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Hi, I am relieved to finally find somewhere I can speak honestly and possibly connect with people who are going through similar stuff... when I shared a bit of my life with somebody two weeks ago, all he said was 'sounds like PTSD'. Did some research and yes, it does sound like I've got PTSD and it's been handed down from my Mother - is that possible?
When I was six she left her stepfather in my bedroom to teach me a lesson. He'd been molesting her for years, she knew what he'd do and sure enough he was 'tickling' me when she came back into the room. He was carrying a bottle of scotch when he knocked on the door, so it was like I was sold for her addiction to alcohol. They got drunk for a few days... like completely wiped out unconsciously drunk. When I came home from school I opened the door and saw them both passed out naked in the lounge room and he had his face between her legs. I wanted to scream, it's like something in me died in that moment. I remember a feeling of hatred, shame, anger, disgust and shock. I closed the door, ran down the stairs and just cried and cried and cried. When I came back he was gone and she was still drinking. I HATED HER and to some extent still do.
She said she thought she was going to die young because her mother died aged 48, so same thing was going to happen to her. Because we didn't have aunts uncles or grandparents, she thought we would have nobody to look after us and she had to teach us everything she knew - that men are bastards. Even though that was drummed into us I remember looking at her and thinking, yeah men are bastards and some women are completely stupid. She's still alive age 73 and has always been 'going to die', especially if we touched on taboo subjects like her addiction to alcohol - that would cause a heart attack, so we had to hold our tongues.
When she finally sobered up after her week long binges we had to pretend nothing happened - again, we had to say she was sick and she was always listening in to hear if we told anybody that alcohol was the reason. Her 'boyfriend' started beating her up and she always screamed for me and my sister to come and watch so that we could see what bastards men are. One time he was holding a double barrelled shotgun to her head and he pulled the trigger - I was disappointed that the gun was empty. I thought that would be the end of the nightmare she was.
Her first husband was jailed for molesting little girls and when he came to visit she sent him to my bedroom to say hello. She knew what he would do. He gave me the creeps - STILL, even though he's now dead, I still remember him breathing on my body and it gives me shivers.
I left home the first chance I could at age 16 and came back 17 years later. I travelled to Europe and had a serious car accident in Germany when I was 23, I broke 14 bones, was in a coma for two weeks and none of my family came to visit me while I was in hospital for 119 days. My mother called twice, she said she was happy I didn't die because she would have worked her whole life for nothing. Luckily there was a guy who came to visit every day and we developed a relationship. I really think if he didn't I would have lost my will to live. I stayed in a relationship with Juergen for 3 years and eventually struggled to relate to him when I wanted to create my own exercise business. He said I was stupid to even think about it... I knew I could do it and wanted to take a chance. We broke up and I put all my energy into making it happen - and it did.
For the first time ever, my life was like a dream come true. I lived in a beautiful apartment, met fantastic people, was financially independent, developed another relationship with Philip who introduced me to Landmark Education (which is indirectly related to Scientology) and I really started to develop self confidence.
18 months later my house mate Erick hanged himself in our studio - I found him when I came home from holiday with Philip who two weeks later said he didn't want to be in a relationship with me anymore. He said I reminded him of 'the situation'. I lost my business, home, friend, and boyfriend in two weeks. Suicide is one of the most difficult things to understand, I still struggle with it. He must have known I would find him, did he hate me that much? What did I do wrong?
About six months later I started working for Landmark Education, I worked up to 120 hours a week for a really low income and didn't care because I was learning public speaking and developing skills I'd only ever dreamed of. The environment was fast paced and ever changing which eventually got to me, I watched people leave Landmark pretty messed up - depression, severe lack of iron, narcolepsy, I know of three people who participated in Landmark's Education and committed suicide - Erick was one of them.
I left Landmark in January 2002 and have really really struggled to fit into the 'real' world since. I worked so many hours and lived with other people who worked there and had very little to do with anybody else for two years. In total I participated for five years at varying degrees and associated only with other people who did. When I left I felt completely rejected, useless and like a complete and utter failure. I was told if I did leave (it took me a year to decide), that I would shrink because I wouldn't have the same level of respect from people who didn't know about Landmark. I'd earned my position there and they were right, my 'title' had no street value outside of the company.
Doctor's have prescribed anti-depressants and I have adamantly said NO. I watched my mother make a mess of herself with uppers and downers laced with alcohol, watched a house mate fall into decline while taking anti-depressants and learnt from Landmark that anti-depressants put people into a different state of awareness (people taking them can only participate with Landmark if they have been cleared by the company psychologist).
It's been really difficult to 'settle' down, I've moved house and jobs so many times, hate working for companies, don't want to share my apartment with anybody even though I can't afford the rent by myself, unemployment benefits don't cover my expenses, I keep having recurring thoughts about my past and am slowly losing the will to live. It seems like I'm a magnet for disaster and I'm scared to connect with people. I feel like I am dangerously close to losing my sanity - whatever is left of it.
The last couple of months I've been writing my life story and reading it at a live storytelling event which has helped keep me a little sane, it feels good to get this stuff out of my head and would be really great to connect with somebody here who can guide me to what's next because I really don't know. I really feel like I'm losing it.
