Finding Meaning

[Thinkingman85]

It's been ten years since my father passed away. I thought that I would have made peace by now. However, it's not the fact that he passed that still troubles me. It's the way in which he did. Unfortunately, I saw him after the effects of a massive heart attack. That image never leaves my mind. The experience has made me aware that he more than likely suffered horribly before he passed. I couldn't imagine... and that is what causes problems in my life.

I don't know how to move on and have a happy life because my father suffered so much. My view of life used to be that it is a place where you can live happily if you put work into it. Even though I do put in work, the awareness that life is cold and it can damage you beyond anything conceived makes it hard to find motivation and meaning. I am angry (probably hateful) at life because of how much suffering it put my father through. I've lost my faith in God because if a loving god did exist He wouldn't have done something so atrocious to my father.

If my father was put through all of that suffering for a "higher purpose", I don't want to love a God like that anyway because it's sick and twisted. I wish I could find peace with life after everything it's put me through. If I look at a sunset, the thought arises, "This life put your father through unimaginable suffering. Do not enjoy it. It is evil and doesn't care." I know that I have survivor's guilt, but I still don't know how to make peace with life. How can I move on if I'm aware of how much suffering he went through? It's sad that other peoples' suffering has caused my own.

 

[therisa]

I can understand, the pain, which you have described, Thinkingman, as I had to deal with almost 14 years of watching my dad, suffer with extreme angina pain, before his final and fatal heart attack, on November 13, 1998. Yes, it was a Friday, for those, who care. This may sound strange, to you, Thinkingman, but you must forgive yourself and your dad, for his death. I know, this is a hard step, but a necessary one, for your mental health and healing. Thinkingman, my mom and I had to make the decision, to remove the life-support machines, from my dad, as was his wishes.

A decision, made in love and compassion, towards my dad. For I view his death, as a merciful release from the daily physical pain, he was experiencing. Myself, I don't believe, in God but for different reasons, then this. I hope this helps you, to move on with your life.

 

[Rosalia]

I watched my father slowly die of untreated Hepatitis C and cirrhosis of the liver, and although he put me and my family through hell and made our lives better by dying, it was incredibly hard to watch him suffer. It didn't help that he consequently became kinder as he got sick and awful when he was doing better. In therapy I learned that I needed to not only come to terms with his death but with my own as well.

You may never stop grieving your father. I'm sure I never will, but you will learn how to come to terms with it. Perhaps you should see a therapist to work through some of those deeper issues, but never forget that it is okay to be sad. It is always okay to feel the emotions that you feel. I hope this helps :)

 

[Thinkingman85]

Therisa, I think you're right about forgiving him. The fact is that he smoked and ate unhealthy. I always wonder if he was aware of what he was doing to himself or that he thought he was invulnerable. It's an ironic tragedy that he passed when he was needed most. I think that is what has been very damaging and something I need to tackle.

Rosalia, I probably won't ever stop grieving my father, but I have to not let it ruin my life. I saw a therapist for 12 weeks and he wanted to recommend me to a trauma therapist. I may go through with it.

I'm sorry for both of your fathers' passings. Thanks for the insights.

 

[therisa]

Your welcome, Thinkingman. My dad was a lifetime smoker, himself, although his doctor told him, repeatedly to quick. It's one of the deadliest addicitions, known to humanity. I understand, Thinkingman, for my dad was the pillar, I relied upon, during my depressive episodes, to help me, to move on. Please, don't be sorry, for my dad's passing, it was a blessing for me, to leave this pain-filled plane, but thank you.