So starting always seems like a good idea but after 5 years of starting you get over it pretty quickly.
Like many on here I'm suffering from PTSD as a direct result of military service. Like many others is because of an abusive relationship. Don't read too much into that last statement, the relationship was only that of co-workers. Unfortunately, I had a co-worker who lived two rooms down from me at the Australian Defence Force Academy threaten to kill me numerous times as an escalation of bullying and harassment. As black and white it doesn't seem much even to me but, back then it was the single most traumatic experience I have ever faced.
I was commissioned into the RAAF at the age of 17, had my first legal drink at a Defence Force dine in night on basic training and by 18 and a half was a keen rifleman learning my degree on the path to a successful career as an Officer.
A fellow Cadet in my division who I assume was an alcoholic used to come home late at night, beat the living hell out of my door screaming at the top of his lungs that he was going to kill me.
I reported it to my chain of command. Nothing happened. In fact I was made to mediate it with him through a base chaplin where the entire session was aimed at me not assimilating the right culture.
I started having panic attacks a few months later. They diagnosed me as having Pericarditis (fluid in the heart sack) and basically never did anything about it. My attacks manifest themself as chest pain, sharp pain in my shoulder and basically feel like a heart attack.
I discharged after 9 months of service as I couldn't handle living with my tormentor. I now suffer because of it daily.
You bottle everything up and try and ignore it for so long and end up having cyclic outburst that hurt everyone around you. My wife and I have broken up several times because of it and it was she that told me I needed help.
After admitting you need help, the medical system doesn't know how to help you. I've been wrongfully diagnosed with BiPolar previously... seriously, I have a friend who's bipolar and I'm nothing like her.
After 5 years Defence want me to file paperwork as part of the Defence Abuse Response Taskforce, Veterans Affairs want me to file a claim and I don't trust any system of authority. They stuffed it up 5 years ago why would they help now?
I use valium to sleep at night. Without it I dream, if you could call it that. I'm lucky, I don't wake up in the middle of the night. Instead I get trapped in a dream.
My attacker did used to come in the middle of the night so I fear sleeping not because of the dreams but because I might be woken up.
Police scare me and set me off into anxiety attacks as the uniform is the same as the RAAF.
I am gifted and always have been. I know I'm smarter than most doctors which is why I'm lucky to have one who is also a friend not just a professional. He understands that I get what they are doing and know that they don't have the answers. Everything is just statistics. He listens to my research and understands I am methodical and genuinely am sick of PTSD.
I'm only able to type this as I've had a whisky. Last time I recounted my stories I ended up in a 24 hour long panic attack cycle.
This only scratches the surface but, its the start of my story.
I'm Phoenix05 because it's been 5 years already and like a Phoenix I will rise from these ashes eventually, the problem is you have to burn first.
Like many on here I'm suffering from PTSD as a direct result of military service. Like many others is because of an abusive relationship. Don't read too much into that last statement, the relationship was only that of co-workers. Unfortunately, I had a co-worker who lived two rooms down from me at the Australian Defence Force Academy threaten to kill me numerous times as an escalation of bullying and harassment. As black and white it doesn't seem much even to me but, back then it was the single most traumatic experience I have ever faced.
I was commissioned into the RAAF at the age of 17, had my first legal drink at a Defence Force dine in night on basic training and by 18 and a half was a keen rifleman learning my degree on the path to a successful career as an Officer.
A fellow Cadet in my division who I assume was an alcoholic used to come home late at night, beat the living hell out of my door screaming at the top of his lungs that he was going to kill me.
I reported it to my chain of command. Nothing happened. In fact I was made to mediate it with him through a base chaplin where the entire session was aimed at me not assimilating the right culture.
I started having panic attacks a few months later. They diagnosed me as having Pericarditis (fluid in the heart sack) and basically never did anything about it. My attacks manifest themself as chest pain, sharp pain in my shoulder and basically feel like a heart attack.
I discharged after 9 months of service as I couldn't handle living with my tormentor. I now suffer because of it daily.
You bottle everything up and try and ignore it for so long and end up having cyclic outburst that hurt everyone around you. My wife and I have broken up several times because of it and it was she that told me I needed help.
After admitting you need help, the medical system doesn't know how to help you. I've been wrongfully diagnosed with BiPolar previously... seriously, I have a friend who's bipolar and I'm nothing like her.
After 5 years Defence want me to file paperwork as part of the Defence Abuse Response Taskforce, Veterans Affairs want me to file a claim and I don't trust any system of authority. They stuffed it up 5 years ago why would they help now?
I use valium to sleep at night. Without it I dream, if you could call it that. I'm lucky, I don't wake up in the middle of the night. Instead I get trapped in a dream.
My attacker did used to come in the middle of the night so I fear sleeping not because of the dreams but because I might be woken up.
Police scare me and set me off into anxiety attacks as the uniform is the same as the RAAF.
I am gifted and always have been. I know I'm smarter than most doctors which is why I'm lucky to have one who is also a friend not just a professional. He understands that I get what they are doing and know that they don't have the answers. Everything is just statistics. He listens to my research and understands I am methodical and genuinely am sick of PTSD.
I'm only able to type this as I've had a whisky. Last time I recounted my stories I ended up in a 24 hour long panic attack cycle.
This only scratches the surface but, its the start of my story.
I'm Phoenix05 because it's been 5 years already and like a Phoenix I will rise from these ashes eventually, the problem is you have to burn first.
