Sufferer Filming A Documentary - Inviting Stories

[Luke Renner]

My struggle with PTSD began in January of 2010 when I survived the earthquake in Haiti and spent the following weeks roaming the streets of Port Au Prince, surrounded by the horror.

Almost 4 years later, I am tired of being a victim to this experience. To turn the tables, take back a modicum of control and try to make something good come from all of this, I have begun to make a documentary film about PTSD.

A professional storyteller for nearly 20 years, Film/Video is my artistic medium. That is why I have chosen this particular path. In this post, I wanted to invite others to consider sharing their story on film with me as an act of catharsis. Obviously, I cannot tell every story, but I do want to invite anyone who wishes to be considered for this film to contact me and express your interest. As I am able, I will respond and try to explore your situation more deeply.

As I have mentioned, I too suffer from PTSD. When I first opened this dialogue on Facebook, I was overwhelmed by the number of people who wanted to share. If you choose to express interest here, please be patient with me. I will try to respond to everyone that I can but it may take a little time as I must manage my own issues too.

Thank you for your consideration.
Luke

 

[Deleted member 1860]

I think many of us wish to remain anonymous, which is reflective of the fact that this site is anonymous whereas Facebook is not.

It would be nice to be able to speak out, but I wish to remain private. The threat of lifelong stigma is too great.

I'm sure others will partake in your project. I wish you the best.

 

[Hashi]

Hi Luke,

I appreciate what you're doing and you're reasons for it.

I'm not sure this is the right way to canvass participants. The forum has rules about how things like this are approached. I'd recommend contacting the site administrator to get permission and to find out how you can post about this. You can do this by posting a query in the Helpdesk forum or using the site contact, but since you've already posted something here I'm going to flag up your post to admin/moderators and ask them to clarify the situation.

Please be aware that I'm not intending to make difficulties for you by doing this - it's the opposite, I hope that it will ensure everything goes through for you in line with forum policy and that you can therefore reach people as you hope to.

 

[anthony]

I would say that you need to ensure you do not advertise or promote your documentary in any manner here, otherwise your account will be banned.

 

[Luke Renner]

I do appreciate the help in making sure that I am going about this the right way. I have found in my own journey with PTSD that 'getting it right' has been a challenge. Part of navigating the twisted landscape of the mind is that so many of us are actually discovering how to heal while simultaneously trying to then heal ourselves. Even with the aide of a professional, the truth is that we all play the role of our own doctor and patient in an under-explored world of the mind.

When I set out to do this film, I suspected I would make mistakes. Please forgive me if I have offended anyone or broken any rules at the forum. In my heart I have not, but I will concede that I do not yet have friends here and therefore do not know how belong here in this particular community.

It seems that my post has immediately touched a nerve. Again, I am sorry.

I don't want to expose or threaten anyone's privacy. I'm certainly not selling anything either. As stated, I am very much on my own journey of healing and making this film is a pathway that I have chosen to follow through the dark forest of my own mind.

I invite redirection. Thank you for that.

 

[Luke Renner]

Anthony, thanks for your feedback.

Please let me know if the original post does what you are warning me not to do.

If so, I apologize.

Can you advise a way that I may restate my thought in a more appropriate way? Perhaps the point is that my particular mention of my journey to healing (and my invitation to others) is not acceptable here in any way, shape or form. If that is the case then, again, I am sorry.

I will certainly delete my post if you would like.

When I stepped out of the dark to talk about this, I didn't intend to break a trust or hurt anyone. Quite the contrary.

Please advise.

 

[Abstract]

I can see why doing something like this would be cathartic and wish you well. Any good information for the general public on PTSD is valuable as there seems to be so little of it. Personal stories are a great way to help get past peoples misconceptions and judgements.

Would this fit under the research area of the forum? Maybe but maybe not. Hopefully Anthony will advice you.

PS. One thing I will add though is that I imagine a fair amount of the responses you will get through facebook won't really have PTSD. I could be wrong of course.

 

[Deleted member 1860]

Oh abstract brings up a good point.

Have you heard about how those of us with actual PTSD tend to hide away and minimize symptoms while those who just want to have PTSD (yes, odd concept!) actually exaggerate and flaunt the symptoms? Just be wary of this type of person.

 

[Luke Renner]

That's actually why I came here. The majority of responses on Facebook were what I would classify differently than PTSD, though two definitely seemed real.

Actually, the idea of people wanting to have PTSD is not strange to me at all. I see it on our side as well, when those of us who do have it actually don't want to be rid of it completely. Same coin, different side.

For my part, I'm personally cautious of 'us/them' language because I think genuine victims (like us) can become trapped into forming community around an affinity to the disorder, rather than a strong desire to actually move through it. In other words, for some folks PTSD was something horrible that happened to them but ultimately made them unique (special) in some way. A strange love (even an appreciation) for the problem forms and the desire to be fully healed gives way to a preference for the attention.

As an artist, I found that my PTSD actually allowed me to access such a high level of honest, raw connectedness to my emotions that it was causing my art to actually improve. It took me a while to navigate the trade-off (the loss of my edge) that would perhaps be inevitable if I was to heal. Honestly, I'm not sure I've completely sorted this out yet.

As a result, some folks in our camp prefer to make the problem of PTSD into a sort of mutually exclusive club that is horrible to get into but, ultimately, intoxicating in its own bizarre way. A Stockholm Syndrome of sorts.

Us/them language is a red flag for me. When I start believing that I possess the ability to know where anyone but myself is coming from, then I have moved from a position of being the wounded to being the doctor. It's a slippery slope.