Phew, feels better to be able to say that. I am in the right place aren't I??
When I was six she left her stepfather in my bedroom to teach me a lesson. He'd been molesting her for years, she knew what he'd do and sure enough he was 'tickling' me when she came back into the room. He was carrying a bottle of scotch when he knocked on the door, so it was like I was sold for her addiction to alcohol. They got drunk for a few days... like completely wiped out unconsciously drunk. When I came home from school I opened the door and saw them both passed out naked in the lounge room and he had his face between her legs. I wanted to scream, it's like something in me died in that moment. I remember a feeling of hatred, shame, anger, disgust and shock. I closed the door, ran down the stairs and just cried and cried and cried. When I came back he was gone and she was still drinking. I HATED HER and to some extent still do.
She said she thought she was going to die young because her mother died aged 48, so same thing was going to happen to her. Because we didn't have aunts uncles or grandparents, she thought we would have nobody to look after us and she had to teach us everything she knew - that men are bastards. Even though that was drummed into us I remember looking at her and thinking, yeah men are bastards and some women are completely stupid. She's still alive age 73 and has always been 'going to die', especially if we touched on taboo subjects like her addiction to alcohol - that would cause a heart attack, so we had to hold our tongues.
When she finally sobered up after her week long binges we had to pretend nothing happened - again, we had to say she was sick and she was always listening in to hear if we told anybody that alcohol was the reason. Her 'boyfriend' started beating her up and she always screamed for me and my sister to come and watch so that we could see what bastards men are. One time he was holding a double barrelled shotgun to her head and he pulled the trigger - I was disappointed that the gun was empty. I thought that would be the end of the nightmare she was.
Her first husband was jailed for molesting little girls and when he came to visit she sent him to my bedroom to say hello. She knew what he would do. He gave me the creeps - STILL, even though he's now dead, I still remember him breathing on my body and it gives me shivers.
I left home the first chance I could at age 16 and came back 17 years later. I travelled to Europe and had a serious car accident in Germany when I was 23, I broke 14 bones, was in a coma for two weeks and none of my family came to visit me while I was in hospital for 119 days. My mother called twice, she said she was happy I didn't die because she would have worked her whole life for nothing. Luckily there was a guy who came to visit every day and we developed a relationship. I really think if he didn't I would have lost my will to live. I stayed in a relationship with Juergen for 3 years and eventually struggled to relate to him when I wanted to create my own exercise business. He said I was stupid to even think about it... I knew I could do it and wanted to take a chance. We broke up and I put all my energy into making it happen - and it did.
For the first time ever, my life was like a dream come true. I lived in a beautiful apartment, met fantastic people, was financially independent, developed another relationship with Philip who introduced me to Landmark Education (which is indirectly related to Scientology) and I really started to develop self confidence.
18 months later my house mate Erick hanged himself in our studio - I found him when I came home from holiday with Philip who two weeks later said he didn't want to be in a relationship with me anymore. He said I reminded him of 'the situation'. I lost my business, home, friend, and boyfriend in two weeks. Suicide is one of the most difficult things to understand, I still struggle with it. He must have known I would find him, did he hate me that much? What did I do wrong?
About six months later I started working for Landmark Education, I worked up to 120 hours a week for a really low income and didn't care because I was learning public speaking and developing skills I'd only ever dreamed of. The environment was fast paced and ever changing which eventually got to me, I watched people leave Landmark pretty messed up - depression, severe lack of iron, narcolepsy, I know of three people who participated in Landmark's Education and committed suicide - Erick was one of them.
I left Landmark in January 2002 and have really really struggled to fit into the 'real' world since. I worked so many hours and lived with other people who worked there and had very little to do with anybody else for two years. In total I participated for five years at varying degrees and associated only with other people who did. When I left I felt completely rejected, useless and like a complete and utter failure. I was told if I did leave (it took me a year to decide), that I would shrink because I wouldn't have the same level of respect from people who didn't know about Landmark. I'd earned my position there and they were right, my 'title' had no street value outside of the company.
Doctor's have prescribed anti-depressants and I have adamantly said NO. I watched my mother make a mess of herself with uppers and downers laced with alcohol, watched a house mate fall into decline while taking anti-depressants and learnt from Landmark that anti-depressants put people into a different state of awareness (people taking them can only participate with Landmark if they have been cleared by the company psychologist).
It's been really difficult to 'settle' down, I've moved house and jobs so many times, hate working for companies, don't want to share my apartment with anybody even though I can't afford the rent by myself, unemployment benefits don't cover my expenses, I keep having recurring thoughts about my past and am slowly losing the will to live. It seems like I'm a magnet for disaster and I'm scared to connect with people. I feel like I am dangerously close to losing my sanity - whatever is left of it.
The last couple of months I've been writing my life story and reading it at a live storytelling event which has helped keep me a little sane, it feels good to get this stuff out of my head and would be really great to connect with somebody here who can guide me to what's next because I really don't know. I really feel like I'm losing it.
Phew, feels better to be able to say that. I am in the right place aren't I??
