If that means a forever in Hell ... well, obviously, whatever I do, I'm going to end up there anyway, if that's the kind of God we have. If I'm going to burn anyway, I might as well try to be happy in my brief respite from everlasting torture.

But if you think that God is more interested in the spirit of the law than the actual letter, it seems to me that God may be more of a loving God. That God wants you to be happy, because if you're hurting, you're not going to treat other beings well. Those other beings include yourself.

But if I ever act on my homosexual urges I will loose everything. And possibly die a horrible death at the hands of God.

I have never met a happy person who was not true to themselves.

When I told my parents I could in good conscience no longer be a Christian, they were angry. They were hurt. They were incredulous. What they did not do was kick me out of the house and reject me. This is your best-case scenario. If you come out, you might be thrown out of the house, left to fend for yourself, and disowned. This is your worst-case scenario. It sounds like you are young and dependent on your parents. That's a very good reason for not coming out. But eventually you will be able to life the life you want. That's a good reason for continuing to push through and keep living.

Do you have someone you can talk to, like a therapist? It might be a good place to start to be able to sort through what you CAN do right now.

 

[Mach123]

Hi thank you. I was just going to do a thread on this. I've written it all out already on one hand and I'm still good through the process on the other.

I.guess I'm really non binary but I hate that term. I "came out" to the therapist and my wife as a lot of things, and I tried suicide by drugs. Because I couldn't deal with it when all the repressed memories were coming out .

You don't have to be a lesbian or anything else btw I hate all those terms.

I'm in the church too btw. I know all about it.

But I'm not like other people that's for sure ? How many people do you know who hit puberty and realized they were the wrong sex?

I'm fighting with the therapist and everyone else about what this is and what it all means and yes, its all from CSA, and it's not your fault, and you're not alone.

I went through it and I'm living it still.

 

[Strangelongtrip]

Just popped in to say I'm thinking of you. I'm bi and so many of my friends who grew up in religious families had similar experiences, my heart goes out to you all. I'm not personally religious because I've seen what most churches do to people who are different. There are churches that are accepting and even loving though. There's even a website for them Find an Affirming Church | GayChurch.org. I hope you can find peace with a God that is loving, caring, and that you know They created you just how you were meant to be.

 

[Madmaninabox]

Just popped in to say I'm thinking of you. I'm bi and so many of my friends who grew up in religious families had similar experiences, my heart goes out to you all. I'm not personally religious because I've seen what most churches do to people who are different. There are churches that are accepting and even loving though. There's even a website for them Find an Affirming Church | GayChurch.org. I hope you can find peace with a God that is loving, caring, and that you know They created you just how you were meant to be.

Thanks you so much

 

[galaxies-far-away]

God loves you dearly. i understand how you feel i honestly feel like im more bi than straight. currently figuring that out.