Of course, I don't think this describes everyone on either side of the problem. But it is another dimension of this strange reality.

Thanks for all the helpful feedback.

 

[NovemberStar]

Three years ago my city had the same size quake of Haiti - it struck at 4:35am, saturday sept 4th, size 7.1. Unlike where you were, there was no loss of life. thousands of buildings damaged, but relatively few collapses. We congratulated ourselves, on how 'great' our building codes were - we compared ourselves to Haiti - same size quake, but we believed it was out 'better' building codes that prevented lives being loss. The mayor also remarked how "how much worse it might have been if our quake had hit at lunchtime on a weekday" given most of the damaged buildings were in the CBD.

Five months later, and thousands of aftershocks later, a size 6.3 obliterated the city some more - 12:51pm, on a Tuesday workday. This time, nearly two hundred people died. It was live on tv - many dead and injured, and some lay trapped for days, only to die before rescue.

The quakes kept going, we had two years of aftershocks - I think its somewhere around the 13,000 mark now. We only feel them every couple of months now. As you know, when a major one hits the ground barely stops moving for the next few days. Two hundred aftershocks in just the first twenty four hours, the terror builds with each one, not knowing if worse is yet to come.

The trauma of the Christchurch quakes left me with PTSD, and then my previous childhood based PTSD came flooding back - after nearly 15 years of remission.

My life has not been the same since.

Thee exact same unpredictability of powerful, violent, life threatening earthquakes was EXACTLY what it was like living with my alcoholic mother growing up. Her violence was just as unpredictable. Just like Mother Nature sometimes provides us with sweet memories and happiness, she can turn at any moment and kill you. That was how it was for me growing up.

We still live with a 15-20% chance of another major earthquake hitting my city again in the next year.

 

[Abstract]

Us/them language is a red flag for me. When I start believing that I possess the ability to know where anyone but myself is coming from, then I have moved from a position of being the wounded to being the doctor. It's a slippery slope.

Interesting thoughts. Thanks for sharing. There are definite strong reactions on here to people thinking they have PTSD from things such as a relationship breakup or an argument with their mother - we do see these discussed here fairly often. It seems many here with PTSD feel their experiences are invalidated by these types of responses but there may well also be this club mentality at play at times. There certainly is great anger and resentment expressed on occasion.

I do think that the need to belong to a community or group can greatly impede someone's progress and desire to get better for some even if it is a separate issue to people reacting to claims of pseudo PTSD.

Personally I don't want to belong to the club. My biggest problem is still accepting the diagnoses and that anything has harmed me. That is full time battle for me - even +- 3 years on from diagnosis.

Most of the time I can be compassionate to the extreme cases of people thinking they have PTSD from experiences that could never be thought of as traumatic but I have to say I don't really understand how it even occurs to people to consider PTSD. I didn't for my experiences that's for sure. I suspect when people are feeling out of sorts they are looking for an explanation and come up with this.

The problem for you doing a documentary is that you can't have a reliable piece of work on traumatic reactions if the participants don't have them and rather have something such as depression and anxiety.

 

[Luke Renner]

Rather than call that "the problem" I would say it is a "potential" problem, of which there are many. As with anything, there are always things like that to look out for.

I would also say it is precisely one more reason why this film is needed. Confusion about what PTSD actually is can lead to deeper feelings of isolation to those who actually have it while misunderstandings among those who may not have it only serve to muddy the water more.

Some people default to calling their problem PTSD because there is so little to help define the matter unless you are willing to dig (or are somehow fortunate enough to stumble across a properly qualified specialist early on). I suspect that in many cases, a self-made mis-diagnosis is less about malice and more about the confusing nature of mental disorders in general. We aren't talking about broken bones or cancer, after all. We are discussing something far harder to point to on a screen or X-Ray. In that sense, further definition seems worthwhile, both for those who suffer from PTSD and those who simply misunderstand what it is.

And that points to another group that needs this dialogue: loved ones of those suffering from PTSD. Often times, they are left completely in the dark while forced to suffer the consequences of the condition suffered by their loved one.

Furthermore, let us not forget those who suffer in isolation and have not yet considered that they may belong to a group of people who's struggle is treatable. In other words, those who don't know about this forum (or places like it), those who don't even know about PTSD, and who may be far removed from the possibility of diagnosis. I'm also thinking of those who have little or no access to healthcare or who are surrounded by people who do not take the mental sciences seriously.

It's a big world out there. Let us not, in our enlightened state, forget about those who are less fortunate than we are. Millions suffer alone with no system to support them. No internet. No healthcare. I'm thinking, in part, of my Haitian brothers and sisters.

It's also worth pointing out that the pain and struggle of depression and anxiety is real for people, whether or not it has those four famous (and often misunderstood) letters assigned to it. Because this issue does not exist on a boarder as obvious as where land meets sea, more is needed in the way of dialogue to understand it. Case in point, depression and anxiety are both symptoms of PTSD but can also exist in people without a traumatic catalyst. In this case, how we define trauma matters a great deal. Not exactly black and white territory.

Solara pointed out early on that many sufferers of PTSD wish to remain invisible. That's why some folks here choose anonymity. And yet this forum still exists. That is because, even though certain degrees of isolation and privacy are pursued, dialogue is still needed.

Because of the private nature of this struggle, it goes largely untouched. But the truth is, for many of us that are absolutely mired in the grip of this condition, we don't enjoy it or want it to persist. We sincerely want out.

More discussion is needed. More understanding. I appreciate this dialogue.