who am I today
New Here
Hi.
I have PTSD and disociative disorder. I struggle on a day to day basis and find it hard to stay in the real world. Sometimes I might have good days where there is no stress in my life. I dont handle even the tiniest of stresses and turn it into a massive stress in my own head to the point where I dont want to live anymore.
I have wonderful support at home but it's not enough for the demons in my head that take over my body. I struggle to even work and leaving the house is a struggle. I have to tell myself that it's Ptsd and then I tell myself that I dont because I feel so crazy at times. I hate being like this but I dont want to let it go because it keeps me away from being too close to anyone because I feel like such a freak.
I change my personality all the time, not on purpose but it just happens, especially when I'm with people so I have to sort of like keep a track of who I am with that person so that I dont look like an idiot, protective mechanism so my therapist says but it's so bloody exhausting.
I'm frightened for the most part of my life and suffer with alot of anxiety. I have mind racing where thoughts from the past come into my mind and wont leave unless I talk about it which I hate talking about because I dont want to be a person that lives in the past but I have no control over it.
I see my husband as different people and my kids as myself and myself as my mum and it gets so confusing. Sometimes my house and furniture dont look like mine and sometimes I dont look like me in the mirror. I hate it but I have to live with it. I have no confidence and no self esteem but this is today. I probably will have a different mind set tomorrow.
Having close friends is just about impossible because as soon as I tell them anything I feel naked and dont want to see them anymore because they know way too much for my liking but I'm the one that told them but I hate them for it because it's just to wide open now so I have to be a closed book.
I could keep writing for 10000 years and cry 10000 tears at the moment, but I find that talking to people especially sufferers is the only way to get through it, and writing your thoughts down is very powerful. Crying is even more powerful because it's like you let some steam out of the pressure cooker and even more powerful is reading up on the symptoms of ptsd and re educating yourself even on a daily basis.
If you have to, tell yourself that you're not crazy, but that you have ptsd and that you have survived and you will keep surviving. I wouldn't wish it on my worst enemy but I dont know if I could live any other way because I just dont know how to. I dont even know who I am for the most part of my life.
Yay, I hope I am me tomorrow because I have no idea who I am today.
I live in Australia by the way.
I have PTSD and disociative disorder. I struggle on a day to day basis and find it hard to stay in the real world. Sometimes I might have good days where there is no stress in my life. I dont handle even the tiniest of stresses and turn it into a massive stress in my own head to the point where I dont want to live anymore.
I have wonderful support at home but it's not enough for the demons in my head that take over my body. I struggle to even work and leaving the house is a struggle. I have to tell myself that it's Ptsd and then I tell myself that I dont because I feel so crazy at times. I hate being like this but I dont want to let it go because it keeps me away from being too close to anyone because I feel like such a freak.
I change my personality all the time, not on purpose but it just happens, especially when I'm with people so I have to sort of like keep a track of who I am with that person so that I dont look like an idiot, protective mechanism so my therapist says but it's so bloody exhausting.
I'm frightened for the most part of my life and suffer with alot of anxiety. I have mind racing where thoughts from the past come into my mind and wont leave unless I talk about it which I hate talking about because I dont want to be a person that lives in the past but I have no control over it.
I see my husband as different people and my kids as myself and myself as my mum and it gets so confusing. Sometimes my house and furniture dont look like mine and sometimes I dont look like me in the mirror. I hate it but I have to live with it. I have no confidence and no self esteem but this is today. I probably will have a different mind set tomorrow.
Having close friends is just about impossible because as soon as I tell them anything I feel naked and dont want to see them anymore because they know way too much for my liking but I'm the one that told them but I hate them for it because it's just to wide open now so I have to be a closed book.
I could keep writing for 10000 years and cry 10000 tears at the moment, but I find that talking to people especially sufferers is the only way to get through it, and writing your thoughts down is very powerful. Crying is even more powerful because it's like you let some steam out of the pressure cooker and even more powerful is reading up on the symptoms of ptsd and re educating yourself even on a daily basis.
If you have to, tell yourself that you're not crazy, but that you have ptsd and that you have survived and you will keep surviving. I wouldn't wish it on my worst enemy but I dont know if I could live any other way because I just dont know how to. I dont even know who I am for the most part of my life.
Yay, I hope I am me tomorrow because I have no idea who I am today.
I live in Australia by the way.
